St Patrick’s Day Puns (15)
1. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his drinking? Paddy O’Moderation.
2. Why don’t people in Ireland ever starve? Because the only time they don’t eat is when they’re Dublin over with laughter!
3. Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn’t afford plane tickets.
4. What do you call it when an Irishman bounces back and forth between two pubs? Dublin!
5. How is a lost Irishman like a bargain shopper? They’re both Dublin down the wrong aisle.
6. Did you hear about Ireland’s worst rodeo rider? He Dublin before he could finish the ride!
7. Why don’t Irishmen ever think about the future? They prefer to live in the now and again.
8. How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman in basketball with no tricks or magic? He was just a little Sham-rocker.
9. Why do leprechauns make terrible singers? They’re always a little off- Dublin key!
10. How does every Irish joke start? With a wee bit of Blarney!
11. What happens when you try to steal from a leprechaun? You get pinched!
12. Why do leprechauns love St. Patrick’s Day so much? It makes them feel lucky and charmed!
13. What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk!
14. Why do bagpipers walk as they play? To get away from the noise!
15. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe!
St Patrick’s Day One-Liners (15)
16. I asked an Irish friend if he’d be celebrating St Paddy’s day. He said, “I’m not Patty, and my name’s not St!”
17. For St. Patrick’s Day I tried to make everything green, even the potatoes! Too bad they spoiled…
18. I once knew an Irish guy who really hated bodybuilders. He was always Dublin them up.
19. Did you hear about the Irishman who tried to grow grapes? The wine came out a little sour.
20. How can you tell if an Irishman is declining dessert? He’s Dublin over with laughter and clutching his stomach.
21. I once asked an Irish friend how much peat to put on the fire. He said, “Enough to make it Dublin nicely!”
22. Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in Dublin? De brie everywhere!
23. Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their chili? Because one more would be too farty.
24. Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short.
25. How did the Irish Jig get started? Too much Riverdancing!
26. Ireland got its name after losing a drinking game with Iceland and Greenland.
27. What’s Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O’Furniture!
28. How did the Irishman try to attract a mate? He thought the scent of shamrock might do the trick.
29. Why are Irish jokes so simple? So the English can understand them too!
30. An Irishman walks out of a bar. It could happen!
Best St Patrick’s Day Jokes (20)
31. Paddy was driving down the street when he saw a car parked with a note on it that said “Parking Fine.” So Paddy wrote another note that said “Okay, parking fine.”
32. An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “What’ll you have?” The man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him three pints. The man drinks them all, pays, and leaves. The next night the same man comes in and orders the same thing. The bartender brings him three pints and the man drinks them down. This happens night after night. Finally the bartender asks the man, “Why do you always order three pints?” The man replies, “Oh, I have two brothers, one in America and one in Australia. When we all go to our local pubs, we order an extra two pints as a way of keeping up the family bond.” The bartender thinks this is a wonderful tradition. A few weeks later the man comes in and orders just two pints. The bartender feels that something is wrong. “What happened to your brother in Australia?” the bartender asks. The Irishman replies, “Oh, he’s fine. I just quit drinking.”
33. An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub one day discussing how to tell if their wives were dead or just unconscious. The Englishman said “Well I play cricket with the wife. If she doesn’t move while I bowl a googly she’s dead.” The Scotsman said “I make love to my wife. If she doesn’t move during, she’s dead.” The Irishman said “Well I sit about 20 feet from my wife and throw plates and pots at the wall, like I’m throwing them at her. If she doesn’t move, she’s dead.”
34. One day Mrs. O’Leary called her doctor because her husband had swallowed a mouse. The doctor calmed her down and said he’d come right over. When the doctor arrived he looked at Mr. O’Leary and said “Now show me exactly where the mouse is.” Mr. O’Leary answered “I think he went down here, down me gullet like.” The doctor said “Fine, I’ll look around and see if I can find him.” After several minutes the doctor still hadn’t found the mouse. He said “I’m giving him one more chance to come out, then I’ll have to operate.” The doctor grabbed his bag and took out a picture of his wife, showed it to Mr. O’Leary and said “Mr. O’Leary, this is a picture of my wife. Have you ever seen a woman as beautiful as her?” And Mr. O’Leary said “That’s the one! I spit him out five minutes ago!”
