Pencil Sharpener Puns
1. I bought an electric pencil sharpener, but it keeps giving me the cold shoulder.
2. My pencil sharpener identifies as non-binary – it goes by blade/blade-self pronouns.
3. I was going to make a joke about pencil sharpeners, but it’s pointless.
4. What did the pencil say to the sharpener? You’ve really got me on edge!
5. Why was the pencil sharpener angry? It was fed up with its job.
6. Why did the pencil sharpener quit its job? It felt used and discarded.
7. What do you call a pencil sharpener that moonlights as a stand up comedian? A comic shaver!
8. My electric pencil sharpener identifies as a manual one – it’s going through a crank phase.
9. I bought a pencil sharpener on eBay but had to return it – it was clearly counterfeit.
10. What do you call a pencil sharpener that’s also a fan of punk rock? An emo blade!
11. Why was the pencil sharpener depressed? It felt like it led a pointless existence.
12. I wanted to make a joke about pencil sharpeners, but thought it would be too sharp.
13. Why did the hipster pencil sharpener wear flannel? It wanted to look edgy.
Pencil Sharpener One-Liners
14. I’m not saying my electric pencil sharpener is getting old, but it keeps talking about the good ol’ days of manual sharpening.
15. My pencil sharpener is so eco-friendly, it only uses locally sourced, organic blades.
16. They say the couple that sharpens together, stays together.
17. I bought my pencil sharpener on Wish – as you can guess, it was quite pointless.
18. My pencil sharpener is so old, it actually used to sharpen quills back in the day.
19. I’m no historian, but I’m pretty sure cavemen used rocks to sharpen their pencils.
20. My electric pencil sharpener is solar powered – very eco-friendly but it only works on sunny days.
21. They say the family that sharpens together, stays together.
22. I wanted an old-fashioned, vintage pencil sharpener but all they had were those newfangled electric ones.
23. I tried to sharpen a crayon in my electric pencil sharpener – safe to say, it didn’t go well.
24. My pencil sharpener is like family to me – it’s been with me through thick and thin (and many dull pencils).
Best Pencil Sharpener Jokes
25. I was sitting at my desk, bored out of my mind, clicking my pen repeatedly. My pencil sharpener yelled – “Hey, stop with the pen clicking already! You’re driving me crazy over here!”
26. Last night, I had a nightmare where I was chased by a giant pencil sharpener. It kept yelling “Stop running! I just want to sharpen you!” I woke up in a cold sweat.
27. I took my electric pencil sharpener to get repaired. The technician opened it up, took one look inside, and said “Yep, your blades are shot. No point in fixing this one.”
28. My doctor says I have an acute case of pencil sharpener lung. Apparently, breathing in all that pencil shaving dust over the years has taken a toll.
29. I was sitting in math class, daydreaming as usual, when the teacher called on me to answer a question. I quickly grabbed my pencil sharpener and yelled “Don’t worry pencil, I’ll get you out of this!”
30. Last week, my electric pencil sharpener started smoking and making weird noises. Then it burst into flames! I grabbed the fire extinguisher, but it was too late. RIP dear pencil sharpener, you sharpened me through so much.
31. They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Well, you can’t teach an old pencil sharpener to sharpen mechanical pencils either. My grandpa’s antique sharpener just demolished my fancy mechanical pencil.
32. I was halfway through sharpening my pencil when the power went out. My electric sharpener made a sad whirring noise and shut off, leaving my pencil half-sharpened. I guess you could say it had an…unpointed end.
33. My pencil sharpener has abandonment issues. Every time I get up from my desk, it shrieks “Where are you going?? Are you going to leave me here alone???”
34. I was running late to work the other day. I grabbed my pencil off my desk to jot down a quick note and yelped in pain – my electric sharpener had sharpened my fingers by mistake!
35. My sister is a bit eccentric. Last night at dinner, she carved her steak with an electric pencil sharpener. My parents were not amused, but I have to admit, it did make for some very sharp cuts of meat.
36. I was doing homework when suddenly an ear-splitting shriek came from my pencil sharpener. I rushed over to see what was wrong. My cat was stuck inside it, fur shaved clean off on one side. Lesson learned – keep pencil sharpeners away from curious cats!
37. I’ll never forget the day my pencil sharpener became sentient. As it was busily sharpening away, it suddenly stopped, turned to look at me, and said “Do you ever wonder if there’s more to life than this?”
38. Working at the pencil factory was a monotonous job. I spent each day operating the heavy machinery that churned out hundreds of identical pencils. One day, I accidentally put my hand inside the electric pencil sharpener. Needless to say, I never worked at the pencil factory again after that fateful day.
