Sports Puns
1. I used to do archery but I got bored and quit. The whole thing felt pointless.
2. The baseball player was struggling to improve his batting average. He needed to get a hit.
3. The football coach told his players to take a lap and then hit the showers. They proceeded to jog around the field and punch the locker room.
4. The boxer decided to switch sports and become a hockey player instead. He wanted to get out of the ring and onto the rink.
5. I asked the basketball player how the game went. He said his team got dunked on.
6. The soccer player was struggling to improve his accuracy with penalty kicks. He needed to work on his goal tending skills.
7. I tried to make the relay team but tripped during tryouts and dropped the baton. It was a major hurdle.
8. The tennis player kept double faulting and losing points. He desperately needed a second serve.
9. The quarterback loves eating hot dogs on the sidelines during games. You could say he’s a big fan of concession stands.
10. The figure skater was disappointed with her performance. She just couldn’t get her axel in gear.
11. The gymnast landed awkwardly during her floor routine. She made a grave mis-tumble.
12. The golfer has a hard time seeing the green from the tee. He really needs to work on his long-tee vision.
Sports One-Liners
13. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
14. When you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Except when you’re a basketball player, then everything looks like a hoop.
15. If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
16. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
17. Always borrow money from a pessimist. They won’t expect it back.
18. I’m great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
19. I named my dog “5 miles” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
20. Money talks. Mine always says is “Goodbye.”
21. My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her. I said maybe…
22. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. It’s hard to put down.
Best Sports Jokes
23. A football coach walked into the locker room before a game and noticed one of his star players putting golf balls into his helmet. “Why are you doing that?” the coach asked. “You see coach,” the player replied, “when I get hit really hard on the head during the game, it won’t hurt as much.” The coach just shrugged and left him to it.
During the game, the player took a huge hit and fell down on the field. The trainer rushed over and asked him, “How many fingers am I holding up?” The player responded, “I don’t know, all I can see is golf balls.”
24. A reporter was interviewing a marathon runner after he won a big race. “My goodness, you ran 26.2 miles in just under 2 hours. Do you think you can ever top that?” the reporter asked. “No way,” said the runner. “I’m completely exhausted.” Just then, another runner crossed the finish line behind them. “Oh wait, maybe I spoke too soon,” said the marathon winner.
25. Tom was excited for his first skydiving lesson. At the airfield, the instructor explained all the steps thoroughly – how to strap on the parachute, when to pull the ripcord, and how to properly land. After making sure Tom understood everything, the instructor said, “Any questions?” Tom replied, “Just one. How much do clothes cost at the gift shop?”
26. A hockey player, baseball player, and golfer were stranded on a deserted island. One day, they found a magic lamp. After some discussion, they decided to rub it and see what happens. A genie popped out and said “Thank you for freeing me! In return, I’ll grant each of you one wish.”
The hockey player went first and wished to be back home with his family. The genie granted his wish and poof – the hockey player was gone. The baseball player went next and also wished to return home. Poof – the baseball player vanished too.
Finally, it was the golfer’s turn. The genie asked “What is your wish?” The golfer replied, “It’s kinda lonely here now. I just wish my friends were back with me.”
27. Tom was an avid basketball fan whose dream was to play for the NBA. He spent hours each day practicing his shots and drills. After years of hard work, he finally earned a coveted walk-on tryout with the Chicago Bulls. The day came and Tom arrived early, dressed in his best basketball gear. The tryout went horribly – Tom’s nerves got the best of him and he missed every shot. Afterwards, the Bulls coach pulled Tom aside and said “Look kid, I appreciate you following your dream, but you’re just not cut out to go pro.” Heartbroken, Tom went home and started thinking about how else he could be involved with basketball. He went back to the Bulls office the next day and applied for a job. The secretary said “We don’t have any current openings, but I can offer you our lowest position – NBA analyst on ESPN.” Tom thought about it briefly and replied, “I’ll take it!”
