104 Jokes About Snakes

Snake Puns (20)

1. What do you call a snake that works as a spy? A ssspy snake!
2. Why did the snake get a job as a teacher? Because it was an aspiring professor.
3. What do you call a snake that likes to dance? A hip hop viper.
4. Why are snakes never able to send text messages? They can’t hold the phoney properly.
5. What do you call a snake from Ireland? A St. Patrick’s Day adder.
6. How does a snake sneeze? Ah-chooooo!
7. What’s a plumber’s favorite snake? A pipe python.
8. Why are snakes so smart? They have great ahead on their shoulders.
9. What do you call a snake that studies the stars? An astro-viper.
10. Why did the snake cross the road? To get to the other sssside.
11. How do snakes communicate? With a snake and a hiss.
12. What do you call a snake that likes sweets? A licorice mamba.
13. Why are snakes bad at sending emails? They have no shoulders to tap.
14. What do you call a snake who works as a lawyer? An attorney adder!
15. How does a snake pay for things? With a rattler card.
16. What’s a snake’s favorite school subject? Hissstory.
17. What do you call a snake that’s also a dentist? A fang serpent.
18. Why are snakes never late for meetings? They like to be on time viper.
19. How do snakes get online? They connect to the copperhead network.
20. What do you call a snake that sells products door to door? A sales-viper.

Snake One-Liners (20)

21. I asked the snake how the shedded skin tasted, he said it was a bit dry.
22. They laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti – you should have seen the looks on their faces when I drove pasta.
23. Always borrow money from a pessimist, they’ll never expect it back.
24. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
25. My wife said I had a bad sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right.
26. I told my girlfriend she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
27. Please don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help!
28. My friend keeps saying “cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
29. My wife threatened to leave me because of my obsession with the Monkees. I thought she was joking, then I saw her face.
30. I went to a peanut factory last week. It was nuts!
31. Never trust atoms, they make up everything.
32. Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.
33. Boomerang fishing is all the rage lately. If you haven’t tried it, you should really throw it out there.
34. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? Don’t worry, he’s all right now.
35. I tried catching fog today. Mist.
36. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Where is the bar tender?”
37. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
38. My friend was caught speeding and failed his driving test. Too bad he can’t retake it.
39. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer today. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
40. Keep the dream alive: hit the snooze button.

Best Snake Jokes (20)

41. A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve snakes here.” The snake says, “C’mon man, just one drink.” The bartender says, “Absolutely not. Get out of here.” So the snake goes outside and rubs himself against the wall to dry himself off and ruffle up his skin so he looks different. He goes back into the bar and orders another drink. The bartender says “Hey, didn’t I just throw you out?” And the snake says, “Nope, I’m a whole new snake now.”
42. What’s the difference between a python and a boa constrictor? A python will as-s-s-s-sssfixiate you, while a boa constrictor will con-s-s-s-sstrict you.
43. Why did the snake get kicked out of the casino? Because he kept playing with loaded dice.
44. A man goes to visit a friend and sees his dog licking his pet snake which is lying on the porch. The man asks, “Does your snake enjoy this?” His friend replies, “Oh yes, whenever he’s being licked by the dog, he lifts his head and hisses with pleasure.” The man responds, “Interesting…I’ve never heard of a snake hissing with pleasure before.” The friend says, “Of course not, that’s because you’ve never hisssed your pet snake before.”
45. Did you hear about the snake who joined the army? It became a Boa Con-script-or!
46. What do you call a snake that always takes the longest route? An ana-conda!
47. Why are snakes never served alcohol at bars? Because they can’t hold their liqueur.
48. What do you call a snake that likes to sleep all day? A nappa viper!
49. What do you call a snake that works as a detective? A private hiss-igator!
50. Why was the pet snake unhappy? Because it had no body to play with!
51. What happened when the snake went to the doctor? It had a reptile dysfunction!
52. What do you call a snake who lives in a small house? A cramped rattler!
53. What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school? Hiss-tory!
54. What do snakes order at restaurants? A rattler and fries!
55. Why are snakes the best lawyers? Because they know all the legal loopholes!
56. Why can’t snakes play baseball? Because they can’t run the bases!
57. Did you hear about the hungry snake who swallowed himself? He became an ouuuuuroboros!
58. What do you call a snake that’s joined a choir? A hymn viper!
59. Why are snakes never worried? Because they always keep their cool!
60. How do snakes communicate? With a snake and a hiss!