Engineers Puns
- What do you call an engineer who doesn’t know what he’s doing? A civil engineer.
- Why did the mechanical engineer get sent to jail? He was caught conducting improper torque.
- Why was the electrical engineer disappointed on his birthday? He didn’t get the current he was hoping for.
- Why are software engineers never afraid? They always escape danger.
- Why do chemical engineers make bad cops? They have trouble following standard procedures.
- What do you call an engineer who designs dams? A water resources engineer. What do you call an engineer who operates dams? A civil engineer.
- Why do engineers make good financial advisors? They’re always looking to maximize efficiency.
- How does an engineer become famous? By building up momentum.
- Why was the engineer upset when he lost his pen? All his designs were skewed without it.
- 10+10. Engineers will get this joke instantly.
Engineers One-Liners
- I told my engineer friend to come over and help me open a jar. He said, “No problem, consider it torque.”
- My friend who studies engineering told me he was going to focus more on fluid dynamics. The news just went in one ear and out the other.
- When an engineer starts a company, they conduct proper market research instead of just winging it.
- I asked my engineer friend what time it was, they started explaining oscillators to me.
- My engineer friends get really excited when I talk about vectors.
- When an engineer gives a guest lecture, it’s usually pretty calculated.
- Engineers make the worst poets, all they write about are math and science.
- My engineer friends understand my chemistry jokes periodically.
- Never ask an engineer to plan your birthday party unless you want an Excel spreadsheet.
- The emcee at the engineer conference kept making extremely corny jokes.
Best Engineer Jokes
21. An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.”
22. Three engineers were sitting in a bar talking about God. The electrical engineer said, “God must be an electrical engineer. Look at the complex nervous system! The vast network of nerves and synaptic connections shows the work of a master.” The mechanical engineer said, “No, God is obviously a mechanical engineer. Look at the human skeleton, the complex joints and leverage system, God must be a mechanical genius.” The civil engineer said, “God is a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
23. An architect, a civil engineer, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer were driving down a winding mountain road late one night when suddenly their car stalled and stopped working. “Quick,” said the architect, “tape the flashlights to the car so other drivers can see us.” “Good idea,” said the civil engineer, “and we can use my maps to show them the route to the nearest town.” “I’ll use my laptop to look up what might be wrong with the engine,” said the software engineer. The hardware engineer did not say anything but simply got out, opened the car’s hood, and then got back in and the car restarted right away and they drove on. “That was incredible,” said the architect, “you got the car running without even looking at it!” “That’s because I’m a hardware engineer,” he replied, “and I know that complicated problems are usually solved by just turning it off and on again.”
24. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
25. An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.”
26. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
27. An engineer dies and goes to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what’s up? The Devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.” “What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.” The Devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.” God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!” The Devil laughs. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”
28. An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, “I like both.”
29. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
30. NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “OK,” said the interviewer, “you’ll hear from us.” He asked the second applicant, a doctor, the same question. The doctor said, “Two million dollars.” “OK, great, we’ll get back to you,” said the interviewer. He called in the third applicant, a lawyer. “How much compensation will you want for going on this mission?” he asked. The lawyer replied, “Three million dollars.” The interviewer smiled and said, “That’s a very fair request from someone of your qualifications.” The lawyer responded, “Thanks! Now, let’s talk about this ‘one way’ thing…”
31. A priest, an artist, and an engineer were discussing what makes people memorable. The artist argued that people’s appearances make them memorable. The priest said that people’s values and morals made them memorable. The engineer just shook his head and said, “People will only remember your mistakes.”
32. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess!” He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want!” Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool!”
33. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then a fire broke out in the engineer’s wastebasket. The engineer ran over to the bathroom, got a pitcher of water, poured it into the wastebasket and put out the fire. He then went back to sleep. The physicist woke up, saw the smoke, ran over to the wastebasket, quickly calculated the exact trajectory and velocity need, ran to the bathroom, got just enough water to eliminate the fire, and went back to sleep. The mathematician just looked at the fire for a moment, then ran to the bathroom, got a sampling of water, came back and poured it on the wastebasket. He then returned to his bed and fell asleep contented. He had reduced the problem to a previously solved one.
34. An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”
35. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
36. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!” The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!” The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
37. A group of engineering students were discussing which engineering discipline was the oldest. The mechanical engineer said, “Surely mechanical engineering must be the oldest. Look at the basic machines and mechanisms that have been around since ancient times.” The civil engineer chimed in, “No way. Civil engineering is much older, just look at some of the ancient buildings and infrastructure that still exist today.” The electrical engineer said, “You’re both wrong. Electrical engineering is clearly the oldest, harnessing the power of lightning and electricity.” They all paused and looked over at the software engineer, who simply shrugged and said, “Before any of that, there was chaos.”
38. What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
39. Why do engineers make good financial advisers? Because they’re always trying to optimize performance and maximize efficiency.
40. The punch line often engineers the joke.
41. I told my engineer friend we’re having a costume party. He showed up in normal clothes. When I asked him about his costume, he said “I’m dressed as a software engineer.”
42. I told my civil engineer friend that there was a leaning tower in Pisa. He got really excited to see it until I told him it was the architectural style, not a mistake.
43. What do you call an engineer who doesn’t know what he’s doing? A civil engineer.