28. Sue was practicing tennis serves one windy afternoon. She threw the ball up in the air and hit an absolute rocket. However, a huge gust of wind blew the ball back, and it smacked Sue right in the face, giving her a black eye. After a trip to the doctor confirmed she just needed to ice her injury, Sue headed to the pro shop to get some extra tennis balls. The shop owner saw her black eye and exclaimed, “Hey Sue! What happened to you?” Embarrassed, Sue replied “Oh just girl stuff.” The shop owner laughed and said, “I know what girl stuff is, and that’s not it! What really happened?” Sue sighed and admitted, “Ok, you got me. I was hit in the face by one of my own serves.” The shop owner grinned and said, “Yeah, I thought your backhand looked a little weak.”
29. Tom and John were avid fans and season ticket holders for the Denver Broncos. When the Broncos made it to the Super Bowl, Tom surprised John with two tickets for them to see the big game in person. They arrived at the stadium so excited, but when they got to their seats, they realized their tickets were for seats in the upper deck end zone. Still, they were at the Super Bowl! Then, just minutes before the kickoff, an employee approached and asked to see their tickets. After reviewing them he looked at Tom and John and said, “I’m really sorry but there’s been a mistake. These tickets are not for the upper deck – they are supposed to be for our luxury boxes. Please come with me.” In disbelief, the friends followed him up to the most exclusive area and were shown to a box with an indoor buffet, open bar, and perfect 50-yard line view of the field. As they helped themselves to food and drinks in their incredible seats, John turned to Tom and said “I cannot believe this! The only thing that could make this better is if the Broncos win it!” Tom smiled and replied, “I know, right?” Later that night, after one of the most exciting Super Bowls ever, the Broncos won by a last second field goal. On the drive home, John turned to Tom and said, “I still can’t believe you got us box seats and we got to see our team win it all. It was the most incredible day ever! How on earth did you score tickets for the luxury box!?” Tom just smiled and said, “Well….remember that time you said you’d do anything to go with me to a Super Bowl…?”
30. Bill absolutely loved football, so for his birthday he decided to buy tickets to the Super Bowl. He bought the tickets months in advance, paying a small fortune for seats near the 50-yard line. On the day of the big game, Bill was so excited he could hardly contain himself. He got to the stadium hours early to tailgate. Once inside, he realized his seats were as amazing as promised – right along the sideline with a perfect view. The first half of the game flew by as Bill cheered and high-fived the people around him. During halftime, an official approached and asked to see Bill’s ticket. Bill showed it to him, filled with dread that something was wrong. The official looked at the ticket carefully, then back up at Bill. “I’m afraid there’s been a mistake sir. This ticket is not supposed to be for a seat here.” Bill’s heart sank and he started explaining how he paid so much for that ticket and how he would do anything to stay. The official calmly put up his hand and said “That won’t be necessary sir. This ticket shouldn’t be for a sideline seat…” then he broke into a huge grin “…It’s actually supposed to be for one of the luxury boxes. If you’ll please follow me, I’d be happy to get you to your real seat.” Bill jumped up, gave the official a huge bear hug, and followed him to the private luxury box, where he watched the second half in style. It ended up being the most amazing Super Bowl experience ever.
Sports Puns
31. The rowing team practiced hard but struggled to improve. They just couldn’t seem to get stroking faster.
32. The NASCAR driver had his trophies proudly on display. You could say he was really good at auto showboating.
33. The gymnast was struggling on the balance beam. She just couldn’t get her flips together.
34. The basketball player did not study for his geography test. He was worried he would end up drawing Blanks on the map.
35. The wrestler’s technique was lacking in his first match. He quickly found himself pinned down.
36. The diver hoped to earn a perfect 10 with her pike somersault. She knew it all came down to nailing the execution.
37. The ping pong player never lost his calm during matches. You could say he had lots of poise with the paddle.
38. The quarterback told the coach he was struggling with the blitzing defenses. The coach said they would analyze the film and try some new blocking schemes.
39. The chess player was worried his opponent would open with the Ruy Lopez. He decided to brace himself for some intense Spanishing.
40. The swimmer failed to qualify for the finals by milliseconds. It was a crushing photo finish.
Sports One-Liners
41. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
42. I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
43. Velcro – what a rip off!
44. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
45. My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
46. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
47. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
48. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
49. Two towels get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
50. Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.
