Gardening Puns (24)
- What do you call a funny gardener? A com-potato.
- Why was the gardener good at archery? He had a green thumb.
- I entered my garden in a competition but it didn’t win first prize. It was just runner beans.
- My friend got mad when I rearranged her herb garden. But hey, no thyme like the present!
- Gardening rule #1: leaf it alone if you can’t make it better.
- What did the lettuce say to the celery? Quit stalking me!
- I asked my gardener how much it would cost to buy all his tools. He said it would be a small trowel fee.
- My friend couldn’t afford new gardening tools so he had to make do-lawn with what he had.
- When I told my wife I was going to dig up my vegetable garden she said “Oh no, you won’t!” I said “Oh yes, I will!”
- Our pumpkin patch was a failure. I guess we just gourd-geous.
- Gardening requires a lot of thyme and patience.
- I caught my wife trying to sneak the garden gnomes out of the yard last night. I confronted her and she came clean.
- My friend got kicked out of the community garden for planting contraband beets.
- Don’t tell secrets in a cornfield – there are too many ears!
- My friend claimed someone stole his garden rake but I think he’s just grasping at straws.
- Working in the garden has really opened my eyes to seedy business practices.
- I entered my herb garden into a competition but it was disqualified for using too much thyme.
- Don’t make fun of gardeners, they’re down to earth people.
- Did you hear about the fight at the flower show? Somebody threw a pansy at a rose!
- My friend’s garden party got out of hand when someone spiked the punch with moonshine.
- They say gardening relieves stress but I find it very planting.
- I caught my neighbor trying to cross-pollinate my vegetable garden. Pretty shady behavior if you ask me.
- My friend claims she was abducted by aliens who experimented on her garden. I think she’s been smoking too much thyme.
Gardening One-Liners (29)
- I’m reading a great book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
- My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
- I’m glad I know sign language. It’s pretty handy.
- I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
- Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.
- 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
- I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
- Don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
- My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
- I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. They told me I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
- I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
- I told my carpenter I didn’t want stairs, just a ladder. He gave me a step ladder. That’s not what I meant!
- I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
- I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
- I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
- My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
- I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
- My friend says I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.
- I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
- What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
- The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
- I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
Best Gardening Jokes (41)
1. My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am last night, can you believe that? Luckily I was still up gardening.
2. I was out in my vegetable garden when I spotted a giant cabbage. I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was heads and shoulders above the rest.
3. Did you hear about the scarecrow who won an award? He was outstanding in his field.
4. I planted some herbs in my garden but they all died. It was a real plant-tastrophe!
5. My friend grew enormous beets in his garden. I asked him for his secret and he said “I beta-nine them every day.”
6. I decided to enter my vegetable garden into the county fair but nobody liked it. They said it wasn’t at-tractive.
7. Did you hear about the zombie attack at the gardening store? They were looking to raise the dead!
8. Why don’t melons get married? Because they cantaloupe!
9. I was digging in my garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was absolutely minted!
10. My friend got arrested for stealing all the garden ornaments in our neighborhood. The cops can’t pin gnome thing on him yet though.
11. I accidentally stepped on my neighbor’s flowerbed today while retrieving my frisbee. Now I’m in treble.
12. What do you call a woman standing in a vegetable garden? A strawbaby.
13. How does basil help solve crimes? It swears to tell the chives, the whole chives, and nothing but the chives.
14. Why can’t you trust a peony? Because they like to rosé the truth!
15. Why shouldn’t you tell secrets to a pumpkin? Because they have a gourd loose mouth.
16. Why do melons have big weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
17. What do you get if you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover? A rash of good luck.
18. How did the leek try to end the garden party early? He shallot everyone know it was time to leaf.
19. Why are small flowers the most organized? Because they always mind their p’s and queues!
20. How do trees access the internet? They just log on.
21. Why shouldn’t you tell a daffodil your secrets? Because it will tulip!
22. Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was outstanding in his field.
23. Why did the gardener plant a light bulb? He wanted to grow a power plant!
24. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
25. How do trees get on the internet? They just log on.
26. What do you call an angry gardener? A hot head!
27. I was going to tell a joke about tomatoes, but it’s a little corny.
28. What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries!
29. Why shouldn’t you believe atoms? Because they make up everything!
30. Why was the strawberry sad? Because her parents were in a jam!
31. What did the little corn say to the mama corn? Where is pop corn?
32. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
33. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
34. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
35. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
36. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
37. How do trees access the internet? They log on.
38. What’s the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!
39. Why was the little strawberry crying? Her mom was in a jam.
40. What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!
41. Why do gardeners make excellent dancers? They have herb-ythm!