Politics Puns
1. I tried to organize a political party once but nobody showed up. It was a complete debacle.
2. I was going to tell a joke about elections, but I didn’t want to rig the results.
3. The politician was asked what he thought about term limits. He said he would give his two senators about the issue.
4. The politician’s resume was extremely padded. He really exaggerated his accomplishments. I guess he thought nobody would vet his claims.
5. The politician was known for always filibustering. People said he just liked to hear himself talk.
6. The politician started sweating during the debate. I guess the pressure was getting to be too much for him under the hot lights.
7. The politician was trying to improve his likability before the upcoming election. His advisers told him to kiss more babies.
8. The politician was asked if he would run again next term. He said, “I plea the fifth on that question.”
9. I got bored during the lengthy filibuster so I decided to exit poll the room.
10. The politician was asked about his plans for the budget surplus. He said he would cross that bridge when he came to it.
11. The politician was known for always playing politics. His opponents said he would flip-flop on any issue.
12. The politician was trying to appeal to the agricutural vote during his campaign. He kept saying he wanted to thresh out the issues with voters.
Politics One-Liners
13. I asked my friend who works in politics if he stole any pens from the office. He said, “Just one – but it was a big coup!”
14. I was going to tell a joke about politicians being honest but nobody would believe it.
15. Why did the politician cross the road? To get to the other side he was currently aligned with.
16. What do you call a thousand politicians at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
17. How can you tell when a politician is lying? Their lips are moving.
18. How do you keep a politician from drowning? Take your foot off their head.
19. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
20. Politicians and diapers need to be changed often, and for the same reason.
21. What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
22. A politician is someone who divides the people and unites their votes.
Best Political Jokes
23. A senator walks into his campaign manager’s office and says “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I’m up 15 points in the polls!”
“That’s fantastic,” says the campaign manager. “What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news,” replies the senator, “is that I’m down 30 points in the real polls.”
24. At a local bar association meeting, an eminent lawyer got up and spoke. “In the last election, I voted for the Socialist party. But in the next election I’ll vote Republican.”
Everybody in the audience was shocked. Then he continued, “Yes, I’ll vote Republican. Then it won’t matter who wins!”
25. One day a professor was giving a big test to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. The student got back his test and $64 change.
26. A senator was out on the road campaigning when his car had a flat tire outside a farm. The senator walked to the farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could borrow his truck to go into town for a new tire.
The farmer agreed but told the senator he couldn’t take any of his farmhands with him. A short while later, the farmer saw his truck speeding down the road on its way into town. It was loaded full of people.
The angry farmer called the senator’s office and told his aide, “I told him he could borrow my truck but he couldn’t take any of my farmhands with him. He just drove off down the road with a truckload of people!”
The aide apologized and said, “Don’t worry, those weren’t farmhands. Those were just people he picked up in town!”
27. A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display, he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner.
“That seems hardly worth it,” says the tourist.
The owner explains, “Ah, but this rat is rather special. In fact, if you buy this rat, you can just go out back into the alley and say the name ‘Congress’, and it will come to life and run free.”
The tourist is incredulous but intrigued and buys the rat anyway, thinking he’s likely been scammed but it’s not a large amount of money to find out for sure. He heads out to the alley behind the shop and says to the rat, “Congress!” But nothing happens. The rat just sits there.
Disgruntled at being conned, the tourist stops at the front of the shop on his way out and says to the shop owner, “Hey, this rat doesn’t work! I said ‘Congress’ to it and nothing happened!”
The owner smiles widely and responds, “Ah, but you don’t say it to the rat. You say it to the alley.”
28. One day, all the members of Congress in the US were flying on a plane when it crashed. They all died and went to heaven.
God met them and said “I want to thank you for your public service. I’m going to fulfill any wish you have in heaven.”
The pilot went first and said “I just enjoyed flying. I wish I had my own private jet to fly anyone anywhere.” And it was granted immediately.
Then a Congressman said “I wish I had my own beach house.” And it was granted. Another said “I want my own casino” and it appeared.
This went on and on with infinite wishes until it was a junior Congressman’s turn. He said “It looks great here in heaven. I’m so happy. But I really miss my constituents. I wish they were all here in heaven with me.”
And so it was.
29. A Russian, an American, and a politician were talking one day.
The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The politician said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian said, “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!”
To which the politician responded, “We’re not that stupid. We’re going at night!”
30. A political advisor was preparing a candidate for a debate by asking him rapid-fire questions and telling him how to respond.
“Senator, if you are asked about the rising crime rate, you should respond that we need to fund more police training and hire more officers to keep our streets safe,” said the advisor.
The candidate nodded along in agreement.
“And if you are asked about the state of the economy, you should emphasize the need for more fiscal restraint and deficit reduction to encourage growth,” the advisor continued.
“Okay, that makes sense,” said the candidate.
“Now for healthcare, if it comes up, say that we must protect coverage for pre-existing conditions while allowing more choices through the private marketplace.”
The candidate furrowed his brow. “But wait, aren’t those contradictory positions?”
The advisor smiled and patted him on the shoulder. “You’re catching on fast!”