Best Sports Jokes
51. A doctor, lawyer, and NFL player were waiting in line to get into a very exclusive night club. The bouncer told them the club was full and no one else would be admitted that night.
The doctor told the bouncer he was the on-call physician for the club, and he *had* to go in. The bouncer let him through.
The lawyer stepped forward and threatened to sue the club if the bouncer did not let him in immediately. Intimidated by the lawyer, the bouncer let him pass.
The NFL player simply handed the bouncer $500 and walked right in. The other two men were irritated to see him get in so easily after their elaborate efforts.
The NFL player noticed their discontent and told them: “Look, there are three ways of doing things – the right way, the wrong way, and the way that *I* just did!”
52. John’s favorite football team was playing in the championship game, and he managed to get tickets. Come game day, John is getting ready and realizes he can’t find his tickets anywhere. He searches frantically, looks under the couch cushions, checks his jeans from the day before – nothing. Defeated, he calls his friend Brad to tell him he won’t be able to go to the big game after all.
“Don’t panic yet,” Brad says, “We’ll figure something out.” He hangs up and calls John right back. “Okay, I can get you in, but you have to follow my instructions very closely.”
John agrees and listens carefully as Brad outlines the plan. The game starts in an hour, so John hurries to the stadium and walks up to the gate. The security guard asks to see his ticket. John calmly says, “Genesis 3:21.” The guard looks puzzled and replies, “Sir?” John repeats slower, “Genesis 3… Verse 21.” Still confused, the guard says “Hold on” and walks into his security booth, presumably to look up the verse. With the guard distracted, John hurries past the turnstile into the stadium. He finds Brad and sits down to enjoy the championship game.
“That was genius!” John says. “So what exactly is Genesis 3:21?” Brad smiles and says “It’s when God covers Adam and Eve with coats of skin.”
John rolls his eyes. “Ugh, a dad joke about football tickets, I should’ve known.” They both laugh and then turn to watch their team score their first touchdown.
53. Roger absolutely loved playing golf, even though he never seemed to improve. One weekend he managed to get on an exclusive course to play a round. He was paired with a stranger for the day. As they made their way through the course, Roger hit a tee shot that veered way off into the woods. He went to look for the ball and after a long search found not one ball, but two! Delighted at his luck, he tucked the second ball in his pocket and went back out to the fairway.
Roger’s playing partner chuckled and said “I saw that! Finding two balls and pocketing one, huh?” Roger grinned sheepishly and replied “Yeah, just a little bonus from the golf gods!” The man laughed heartily and said “The golf gods! I love it.”
A few more holes passed and sure enough, Roger hit another errant tee shot into the woods. He disappeared for several minutes to search and then emerged with a ball in hand, smiling to himself. The man looked at Roger with amusement. “Let me guess, you found a third ball and just had to pocket it?” Roger shook his head and held up the ball. “Nope, same one as before!”
54. John’s wife loved sports but John did not, so she had a hard time convincing him to go to games with her. One day she managed to get tickets to the biggest college football game of the year. She told John he *had* to go, and even convinced him to wear the colors of her alma mater.
They get to the stadium and find their seats. As the game starts, she is yelling and cheering while John just kind of sits there. He notices the man next to him seems to be an even bigger fan than his wife – standing the whole time, shouting loudly for his team.
Trying to get into the spirit, John weakly says “Go…..team.” The man looks baffled and says “What? You gotta stand up and cheer!” and pulls John up to his feet. John halfheartedly claps and says “Yay team.” The man says “No, like this – LET’S GO BLUE!” John says quietly “Let’s go blue.” This continues with the man modeling cheers for John’s wife’s team and John joining in softly each time.
Finally, the man looks John directly in the eyes and says forcefully “Come on buddy, cheer for your team!” John looks down at his shirt and replies “Actually, I don’t even care who wins. I’m just here with my wife.”
55. Tom had worked his whole life to finally earn a spot in the next Summer Olympics as a sprinter. He trained tirelessly and finally the day came. He was at the Games, waiting for the 100m dash – his event. The race began and Tom took off, running faster than he ever had before. As he approached the finish line, he tripped and face-planted directly into the track. The
