Heart Puns (25)
1. I tried to draw a heart, but it wasn’t very aorta-cute.
2. My doctor told me I need to watch my cholesterol so I can have a healthy heart. I told him he shouldn’t put so much stock in fortune cookies.
3. I wanted to get a tattoo of a heart, but I didn’t have the ventricle fortitude to go through with it.
4. I was feeling lonely so I drew a heart in the sand at the beach. The tide washed it away though and swept me off my feet.
5. I thought about getting heart shaped glasses until I realized they’d just rose-tint my world.
6. Did you hear about the frog who wanted to find love? He was just hopping to meet the girl of his dreams and make her his ribbiter.
7. I tried to make a heart shaped pizza for Valentine’s day but it turned into a hot mess in the oven. Still tasted good though!
8. My tinder date accused me of not having a heart. I guess I should take that with a grain of ventricle.
9. I was feeling cardiac today so I drew hearts on all my notebooks. My teacher wasn’t too thrilled about that.
10. Why don’t oysters give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
11. I wanted to get my girlfriend a special heart shaped gift, but I didn’t have the funds in my aorta account.
12. Did you hear about the frustrated jeweler? He was having a hard time diamond cutting a heart shaped gem.
13. Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
14. I was feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day so I made myself a heart shaped pizza. It was so cheesy and delicious!
15. Did you hear about the snake who fell in love? It gave her a boa-quet of flowers and asked her to be his hiss-tress.
16. My friend got a tattoo of a heart with a lock on it. When I asked about it, he said it was symbolic of how love can sometimes feel like an imprisonment.
17. What did the carpenter say when he accidentally cut a heart shape out of the wood? Oops, I made a little love seat!
18. Did you hear about the girl who only dated cardiologists? I guess you could say she only had heart surgeons for boyfriends.
19. Why was the heart feeling depressed? It needed an aorta transplant to feel alive again.
20. Did you hear about the chef who made heart-shaped crepes for Valentine’s Day? His customers kept raving about how they were swoon-worthy.
21. Why was the heart mad at its best friend? Because he kept ventricle-ating its trust over and over again.
22. Did you hear about the heart that fell in love at first sight? I guess you could say it was struck by cupid’s bow and arrow.
23. I wanted to celebrate Heart Health Month by running a 5K, but I quickly realized I didn’t have the cardiac endurance for it yet.
24. Why are hearts bad gift wrappers? They always end up putting too many creases in the paper.
25. My friend got dumped on Valentine’s Day and said her heart was completely shattered. I told her she’ll get over it eventually and find the right ventricle partner one day.
Heart One-Liners (25)
26. My heart may be damaged but it still works…just no refunds or returns.
27. I wear my heart on my sleeve because pockets are overrated.
28. My heart is a open book, literally, I had heart surgery last year.
29. I’m an open heart surgeon, so I guess you could say I have a strong stomach.
30. I donated my heart to charity but thankfully had a spare.
31. My heart is made of stone…and a pacemaker.
32. I recently got dumped but my heart will go on, probably to the next bad relationship.
33. I wanted to be an organ donor but they said my heart wasn’t good enough to donate.
34. My heart is shattered but the doctor said duct tape should fix it.
35. I wear my heart on my sleeve because it’s stained and I’m trying to hide it.
36. My heart may be cold but at least it keeps beating.
37. I recently got my heart broken but at least it wasn’t under warranty.
38. I’m searching for a new heart on ebay because mine is defective.
39. My heart is a muscle and it’s definitely getting a workout trying to recover from heartbreak.
40. I’m heartless…literally, I need a transplant.
41. My heart bleeds for romantic comedies…it’s pathetic really.
42. My heart is my favorite internal organ, it’s been with me through everything.
43. My heart is shattered into a million little pieces, much like my self esteem.
44. I wear my heart monitor on my sleeve for style points.
45. If my heart had pockets it would be broke.
46. My heart is rusty but it keeps on ticking.
47. I recently got my heart checked and apparently it has arrhythmia.
48. My heart may be faulty but at least it has character.
49. I donated my heart to charity but kept the receipt in case I need it back.
50. My heart is bandaged but not broken…yet.
Best Heart Jokes (26)
51. Samantha was feeling sad after her recent breakup so she went to the doctor for a checkup. “You seem to have a broken heart,” the doctor told her. “Don’t worry, I know just the cure – a bowl of ice cream topped with chocolate and candy hearts always heals my broken heart.” Samantha smiled and replied, “Thanks Doc, just what the cardiologist ordered.”
52. Martin was feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day so he went to build-a-bear to make himself a special friend. He picked out a red bear, stuffed it with hugs, and customized it with a heart shaped nose and paw prints on its fur. On the way home, he stopped and got a box of chocolates for him and his new furry Valentine to share while watching sappy romance movies.
53. While John was at his annual physical, the doctor told him he needed to improve his heart health immediately. The doctor said “No more burgers and fries, you need to eat more salads with avocado and nuts.” John replied “Are you nuts? I’d rather have a stroke of luck than a stroke from no luck eating that food!”
54. Jane signed up for a fun run to raise money for heart disease, but soon realized she was in over her head. By the second mile, her heart was pounding, lungs burning, and legs aching. She finished dead last, collapsing at the finish line. The race director ran over and said “Are you ok?” Jane replied “No, I think I just had a cardiac in-farction!”
55. Bill wanted to surprise his wife for valentine’s day with a romantic, heart-healthy dinner. He prepared grilled salmon, quinoa salad, and sauteed brussel sprouts. But his wife took one look at the plate and said “Ugh, this meal looks gross! Let’s order a pizza.” Bill was crushed, he had cooked with all his heart only to get it stomped on.
56. Why was the mitochondria sad after Valentine’s Day? Because it thought it was the powerhouse of the heart, when really it was just another organelle.
57. How did the crush know she had completely stolen his heart? Because he kept following her around like a love sick puppy dog, oblivious to the world around him.
58. Why was the grumpy man visiting the cardiologist? Because he only cared about getting heart meds, not having heart-to-heart talks!
59. How can you tell if someone is utterly heartless? When they say “I love you” with the same enthusiasm as “please pass the salt.”
60. Charlie was nervous about his big date so he stopped at the florist to get a bouquet. “Roses are too cliché, what other romantic flowers do you have?” he asked. The florist smiled and handed him a colorful bouquet. “These are bleeding hearts, perfect for making an impression!” Charlie looked horrified until she explained they were just colorful flowering plants, not actual bleeding human hearts!
61. Why did the heart lead a lonely existence? It was stuck inside the ribcage without a significant other.
62. How does a heart get around town? It takes the ventricles.
63. Why did the heart cross the road? It needed to get to the other ventricle.
64. How does a heart party? It vena cavas.
65. How did the heart win the lottery? With lots of aorta luck!
66. Why was the heart voted prom king? Because it had so much ventricular charisma!
67. How does a heart send flowers? It arteries them over.
68. Why did the heart throw a big costume party? It wanted to have a masquerade coronary.
69. What kind of shoes do hearts wear? High aortas!
70. Why did the heart get sent to the principal’s office? For ventricle misconduct.
71. How does a heart get dressed up? It puts on artery evening gown.
72. Why did the heart cross the Atlantic ocean? For a much needed ven-cation.
73. What’s a heart’s favorite magazine? Cardiology Today!
74. Why did the heart have to stop eating sweets? Because its blood sugar was too high.
75. Where do hearts like to shop? The atrium mall.
76. Why did the heart need glasses? It was having ventricular vision problems.