Napkin Puns
1. I was going to start collecting fancy napkins, but I decided to table that for now.
2. My friend got mad when I used his fancy napkin to wipe my mouth. I guess he wanted to save it for a rainy day.
3. I entered my napkin origami piece into an art contest, but it didn’t make the final cut.
4. I was feeling under the weather, so my napkin asked if I needed some tissue.
5. I got trapped under a giant napkin and had to call for help. Luckily, someone came to my aid and gave me a hand towel.
6. I spilled water all over my pants, so I used my napkin as a temporary pair of shorts. You could say I made some makeshift knickers.
7. My napkin started feeling down, so I told it to keep its chin up—it still had a bright future ahead as a paper towel.
8. The napkins were feeling isolated from society, so they started their own secret club called the Tablecloth Underground.
9. I entered my fancy dining napkin into a race. Unfortunately, it finished in last place.
10. The napkins started a protest demanding equal rights. Their rallying cry was “Tissue are people too!”
Napkin One-Liners
11. My napkin has commitment issues—one minute it wants to stick with me, the next it just wants to be friends.
12. This napkin walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve dinnerware here!”
13. What do you call a napkin that knows martial arts? A paper towel belt!
14. Why don’t napkins ever get lost? They always stay in touch!
15. Two napkins walk into a bar—talk about clean comedy!
16. What do you call a detective napkin? Sher-cloth Holmes!
17. Why was the fancy linen napkin late for dinner? It got ironed!
18. Two napkins pass each other on the street. One says, “Nice to meet you—keep in touch!”
19. How do napkins solve mysteries? They use nap-kin logic!
20. How do cats clean themselves? With meow-ty towels!
Best Napkin Jokes
21. One day a man walked into a fancy restaurant and was seated at his table. When the waiter brought over the napkins, the man took one look at them and yelled, “Hey waiter! What’s with these napkins? They’re absolutely filthy!” The waiter quickly grabbed the napkins and said “Oh, so sorry sir!” and rushed to replace them.
A few minutes later the same waiter returned with fresh new napkins for the man. As he placed them on the table the man took a close look and screamed “Are you kidding me!? These napkins have holes in them! Get me some decent napkins!” The flustered waiter grabbed the napkins once more. “My deepest apologies, sir.”
The waiter went to the linen closet to grab the finest cloth napkins he could find. He made his way over to the man’s table and carefully placed the new set of pristine napkins before him. The man took one look at the napkins and let out an exasperated groan. “What is this restaurant coming to!? Now the napkins are way too small!”
22. The Smith family was hosting their annual family Christmas dinner party. As the guests arrived, Mrs. Smith greeted them at the door and took their coats. She told them to help themselves to appetizers then have a seat in the dining room.
As the Smith family passed around heaping plates of food, Grandma Smith suddenly spoke up in horror “Oh no! We forgot the napkins!” The table went silent in disbelief. How could they have been so careless?
Just then little 7-year old Billy smiled and said “That’s okay Grandma. Everybody can use their sleeve just like I do!”
23. Martha was hosting Thanksgiving dinner for the first time for her husband’s overly critical family. She prepared the entire spread herself—roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, and pecan pie. The table was beautifully set with Martha’s fine China and crystal stemware. As the family sat down to eat, Martha realized she had forgotten to put out napkins.
Her mother-in-law frowned and muttered “Well doesn’t this figure. The one thing she forgot!” Martha’s sisters-in-law giggled rudely. Mortified, Martha ran to grab napkins for everyone. In her rush, she spilled red wine across the white linen tablecloth. The sisters-in-law burst out laughing. Martha was instantly in tears, her Thanksgiving ruined. In an act of defiance, her husband grabbed the entire cranberry sauce boat and upended it over his mother’s head. As she sputtered, jaws dropped in shock around the table. He smiled at Martha, gave her a wink and said “Now we are even, my dear!”
24. A man walked into a posh restaurant, sat down at a table, and laid his luxurious silk napkin across his lap in anticipation of his expensive meal. Just then, the waiter walked over to take his order. The man said “I will have your finest steak, prepared medium rare please.” The waiter replied “Excellent choice sir, right away” and left towards the kitchen.
About 10 minutes later, the waiter returned carrying the man’s steak on a large silver platter. He placed the plate on the table in front of the man along with sides of vegetables and buttery mashed potatoes. “Can I get you anything else sir?” asked the waiter. “No thank you,” said the man, mouth watering. After the waiter walked away, the man picked up his knife and fork to dig into his delicious meal. As he lifted his fork, the linen napkin slid to the floor without warning. As the man reached down to pick it up again, his hand firmly grasped the tablecloth instead. He stood straight up in shock, not realizing his own strength. The entire setting of fine China, crystal glasses and silverware came crashing down, food splattered everywhere. The man grimaced in embarrassment as angry shouts erupted in the dining room. So much for a relaxing meal.
