Stock Market Puns (20)
1. I wanted to invest in a hedge fund but all the good ones have been trimmed.
2. My stockbroker told me to diversify but I’m not sure how swimming will help my portfolio.
3. I asked my friend how his stocks were doing and he said, “They’ve been up and down more times than a yo-yo!”
4. I was going to buy stock in a ladder company but the prices kept going up and up.
5. I invested all my money in a calendar company but they only have 12 months left.
6. I bought stock in a violin company but their shares have been stringing me along.
7. I wanted to invest in the snail racing industry but it was too slow moving.
8. I invested in an origami company but their stock folded.
9. I bought shares in a clock company but their stock kept ticking me off.
10. I invested in a paper company but the returns were tearable.
11. I bought stock in a greeting card company but there were no dividends.
12. I invested in ramen noodles but could not get passed the stock split.
13. I bought shares in a pool company but did not see much liquidity.
14. I invested in an elevator company but did not have much uplift.
15. I bought stock in a chocolate factory but did not have much return on my invest-mints.
16. I invested in a nail salon but did not get much of a manicure on my investment.
17. I bought shares in a ketchup company but did not make much on my return.
18. I invested in a bowling alley company but did not get much return in my split.
19. I bought stock in a chef hat company but did not have much return on my invest-ment.
20. I invested in a clock company but found the returns to be alarmingly low.
Stock Market One-Liners (20)
21. My stockbroker told me to be bullish but all I could picture were bulls tearing through a china shop.
22. I asked my broker if I should buy or sell – he said yes.
23. My stockbroker says I should spread my investments wide – so I bought stock in a mattress company.
24. I invested my life savings in a company that makes swimming pool ladders – the stock went down the drain.
25. I wanted to diversify my portfolio so I invested in a scuba diving company – talk about going underwater!
26. I asked my broker if I should invest in artillery or pharmaceuticals – he said to hedge my bets.
27. I wanted to invest in coffee but my broker said the grounds were too volatile.
28. I invested early in velcro – what a rip-off!
29. I bought stock in an origami company, but their shares folded.
30. I invested in a company specializing in underwater ceramics, but their stock tanked.
31. I bought shares in an elevator company, but they let me down.
32. I invested in a calendar company; their days are numbered.
33. I bought stock in a chef’s hat company, but didn’t get a big return on my invest-ment.
34. I invested in a clock company, but the returns alarmed me.
35. My broker said to diversify, so I bought swimmers some scuba gear.
36. I bought stock in scissors, but their shares were cut short.
37. I invested in origami, but the whole thing folded.
38. I bought into a ladder company, but the stock kept rising rung by rung.
39. I invested in a bowling alley, but returns were right down the gutter.
40. I bought shares in ribbons, but their outlook was cut short.
Best Stock Market Jokes (20)
41. A fellow investor approached me looking distraught. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Did you take a loss in the market?” “No,” he replied. “My broker just told me my stocks are sinking like the Titanic!” I patted his back and said, “Well don’t worry, my friend. Even in the worst shipwrecks, the band plays on.”
42. I was feeling bullish about my investments, so I called my broker and said, “I think the market is going up! How high do you think it could go?” He responded, “Sky high.” I got excited and asked, “Really? Should I buy more shares then?” He calmly replied, “No, I meant the market could literally go sky high because the bubble is going to burst.”
43. A seasoned investor walked into a bar, ordered a martini and started boasting loudly about his savvy investments. “I’ve mastered the market. My portfolio is up 15% this quarter alone!” An eavesdropping man shoved him off his barstool and snatched his drink shouting, “This is a bull market!”
44. My friend was shaking with anxiety about his declining portfolio. “Don’t worry,” I assured him, “just hang in there. Even during the Great Depression people found ways to profit.” Looking at me incredulously he said, “Profit?! My stocks are worth less than a penny profit now!” I grinned and patted him on the back, “See? You’ve already found one.”
