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69 Jokes About Vampires

69 Jokes About Vampires

Vampire Puns (10)

  1. What do vampires like to eat at breakfast? Stake and eggs!
  2. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak!
  3. Why did the vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation!
  4. Why don’t vampires make good baseball players? They’re afraid of bats!
  5. How can you tell when a vampire has a cold? They start coffin!
  6. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? Necktarines!
  7. Where does Dracula keep his valuables? In a blood bank!
  8. Why don’t vampires bite lawyers? Professional curtesy!
  9. Why are vampires so easy to fool? Because they’re suckers!
  10. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite!

Vampire One-Liners (20)

  1. I tried to make a vampire movie, but I couldn’t get the funding. I guess my idea just wasn’t bankable.
  2. My friend claims he once dated a vampire. I told him, “That relationship really sucks!”
  3. Vampires don’t have reflections. So I guess that makes them pretty poor role models.
  4. They say vampires can turn into bats. Be wary if you ever come across a bat wearing a cape.
  5. Vampires only drink blood because they don’t have working taste buds. They’d probably prefer a nice wine spritzer.
  6. Vampires aren’t so scary once you get to know them. They just need regular exposure to sunlight and holy water to stay healthy.
  7. Contrary to legend, vampires can actually enter your home without being invited in first. They just don’t want to be rude.
  8. Vampires aren’t immortal. They just age very slowly because of their nocturnal schedules. Less sun damage!
  9. How do you join a vampire dating site? Just click “Register” and become a member!
  10. A vampire isn’t necessarily allergic to garlic. They just have to limit their intake for cardiovascular health.
  11. Becoming a vampire is a big commitment. You really have to devote your life to the undead lifestyle.
  12. Vampires aren’t slaves to their bloodlust. With a little willpower, they can stick to the recommended daily allowance.
  13. Vampires get a bad rap, but they aren’t all bloodthirsty killers. Most are just regular people trying to get by.
  14. Sure, vampires can’t see their reflections, which makes hair styling tricky. But isn’t vanity overrated?
  15. Vampires have to be invited in before entering someone’s home. They don’t want to seem creepy or desperate!
  16. Being a vampire has its perks – like immortality and flying – but also downsides, like aversions to sunlight and garlic.
  17. Vampires may be immortal, but they still have goals: learning new things, traveling, spending time on hobbies and interests.
  18. Going vegan isn’t easy for vampires. Humanely sourced blood is expensive and in short supply.
  19. Vampires can’t turn into bats on command. They have to wait for the correct moon phase for their powers to work.

Best Vampire Jokes (39)

1. A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, “I thought vampires only drink blood?” The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m having tea.”

2. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite!

3. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak!

4. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? Because he was coffin!

5. Why don’t vampires bite lawyers? Professional curtesy!

6. How do vampires listen to music? Via Bluetooth!

7. Why don’t vampires make good baseball players? They’re afraid of bats!

8. Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine? Because he was coffin!

9. Why don’t vampires waterski? Because they can’t cross running water!

10. Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake!

11. What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem!

12. Why did the vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation!

13. Why is Dracula so unpopular? He has bat breath!

14. Why do vampires scare people? They are just a little batty!

15. What happens when a vampire bites a shark? You get shark-bite!

16. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? Necktarines!

17. Why can’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin!

18. Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist? Because he likes to draw blood!

19. What do you call a vegetarian vampire? The Herbi-gore!

20. Why don’t vampires bite lawyers? Professional curtesy!

21. What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a teacher? Lots of blood tests!

22. Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind!

23. What do you call a sleeping vampire? A nap addict!

24. Why do vampires use mouthwash? Because they have bat breath!

25. Why does Dracula wear patent leather shoes? Because they squeak when he walks!

26. Why do vampires need mouthwash? Because they have bat breath!

27. Why do vampires avoid sunbathing on the beach? Because they fry easily!

28. Why are vampires allowed to give blood? Because it is in their veins to do so!

29. How do you join a vampire fan club? Just bite into it!

30. What is a vampire’s favorite snack? Ghoul scout cookies!

31. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts!

32. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with!

33. How do vampires get around on Halloween night? By blood vessels!

34. What do Italian vampires say? Fangs for the blood!

35. Why don’t mummies take time off? They’re afraid to unwind!

36. Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath!

37. What is Dracula’s favorite fruit? Neck-tarines!

38. Why was the vampire arrested at the blood bank? He was caught making illegal withdrawals!

39. How does a vampire start a letter? Tomb it may concern…