35. An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
36. A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why, of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks, “So, where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds, “You don’t say. I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?” “Dublin,” comes the reply. “I can’t believe it, me too! Lets have another drink to Dublin.” “Of course.” Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you attend?” “Saint Mary’s.” replies the second man, “I graduated in ’62.” “This is unbelievable! I went to Saint Mary’s and graduated in ’62 too!” About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”
37. Three Irishmen walk out of a bar. You’d think one of them would have seen it.
38. Dying Irishman Kieran calls his son Shane to his bedside, “Shane, come ‘ere.” He says in a low voice. Shane leans in close to hear his father. “Listen and listen close. I have $140,000 in cash buried in the back yard.” Shane’s eyes widen at the mention of a small fortune in cash. “$140,000 in the back yard?!?” He asks incredulously. Kieran nods affirmation, then says, “But Shane, you’ll have to dig for it.” Shane rushes outside and begins tearing up the back yard. After several hours he comes back inside, walks into his father’s room and says, “Da! I dug up the whole back yard and didn’t find any money!” Kieran weakly turns his head toward his son and whispers, “I know you didn’t, boy. Now you can plant the potatoes.”
39. Brendan O’Connor was at school when the teacher asked “Can anyone tell me what the literate population of Ireland is?” Brendan threw up his hand and said “At least half of them can read and write.”
40. Two Irishmen were walking down the street and one noticed a mirror by the side of the road. Looking in it, he saw his reflection and was astonished. He said to his friend “I had no idea my hair was turning gray.” His friend responded “Why would you? You’ve never looked in a mirror before.”
41. Paddy and Mick landed themselves a job at a meat processing plant. After a couple of hours, Mick shouts to Paddy “Paddy! I think I got a bit creative here, will ya check out tha sausage I made?” Paddy gives it a good look and says to Mick, “By Jove Mick, good on ya. I’m not sure I’d be eating one meself!”
42. Paddy walks into an American restaurant and orders a bowl of chili. The waitress asks “Would you like it mild, medium, or burn the roof of your mouth off?” Paddy replies “I’ll have it medium. I’ve got work to do later.”
43. Paddy and Seamus are enjoying a ride through the countryside in Seamus’s new car. After a while, Paddy notices something flapping out of the car window. “What’s this thing flapping out the window, Seamus?” Paddy asks. “Oh that there’s just a piece o’ ribbing that’s come loose,” replies Seamus. “Ribbing my foot!” says Paddy. “Pull into the next pub – I need another pint!”
44. Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says “I tink I will ‘ave to go home, I’ve come all over giddy and feel sick.” Murphy asks “Ave yer got vertigo?” Paddy replies “No I only live round the corner.”
45. An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
“Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mum thru?”
The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.”
“Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”
“What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.
Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!.”
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
46. An inspector from Dublin is visiting an Irish farm. He asks the farmer “If you had one hundred sheep, and one of them wandered off, would you leave the ninety-nine to go look for the one that wandered?” The farmer replied “No I wouldn’t. I’d be glad to be rid of the stupid thing.”
47. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The officer smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “No sir, I haven’t.” The officer replies, “But what about the wine bottle?” The priest looks at it and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
48. Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor creature?” Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature.” Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?” Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?”
49. An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, “Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!”
50. “O’Malley,” asked Father Murphy, “and what do you want to be when you grow up?” “I want to be a priest!” young O’Malley replied without hesitation. “And when you become a priest, what next?” asked Father Murphy. “Oh, I suppose after that I’d be made a bishop.” replied O’Malley. “And then?” asked Father Murphy. “Well, let’s see. Bishop of Galway! Archbishop of Tuam! And then – Cardinal O’Malley!” “And what comes after Cardinal?” Father Murphy wanted to know. And O’Malley said, “Silver bullets from the British guns!”