I bought a really expensive antique key online, but when it arrived it didn’t work. I guess I got an un-lock-y buy.
My friend got angry when I accused him of stealing my keys. He said, “How dare you make such a key accusation against me!”
I was struggling to get my key in the lock, so I asked my roommate for help. He took a look and said, “Yeah, that key definitely doesn’t fit the lock.”
I brought my keys to the hardware store to get copies made. The clerk said, “I can duplicate those keys for you, no problem!” I said, “Yeah, make me a few fakes please.”
I entered a contest where I had to use my car keys to unlock a prize. Unfortunately, I didn’t win. I guess I didn’t have the right key to success.
My friend bought a piano but didn’t have the key to open it. I told him, “That’s a minor problem. Just take it to the locksmith.”
I accidentally swallowed a key earlier. Now every time I go to the bathroom it unlocks a new memory.
Did you hear about the thief who stole a set of keys and tried to ransom them back for a million dollars? What a weir-dough.
I was nervous about making copies of my key, but the locksmith assured me that duplicating keys is pretty standard practice.
Working as a locksmith has its ups and downs. On one hand, it’s a key industry. On the other hand, it can be a grind.
Keys One-Liners (10)
I bought a keyboard without any keys. I guess you could call it a nokia.
I accidentally swallowed my keychain this morning. Something tells me I’m going to have a rough day.
I bought my friend a piano but didn’t give them the key. It was just a minor gift.
My serial key thief cousin strikes again. This time he took my enter key. Guess he wanted to access my apartment.
Be careful when eating alphabet soup, you don’t want to choke on the letter keys.
I bought my kid a toy piano but didn’t give them the keys, I figured it would teach them how to deal with minor issues.
I got so bored during the lockdown that I memorized all the serial numbers on my keys.
After my piano recital, I accidentally locked my keys in my car. I guess I really ended the night on a low note.
Accidentally locked my keys in the car while it was still running. Police showed up shortly after saying they got reports of a keyless entry.
Lost my keys yesterday and my roommate said “That’s karma for you.” I said “No, that’s a keys issue.”
Best Keys Jokes (27)
My friend got drunk and lost his house keys last night. This morning he had to sleep on my doorstep. When I opened the door, he tumbled in and yelled “Ta-daaa!” I said “What are you doing man?” He slurred “Just making an entrance!”
I was hanging out with my friend when he pulled out a piano key and asked “Do you know what this key unlocks?” I said “No what?” He said “A minor!”
Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing a car? When the police showed up, they found he didn’t actually have the keys. He was just trying to pull off a keyless entry.
I bought a new house but the real estate agent didn’t give me the keys. When I asked him about it, he said “Sorry, no keys come with this property.”
My wife asked me to go shopping for groceries. I came back with only eggs and ice cream. She said “Where are the groceries?” I shrugged and jingled my keys “I don’t know, I must have misplaced the list”.
I recently switched all my passwords to “incorrect” so whenever I forget, it will tell me “Your password is incorrect.”
Did you hear about the thief who fell into the cement mixer? Now he’s a hardened criminal.
Why do sharks live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Our wedding was so beautiful even the cake was in tiers.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stare.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahahaha.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
I went to buy camouflage pants but I couldn’t find any.
I spent $40k to clone my dog. Money well spent, he is the best bud I ever had.
I told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts. He said “From now on I am charging by the hour.”
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed, we’re having a staff meeting.
My boss pulled up to work today in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “Wow that’s an amazing car!” He said “Thanks! If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year”.
My girlfriend changed a lot after she became a vegan. It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
