I wanted to make French toast but I couldn’t find the pan. Now that’s a crêpe!
My kitchen is so small I can cook in the bedroom and still sleep in the kitchen.
I entered my casserole in a cooking competition but it fell flat.
I bought way too many onions at the store. Now my kitchen is full of shallots!
The electric can opener broke so now we have to use the manual can opener. It’s soda pressing.
My friend got food poisoning from undercooked chicken. I told him he should have known butter.
I dropped a stick of butter on the kitchen floor. Now there’s greece everywhere!
I was going to make banana bread but I ate all the bananas. What a missed opportunity!
My wife put the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge. It was a breakfast debacle.
I wanted to bake cookies but we were out of flour. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.
Kitchen One-Liners
My kitchen is so small I have to go outside to change my mind.
I like cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
I don’t enjoy cooking. I just like eating.
My kitchen scale broke, so nothing I make is weighed properly anymore.
I’m on a seafood diet – I see food and I eat it.
I’m a great multi-tasker. I can burn food and set off the smoke alarm at the same time.
I don’t need Google, my mom knows everything.
I don’t microwave food. I Thom Yorke it.
My kitchen is cleaner than your kitchen.
Cooking rule: if you can’t read it, eat it!
Best Kitchen Jokes
Last night I had a dream that I was baking a giant cake in the kitchen. When I woke up I realized it was just a food dream.
My friend came over and asked if she could use my kitchen. I said “sure, knock yourself out.” Ten minutes later there was a huge mess and she was passed out on the floor.
I was cooking dinner while my wife was at work. I sent her a text saying “What time will you be home? I’m making your favorite meal!” She responded “Aw, you’re so sweet! Spaghetti bolognese? I’ll be home at 6.” I replied “No, I’m making my favorite. Chili.”
My wife sent me to the store for ingredients to make soup but I got distracted and came home with chips and ice cream instead. She yelled “I wanted you to buy soup supplies!” I said “Sorry honey, I was in the zonk zone.”
Last week my smoke alarm went off while cooking dinner but I didn’t want the food to burn. So I grabbed the alarm off the wall and put it in the freezer. It stopped beeping immediately. Now that’s what I call alarm chilled cooking.
I was cooking pasta on the stove while texting my friend. She asked what I was making for dinner and I sent her a photo of the pasta sauce simmering. She replied “Uh oh, I think your sauce is burning!” I looked over and the pasta water was boiling over. Moral of the story: don’t text while cooking!
My wife and I got into an argument because I missed her call while I was cooking dinner. I tried to explain that I didn’t hear my phone because of the exhaust fan. She didn’t believe me so now we have fan issues.
My wife was complaining that I never help her in the kitchen. So the next day I got up early and made her a big breakfast in bed. Later she yelled at me again because I had used every single pot and pan making eggs and bacon.
I was making a sandwich in the kitchen when all the drawers and cabinets mysteriously opened by themselves. My wife thinks our house is haunted but I’m pretty sure I just made a ghost sandwich.
I accidentally knocked a carton of eggs onto the floor while putting away groceries. I tried to scoop them back into the carton but my wife caught me. Now I’m not allowed in the kitchen unsupervised.
My friend came over for dinner and complimented me on my clean kitchen. I said “Thanks! I just cleaned up the mess from cooking.” He replied “No I mean, like, it’s REALLY clean. Like you don’t cook.”
I was boiling pasta and got distracted, so it overcooked into a mushy mess. My wife yelled from the other room “Uh oh, I smell trouble!” I yelled back, “Don’t worry, the fire department is on the way!”
My wife asked me to spend more time with the kids and less time in the kitchen. So now I take them grocery shopping with me every weekend and we pick out ingredients together. They love cooking with dad!
I was chopping vegetables for a salad and accidentally cut my finger pretty badly. My wife said we need to childproof the kitchen. I told her “Don’t worry, the blood will help the lettuce blend better.”
My wife doesn’t appreciate my experimental cooking. Like last night, I roasted cauliflower in peanut butter. She accused me of trying to ruin dinner on purpose. But it was delicious!
I was cooking dinner while video chatting with my mom. She kept telling me to add more salt and pepper without even tasting it first. Moms never change!
My smoke detector has been beeping all week because the battery is low. Today while cooking, the beeping finally stopped. That’s how I knew dinner was ready.
I was browsing through old cookbooks and found my grandma’s handwritten recipes. Reading her notes in the margins took me back to childhood days cooking with her in the kitchen.
My wife gets mad when I sneak snacks while cooking dinner. But I can’t help tasting the food to make sure it’s seasoned properly. She just doesn’t understand.
I entered a baking contest and accidentally used salt instead of sugar. The judges said my cupcakes were terrible. But I think that’s just their opinion.
