Cards Puns (15)
1. I wanted to get my friend a greeting card for her birthday that had a cute animal on it, but the only thing left in the store was a card with a lobster. I guess I’ll have to settle for a crabby birthday card.
2. My wife asked me to pick up a card for her mom’s birthday. I accidentally bought a Father’s Day card instead. Boy, is my mother-in-law going to be surprised!
3. I was looking for an anniversary card for my parents, but I couldn’t find one I liked. The pickings were pretty slim – I guess all the good cards had been picked over.
4. I bought a congratulations card for my friend who just had a baby, but it had a funny typo on the front – instead of saying “It’s a girl!” it said “It’s agirl!” Talk about a major greeting card fail.
5. I was sending a card to my favorite nephew for his high school graduation. I told the lady at the store, “Give me a card that really sends the message ‘Way to go!’.” She handed me a card with a giant footprint on the front. I guess it literally said way to go!
6. I was looking for a Valentine’s Day card for my wife, but all they had left were awful puns. I reluctantly chose one that said “We make a perfect pear.” She’s going to hate it, but it’s the thought that counts, right?
7. I wanted to get my dad a thoughtful birthday card, but the selection at the drugstore was pretty limited. The only cards left featured cute animals, so I got him one with a fluffy bunny on the front. It said “Hoppy Birthday…Dad!” Now he probably thinks I think he’s a cute little bunny.
8. I accidentally bought my mom a Hanukkah card for her birthday – it had a menorah and said “May your Hanukkah be bright!” Now she thinks I’ve converted religions without telling her. Awkward!
9. I was sending an anniversary card to my grandparents. The card I chose had two birds sitting in a tree on the front that said “Two lovebirds, 60 years!” I opened it up and realized the inside text was actually for a wedding. Now they have a really confusing card for their 60th anniversary.
10. I couldn’t resist buying the cutest birthday card for my daughter’s 1st birthday. It has a little duckling on the front wearing a party hat that says “I’m one cute duckling!” Too bad my daughter thinks ducks are terrifying – this card is going to give her nightmares.
11. I bought a card with a piece of chocolate taped inside for my coworker’s birthday. When I gave it to him, the chocolate had completely melted and gotten all over the inside of the card, ruining the nice message I had written. I guess next time I’ll keep food and cards separate.
12. I was excited to find a great anniversary card for my parents with two lovebirds on it. When I showed it to my dad, he chuckled and said “You do realize those are parakeets, not lovebirds, right?” Trust me to pick out the wrong bird card!
13. For my girlfriend’s birthday I bought a cute musical card that played “Happy Birthday” when you opened it up. I didn’t realize it would play the song at full blast – it scared both of us and startled her right as she went to blow out the candles. That musical card is going in the trash!
14. I found the perfect card for my friend who loves cats – it had the cutest little kitten wearing glasses on the front. Unfortunately, when I opened up the card, there was already writing inside from the previous buyer who had forgotten to send it. Now she’s going to think I’m re-gifting her a used card!
15. I bought a funny birthday card for my dad with a cute hippo on the front wearing a party hat. When I gave it to him, he looked confused and said “Son, you know I’ve never liked hippos.” Back to the drawing board for next year’s card!
Cards One-Liners (10)
16. I play my cards right, which is why I always lose at poker.
17. I thought my fortune teller would predict my future, but she just told me to pick another card.
18. Whenever I get invited to a game night, I make sure to bring my deck of uno cards – that way I always have at least one friend there.
19. Dating tips: always keep a few uno reverse cards handy for when things start moving too fast.
20. I entered a game of poker completely naked to make sure no one would accuse me of having cards up my sleeve.
21. I never win at poker because I treat every hand like a game of 52 card pickup.
22. Whenever I have the opportunity to make two choices, I pull out my deck of cards – heads it’s one, tails it’s the other.
23. You can tell a lot about a guy by which Magic the Gathering cards are in his deck. Just kidding, no you can’t.
24. In hindsight, strip poker may not have been the best bachelorette party game.
25. Forget tarot cards – my future is written in my deck of Pokémon cards.
Best Cards Jokes (22)
26. Last week my wife asked me to pick up a sweet card and some flowers for her on my way home from work. I was tired and completely forgot. When I walked through the door empty handed, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Honey, I’m really sorry but they were all out of cards today. Must be a national card shortage or something.” She just rolled her eyes and shaking her head said “You couldn’t have come up with a better excuse than that?” Now I’m in even more trouble.
27. My grandparents like to tell this story about the first Valentine’s Day after they got married. My grandpa stopped to pick out a card for my grandma on his way home from work, but he accidentally grabbed one that said “Happy Anniversary” instead of “Happy Valentine’s Day.” When he realized his mistake, he tried to play it cool by crossing out “Anniversary” and writing “Valentine’s Day” instead. But my grandma totally busted him when she opened it. She still brings it up 55 years later!
28. When I was in elementary school, I would always make Valentine’s Day cards by hand for all my classmates. I had a huge crush on this boy named Danny, so I decided to make him an extra special card covered in hearts and glitter. When I proudly presented it to him, he just looked at it and asked “Why did you give me a girl card?” I was mortified and had to hold back tears for the rest of the day.
29. One year for my mom’s birthday, I decided to make her a homemade card instead of buying one from the store. I did a collage on the front with old family photos and magazine clippings to represent things she loved, like gardening and cooking. I even found a picture of a cake and glued it to the front with the message “Happy Birthday Mom!” written in glitter. She took one look at it, started cracking up, and said “Honey did you just give me a card with a picture of a cake that says Happy Birthday?”