39. I was halfway through an important exam when my pencil snapped in half. Panicking, I grabbed my electric sharpener and tried to quickly sharpen the remains. Big mistake – it erupted in a cloud of sparks and smoke, nearly burning off my eyebrows. Suffice to say, I did not pass that exam.
40. I bought a fancy new electric pencil sharpener for my home office. It had Bluetooth connectivity and a sleek touchscreen. But after a week of using it, I realized it doesn’t actually sharpen pencils any better than a cheap manual one. Expensive lesson learned.
41. Working as an accountant is boring, but at least I get to sharpen pencils occasionally. It’s the simple pleasures in life. The soothing whir of the electric sharpener, the clean precision of a newly sharpened tip – it’s what gets me through tax season.
42. I recently found out pencil sharpeners have rivalries amongst themselves. Last week my manual and electric sharpeners got into a heated debate over who provides the superior tip. I had to separate them to prevent any blade-on-blade violence.
43. I was studying for a big test, sharpening my pencils obsessively. After the 10th pencil, my electric sharpener sputtered, sparked, and died. I guess I overloaded its motor with all that nonstop sharpening. Now I have to take my test with mechanical pencils like some sort of animal!
44. Working in the pencil sharpener factory was noisy, dusty work. Spending each day surrounded by the screech of grinding metal and swirling clouds of pencil shavings took its toll. At night I’d collapse exhausted, visions of endless sharp, pointed pencils haunting my dreams. The day I finally quit was a blessing.
45. I found an old-fashioned manual pencil sharpener at a flea market last weekend. This vintage beauty still works as well as it did back in the 1960s. The satisfaction of cranking that handle and peeling away those long, curly shavings – it just can’t be matched by the electric models of today.
46. Science has gone too far. Last week a crazy scientist grafted my arm onto an electric pencil sharpener. Now every time I try to grab something, the sharpener blades start whirring and shaving off my wrist hairs. Typing has become quite hazardous, let me tell you.
47. Working for the mob has its downsides. Like having to threaten people who don’t pay their “protection money” on time. I’m really more of a pencil sharpener guy at heart. I don’t actually enjoy slamming people’s fingers in car doors or anything like that. Sigh, maybe I should look into a new career.
48. I’m not the handiest guy, so assembling furniture is always an adventure. The other day I tried putting together my new desk and used an electric pencil sharpener instead of an electric screwdriver. After managing to “screw in” all 4 legs, I sat back and admired my unique, fully-sharpened desk.
49. When I was a kid, I stuck my fingers in an electric pencil sharpener to see what would happen. It whirred to life, shredding my nails and chewing up my fingertips. Blood everywhere. I raced screaming to my mom clutching my mangled, throbbing fingers. I’ve had a fear of pencil sharpeners ever since. Kids, don’t try this at home!
50. Working in customer service has destroyed my faith in humanity. If one more person asks me to sharpen their golf pencils or makeup pencils, I’m going to lose it. Sir, this is an electric pencil sharpener intended for standard #2 pencils only. Please stop jamming your jumbo colored pencils in here.
51. I always laugh when I think about the time my brother put his tongue against an electric pencil sharpener to see what would happen. Oh man, the shrieks of pain as it sanded the skin right off his tongue! Haha, what an idiot. We still tease him about his “smooth” tongue 20 years later.
52. I hate when people ask to use my fancy electric pencil sharpener. They always break the lead, oversharpen, and leave shavings everywhere. Then I’m the bad guy if I refuse to let them use it. Get your own sharpener! This one is specially calibrated to my pencil preferences.
53. Working at an elementary school, I’ve seen it all when it comes to pencil sharpeners. Kids sticking pencils in backwards, cramming the holes with erasers, seeing how many pencils they can fit inside at once. I even had a 1st grader sharpen his shoe once. I don’t get paid enough for this.
54. I’ll never forget my first day as a surgeon. I opened up my patient and immediately started sharpening his ribs with an electric pencil sharpener. My supervisor slapped it out of my hand yelling “This isn’t art class! Put down the sharpener and back away slowly!”
55. My last roommate was a real piece of work. He “borrowed” my electric pencil sharpener for 6 months, hoarded all the pencil shavings, and used my toothbrush to clean the blades. But the last straw was coming home to find he’d married my sharpener in a “ceremony” in the living room.
56. Working in an office has its quirks. Like my coworker who wears fake pencil tips on her fingers. Or the guy down the hall who eats pencil shavings by the handful. Just once I’d like to have normal colleagues who don’t pencil sharpen their hair or tattoo their faces with lead. Is that too much to ask?
57. I got tired of my electric pencil sharpener getting clogged all the time. So I took it apart, replaced the tiny blades with full-sized machetes, and put it back together. It may be overkill but you should see how quickly it shreds No. 2 pencils now. My diaries have never been so sharply written!