25. Margaret was in charge of helping out at the school bake sale. She stayed up late the night before baking two dozen cookies. The morning of, she placed them carefully on pretty floral plates and wrapped them up to take to the school. When she arrived, she realized she had forgotten to bring napkins. “No big deal,” Margaret said to herself. Students could just wipe their hands on their jeans if needed.
As kids rushed eagerly over to check out the baked goods, Margaret encouraged each one to take a cookie or two. Little Susan grabbed a gooey chocolate chip cookie and happily bounced away, taking a big bite. But without a napkin to catch the melting chocolate, a big glob fell onto her new white tshirt. “Ooops!” said Margaret as she ran to get some paper towels. Susan burst into tears. Her mom gave Margaret an angry glare as she whisked Susan to the bathroom to clean her up. Maybe those napkins would have come in handy after all.
26. Henry was on his way to his best friend John’s house. They were meeting up to play basketball later. On his walk over, Henry stopped to pick up napkins, plates, cups and soda so they could have snacks afterwards. By the time Henry arrived at the house, his arms were loaded with the party supplies.
John greeted him at the door, excited to have Henry over. Just then, Henry tripped on the front step and went flying forwards. All the party supplies crashed to the ground, littering John’s front porch. Napkins were scattered far and wide down the sidewalk. As Henry frantically chased after runaway napkins in the wind, John couldn’t help but double over laughing at the hilarious scene.
27. Jenny was out on a first date with a guy she really liked named Daniel. They met up at a small Italian restaurant in town. Jenny made sure to arrive early to have time to check her makeup and hair. She even reapplied her lipstick twice, wanting to look perfect. Shortly after being seated, Jenny ordered her favorite chicken parmesan dish. As Daniel smiled and chatted over candlelight, Jenny slowly cut into the chicken. Suddenly a piece flipped off her fork and into her lap, leaving a giant oily stain directly on her new white jeans.
“Oh no!” Jenny gasped. “I just bought these pants today!” Daniel grabbed his cloth napkin and tried helping to blot the stain but only made it worse by smearing it across her lap. Jenny cringed, wanting to disappear under the table from embarrassment. So much for a romantic first date.
28. Sandra was hosting a elegant tea party for her book club. Her antique dining table was decorated with fine floral China teacups and saucers. Finger sandwiches and petit fours were artfully arranged on tiered serving trays. Sandra was dressed to impress, wearing her fluffy Sunday church hat. As the ladies arrived, Sandra was beaming with pride over her gorgeous setup for their monthly meeting.
As everyone got settled with hot cups of Earl Grey tea, Sandra offered them a platter of cucumber sandwiches. As the ladies reached for the sandwiches, Mary accidently tipped over her tea cup right into Sandra’s lap. “My new dress!” Sandra shrieked, as the scalding tea soaked through the delicate fabric. She jumped up from her seat. Without thinking, Sandra grabbed a linen table napkin and vigorously rubbed at her dress which only ground the tea stains further into the silk.
All Sandra’s guests stared open-mouthed in disbelief at her hysterical napkin attack while Sandra burst into tears over her cherished but now ruined dress.
29. Steve was on his lunch break so he stopped at his favorite pizza place to grab a few slices. He ordered two pieces of cheese and two slices of pepperoni to go. As he waited for his order, his mouth was watering just thinking about that cheesy deliciousness. When the server handed over the white paper bag stuffed with pizza, Steve grabbed it eagerly and headed out the door towards a park to eat at a picnic table.
He set the fresh pizza slices on a napkin on the table. The smell was divine! Just as he was about to dig in, a squirrel jumped up on the table and grabbed an entire slice of pepperoni pizza. “Hey, come back here!” Steve yelled, as the cheeky squirrel bounded across the grass. In the commotion, Steve accidentally knocked his remaining slices onto the dirt ground. He stared down in disappointment at his pizza toppled off the flimsy paper napkin.
30. Grandma Ellen had been baking her secret gingerbread cookie recipe all day to give out as Christmas gifts to friends and neighbors. She left the kitchen for just a few minutes to use the restroom down the hall. When she returned, Grandma Ellen found her cat Mittens up on the kitchen counter gulping down an entire plate of freshly baked cookies!
“Mittens, no!” Grandma cried as she rushed over to stop the cat. But it was too late—Mittens had already devoured most of the gingerbread men. In a last ditch attempt to save the few remaining cookies sitting nearby, Grandma frantically reached for a decorative holiday kitchen towel. As she grabbed it, she accidentally yanked the entire plate crowded with Santa shaped, snowman, and Christmas tree cookies right onto the floor. She watched in horror as they crumbled across the tiles.
As the family dog raced into the kitchen to scarf up her destroyed cookie creations, Grandma Ellen sank down beside the crumbs, sniffing back tears of frustration. Next time she would definitely not forget to cover all baked goods with napkins if she needed to step away!