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84 Jokes About Weddings

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84 Jokes About Weddings

Wedding Puns

  1. I do, I do, I do-nut want to get married!
  2. Marriage is all about give and take. He takes and she gives.
  3. I wanted to get married at an amusement park – that way my wedding would be a roller coaster of emotions.
  4. My friend got cold feet right before his wedding. Apparently his fiancee said her vows were going to be really long.
  5. I heard the groom at the wedding I went to got really drunk. I guess he just wanted to tie the not.
  6. The bride asked if her dress made her look fat. The groom said, “I don’t know, but the cake sure does.”
  7. Our wedding ceremony was so beautiful, not a dry eye in the house. No one could see through the fog from the smoke machine.
  8. My friend is marrying a guy she met on eHarmony. She said it was love at first site – as soon as she saw his income.
  9. Getting married is like buying a phone charger. You find one you like and ten years later it’s completely useless but you’re stuck with it.
  10. I wanted to hire a mariachi band for my wedding, but my fiancee said over her dead body. So I hired a mariachi band.

Wedding One-Liners

  1. I guess you could say the groom…tied the knot.
  2. The groom’s vows were so long, I think he was stalling.
  3. The bride tossed the bouquet and all the single ladies fought each other for it like a wedding Bachelorette.
  4. The wedding cake was made out of Styrofoam. I guess love wasn’t the only fake thing at this wedding.
  5. The bride wore white to match the groom’s cold feet.
  6. The groom’s toast: “To my beautiful wife! And to my beautiful mistress watching in the back!”
  7. Priest: “If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.” Groom’s Ex: “I object!”
  8. Bride’s vows: “For richer or richer.”
  9. The wedding bouquet toss was dangerous. Two bridesmaids knocked each other out.
  10. The groom danced with all the bridesmaids like he was at a club.

Best Wedding Jokes

  1. My friend hired a mime as the officiant for his wedding as a surprise for his bride. She was speechless!
  2. My cousin got married last weekend and they wrote their own vows. His started with “For as long as I can remember…” and ended with “…and that’s why I do.”
  3. The best man’s speech went on for almost an hour. Eventually the newlyweds had to cut him off by smashing wedding cake in his face.
  4. The groom’s family insisted on releasing doves at the end of the ceremony. Unfortunately, they got loose in the church and the wedding guests spent 20 minutes chasing and swatting at them.
  5. Right after the ceremony, the bride tripped and did a faceplant into the wedding cake. At least her new husband knows what he’s in for.
  6. The bride and groom rode off from the reception on a motorbike with a “Just Married” sign. Let’s hope their honeymoon has fewer crashes.
  7. The photographer kept calling the newlyweds “you two” instead of their names. I guess he didn’t Put a Ring on memorizing who was getting married.
  8. The best man made a Rap in lieu of a speech. Let’s just say the lyrics got a little graphic at times and Grandma was not amused.
  9. The groom’s ex showed up halfway through the ceremony shouting “I object!” Turns out she just wanted the engagement ring back.
  10. The flower girl insisted on pulling the petals off one by one instead of tossing them gently. The aisle looked like a floral massacre zone.
  11. The bride insisted on 37 bridesmaids. The procession down the aisle took over 20 minutes and the maid of honor almost passed out from holding her bouquet for so long.
  12. The ring bearer faceplanted right before reaching the alter and the rings went flying into the crowd. The flower girl saved the day by pulling the real rings out of her basket.
  13. The pastor kept calling the groom by the wrong name. “I now pronounce you Chuck and wife!” Luckily the marriage certificate had the right names.
  14. The groom passed out drunk during the first dance. The groomsmen had to prop him up Weekend at Bernie’s style.
  15. The electricity went out right at the “I do’s.” The rest of the ceremony was done by candlelight and the reception got crazy with a glow stick dance party.
  16. The maid of honor rapped her entire toast to the bride. She made up an elaborate rhyme using the bride’s full name and recounting all her wild bachelorette party antics.
  17. The flower girl was also the ring bearer since she insisted she could handle both jobs. She skipped down the aisle tossing flowers with one hand and holding the ring box in the other.
  18. The bride and groom set off fireworks after their kiss to end the ceremony. Singed eyebrows aside, it was a sparkling start to the celebration.