45. I asked my stockbroker, “What are your qualifications again?” He smugly replied, “I have a masters degree in finance from Wharton. I can predict market trends better than anyone.” I chuckled and said, “Apparently not well enough to foresee your future bankruptcy and repossessed yacht.”
46. A nervous investor asked his broker, “With all this market uncertainty, what would you recommend I invest in?” The broker thoughtfully responded, “Canned goods and shotguns.” The investor’s eyes went wide with alarm. Laughing, the broker clapped his back and said, “Just kidding. There’s no need for the shotguns…yet.”
47. An excited new investor approached me grinning ear to ear. “I just made my first stock purchase!” he exclaimed proudly. “Great,” I replied, “what company?” He beamed and said, “The local sperm bank! With the population growing, people are always going to need it. This investment can’t go wrong!” I just smiled politely and said, “Interesting choice. Just don’t get over-exposed.”
48. My friend was sweating bullets watching the market drop. “If it goes any lower all my stocks will be worthless!” he shrieked. Trying to calm him down I said, “Don’t panic, the market bounces back. Remember the old saying – even a dead cat will bounce if it falls from high enough.” He glared at me and snapped, “That doesn’t help! I’m allergic to cats!”
49. I asked my broker, “With the economy so unstable, what’s the safest investment right now?” He thought for a minute and said, “Parachutes. Because if the market totally crashes, Wall Street investors will be jumping out of windows.” I chuckled nervously, “You really think it could get that bad?” He raised his eyebrows and said, “My friend, I’m already pricing parachutes for myself.”
50. Three investors walk into a bar. The first one orders a single malt scotch and says, “A toast to my profitable year! Up 50%!” The second orders a martini saying, “I’m up 80% on the year!” The third investor just orders a water saying, “I’m celebrating too, I’m up 100% …but it’s only on my cholesterol medication.”
51. An investor was trying to decide where to invest his money. “What do you think is the safest bet right now?” he asked his broker. “Caskets” replied the broker. Shocked, the investor asked “Why caskets?” To which the broker shrugged and said “Death is always a sure thing.”
52. I told my broker, “I really want to strike it rich in the stock market this year.” He laughed and said, “Then you better invest in rice – at least you’ll have a grain of fortune.”
53. A nervous investor asked his broker, “Is my money safe with Bernie Madoff?” The broker somberly replied, “Safer than if you’d invested with a Serial killer.”
54. I told my stockbroker, “I need to lower my portfolio’s risk profile.” He said, “No problem, I’ll invest your money in helium. What goes up always comes down eventually.”
55. I asked my broker where I should invest my money. “Airlines,” he said. “With so many people terrified of COVID, airline stocks are sure to take off eventually.” Sounded smart, so I invested heavily. Then all flights got grounded indefinitely. Now my portfolio will never get off the ground.
56. A worried investor asked his broker, “With all this economic uncertainty, what should I invest in that’s guaranteed to succeed?” The broker thought for a moment and said, “A lottery ticket.”
57. I told my broker, “I’m super bullish on America’s future.” He warned, “Don’t get too optimistic. Overconfidence is what causes markets to crash.” I replied, “Don’t worry, I have unshakeable faith in capitalism’s inevitable success!” He just sighed and said, “Well, it’s your funeral.”
58. I asked my broker, “What’s the most secure investment right now?” He said, “Doomsday bunkers.” I laughed, thinking he was joking. But he just raised his eyebrows and said, “You won’t be laughing when the apocalypse comes and I’m safely tucked away underground with all my money.”
59. A nervous investor asked, “With the economy so unstable, what’s the safest place I can put my money?” His broker grimly replied, “Under your mattress. At least you’ll know exactly where it is when this bubble bursts.”
60. An excited investor ran up to his broker shouting, “I’ve found the perfect stock to invest in!” The broker asked, “What is it?” Beaming, the investor replied, “A telescope company! The sky’s the limit on their future earnings potential!” The broker just frowned and muttered, “You’re gazing a little too far beyond the horizon on that one.”