30. When I was a kid, my dad used to always pull a prank on my mom’s birthday where he would pretend to forget. She would act upset until he pulled out a sweet card from behind his back. One year I decided to pull the same trick on her when I was 7. That morning, when she didn’t get a card from either of us, she started crying. I felt awful and immediately confessed that her card was hidden in my room the whole time!
31. Last Christmas, my grandma gave me a gift card to a fancy restaurant in town. I was really excited to use it for a date night until I realized the gift card actually expired the previous year. Grandma felt so bad when I told her, but honestly it just became a running joke in our family. We always tease her now by wrapping up her gifts in old expired gift cards too!
32. When I was 13, I was completely obsessed with this boy in my class named Jake. For Valentine’s Day, I bought one of those musical cards that plays a song when you open it and recorded myself singing “Jake, Jake, Jake, I love you!” on it. I put it in his locker and waited anxiously for him to discover it. Let’s just say I never got the reaction I hoped for, and that card haunted me for the rest of middle school.
33. One April Fool’s Day when I was a kid, I decided to prank my dad by switching out all the cards in our deck with joke playing cards. You should have seen his face when he sat down to play poker with his buddies and each card he drew said stuff like “April Fools!” and had silly pictures instead of the normal suits. Luckily he thought it was hilarious, even though it ruined their game.
34. Last Christmas I bought my brother a $50 Amazon gift card that came in one of those fancy gift card holders. When he opened it, he laughed and said “Thanks for the holder, but where’s the actual gift card?” I was so embarrassed—I had accidentally removed and lost the gift card itself and just wrapped up the empty holder. Major gift fail!
35. For my tenth birthday, my grandparents gave me a card with a $10 bill inside. I was thrilled and immediately ran to show my parents. That is, until the $10 bill went flying out of the card and into our pond in the backyard while I was waving it around. My grandpa tried to fish it out with a net, but we never saw that money again!
36. When I was in college, my roommates and I got a campus parking violation notice on our car window. We were all annoyed about having to pay the $20 ticket until we looked closer and realized the ticket was actually just an advertisement card for discounted pizza that was disguised to look real. We got worked up over nothing and felt like idiots when we figured it out!
37. Last year my wife completely forgot about our anniversary and didn’t get me a card or anything, which was disappointing. A few days later, a card addressed to me arrived in the mail. When I opened it, the card was actually just addressed to “Current Resident” and turned out to be a coupon mailer from the grocery store. Nice try covering up your mistake, honey!
38. My brother loves to play pranks, so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I opened the birthday card he gave me and a bunch of plastic spiders popped out. I screamed and jumped about ten feet in the air. Of course my brother thought it was hilarious, but he knows how much I hate spiders. Revenge will be sweet!
39. One Christmas, my grandma gave my cousins and me each a nice card with money inside. When my younger cousin Charlie opened his card, the envelope was empty. We searched everywhere but couldn’t find the missing money, until Charlie sheepishly admitted he’d opened his card early and spent the $20 on candy canes. Grandma was not pleased!
40. Last Valentine’s Day, my husband surprised me with flowers and a sweet card signed “Your Secret Admirer.” He had this huge grin on his face waiting for me to react. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I found the same card stuffed in his sock drawer a week earlier when I was putting away laundry!
41. When I was seven, I got really upset one Mother’s Day because my homemade card wasn’t as nice as the one my older sister made. I went up to my room and re-did mine by basically just gluing a bunch of ribbons and beads all over it. When I proudly presented it to my mom, she had this pained smile on her face. I could tell she hated my ugly sparkly creation but was trying not to hurt my feelings!
42. Last week I was running late for an important interview so I asked my neighbor if I could borrow their garage clicker. They handed me a clicker and I rushed off. After the interview was over, I realized I had grabbed their actual television remote instead! Now they probably keep clicking it wondering why the garage door won’t open.
43. For my friend’s 30th birthday, I decided to surprise her by mailing funny greeting cards from all her old ex-boyfriends. I signed them with the guys’ names and wrote jokey messages like “I’ll never forget our special time together”. She thought it was hilarious until she opened one that said “Sorry things didn’t work out, all the best – Mark”. The problem? She never dated any guy named Mark!
44. My anniversary is next week, so I went to the store to pick out a sweet card for my wife. I found one with a cute dog on the front that read “You’re the best!” Perfect, I thought. When I opened it up, the inside said “…at taking out the garbage!” At least she’ll get a laugh out of my failed attempt at romance.
45. For April Fool’s Day this year, I switched out my roommate’s whole deck of cards with a trick deck. He sat down to play solitaire and was so confused when cards started appearing and disappearing right off the table! I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face. Needless to say, he hasn’t asked me to play cards with him since.
46. My husband’s family has this funny tradition where they give gag greeting cards for every occasion. Last Christmas, my mother-in-law proudly presented me with a card that said “Happy Holidays, you old hag!” on the front. She laughed and said “Get it, because you married my son so now you’re part of the family too!” Maybe for Mother’s Day I’ll get her one that says “Thanks for raising such a nightmare.
47. I was so excited when my secret Santa at work gave me a greeting card – I just knew it was going to have gift cards or cash inside. I ripped open the envelope excitedly only to find it empty. Then I flipped over the card and read the front: “This card entitles you to…” and realized my cheap co-worker’s gift was literally just the empty greeting card itself. Merry Christmas to me!