Pay Raise Puns
1. I asked my boss for a pay raise, but he said he would have to look into his couch for some spare change first.
2. I told my boss I deserved a raise, but he said I should quit complaining and just be grapeful I have a job.
3. My boss said he would give me a raise if I worked extra hard. I’ve been so focused on getting that extra dough that I knead to take a break!
4. I asked my boss for a raise and he told me to weigh the pros and cons first. I told him the only con is how little I’m making!
5. I told my boss we deserve a raise for all the hard work we’ve done. He said he would cheddar best to make it happen.
6. I asked my boss for a raise and he said times are tight. I told him, “Sir, my budget is so tight, it squeaks!”
7. I told my boss we’re so underpaid that we can barely make ends meet. He suggested I learn how to make enchiladas instead.
8. I asked my boss for a raise and he laughed so hard he nearly split his sides! I said, “With our pay, we definitely can’t afford steak dinners!”
9. I told my boss I really kneaded a raise. He asked if I could prove I deserved some extra dough. I told him, “Just look at my track record, I’ve been on a roll!”
10. I asked my boss for a raise and he said times are hard, so I told him, “Sorry sir, but working here and making so little dough has really been a pizza work!”
Pay Raise One-Liners
11. I asked my boss for a raise and he told me to “stay positive” …so I positive I ain’t working here no more!
12. Boss: “Why do you deserve a raise?” Me: “I don’t, I need one to pay my bills!”
13. A raise I requested, more money I expect!
14. I told my boss I needed a raise. They said they would look into it. But I know they only have eyes for me!
15. Boss: “Why do you need a raise?” Me: “Inflation.” Boss: “Not a good enough reason.” Me: “Did I say need? I meant deserve.”
16. I asked for a raise and my boss said he’d think about it. But so far he hasn’t lifted a brain cell!
17. I told my boss I needed a raise to deal with my expenses. He suggested I get rid of the expensive ones!
18. I asked for a raise and my boss told me to “shoot for the moon!” So I shot him there.
19. I told my boss I deserved a raise and he said, “In your dreams!” I said, “No, in my bank account!”
20. Asked the boss for a raise, he said he’d add more responsibilities to my job description instead. So I subtracted myself from the company.
Best Pay Raise Jokes
21. I asked my boss for a pay raise, but he turned me down saying the office couldn’t afford it. So I stole his chair and told him, “Well now you can afford that raise since you don’t have to pay for this expensive chair anymore!”
22. I printed out fake workplace news to show my boss saying everyone was getting raises and bonuses except our department. When he confronted his boss, he was so embarrassed he gave us all raises!
23. I threatened to quit unless I got a raise, so my boss paid me more to stay. What he didn’t know was that I created a fake job offer letter to use as leverage!
24. I pretended to have another job offer and told my boss I was going to take it unless I got a big raise. He offered me a 50% increase on the spot! Too bad I don’t actually have another offer yet.
25. I got a second job working nights under a fake name and told my boss I was exhausted from working two jobs. He didn’t want to lose me, so he gave me a huge raise! Now I get to quit my night job.
26. I made a PowerPoint showing how underpaid I was compared to employees at other companies with the same experience and title. My boss tried to argue but couldn’t refute the data! I got my raise.
27. I knew my boss’s password from when IT set up my computer. I logged into his email and sent myself a fake message from HR saying I was getting a raise for excellent performance. When I confronted my boss, he had no choice but to make it happen!
28. I set up a fake email account for a competing company and emailed my boss pretending to recruit me with a big salary offer. He couldn’t match the number but gave me the largest raise he could!
29. I had my wife dress professionally and pretend to be a headhunter. She called my boss and raved about me as a candidate she placed elsewhere for big money. My boss countered with a better offer and finally gave me a raise!
30. I pretended an old college buddy worked in payroll. I had him forge a memo announcing my new higher salary. On pay day, I made a scene when my direct deposit was short, and my boss scrambled to make the fake memo a reality!
31. I hacked the payroll system and gave myself a raise. I even changed previous pay stubs to cover my tracks. My boss was so confused he just accepted reality and adjusted my salary permanently.
32. I threatened to give all our clients to a competitor for a finder’s fee unless my boss gave me a big raise. He called my bluff but was shocked when I followed through! He finally caved when his profits tanked the next quarter.
33. I pretended I got called for an interview with our biggest rival. I made fake appointment emails and booked a fake flight and hotel. When my boss found out, he offered me a huge raise not to go! Little did he know it was all made up.
34. I lied that another company was offering me a big raise and perks if I switched jobs. My boss struggled to match the fake offer. A month later, I “decided” to stay with my current employer. Raise achieved!
35. I pretended to get headhunted on LinkedIn for a big promotion and pay increase at another company. I even used a friend’s account to fake being the recruiter. My boss one-upped the offer to keep me!
36. I made a fake job ad with a massive salary for my exact position at a made up company. I left it “accidentally” open on my computer when my boss walked by. He immediately started a conversation about getting me a raise!
37. I had my roommate pretend to interview me for a cool made up job with a huge salary. My boss overheard me on the phone and folded like a cheap suit when I asked for a better offer to stay!
38. I got a sharp new haircut and some slick new clothes. When my boss commented that I was looking good, I hinted that it was because of an exciting new opportunity. She offered me a raise that day!
39. I bought myself flowers and balloons and had them secretly delivered to my desk. The card read “Can’t wait to have you on our team!” My boss assumed it was from a new job and gave me a raise to stay!
40. I faked a web page for a startup with an amazing culture and benefits offering me a job. I told my boss I was considering jumping ship. He quickly offered me a raise to stay without even checking if the company was real!
41. I pretended I was staying late working on a presentation for an interview with our competitor. My boss got nervous and convinced me to stay by offering a big raise. The joke was on him – I didn’t have an interview!
42. I made a fake email offering me a job and forwarded it to my personal account from my work email so it looked real. My boss saw it and offered me a raise immediately to get me to stay! Hook, line and sinker.
43. I had a friend call me about a fake job offer right when my boss was nearby. She heard me talking numbers and perks, and pulled me into her office for a bigger raise so I wouldn’t leave!
44. I set up a fake interview halfway across the country and took a Friday off work for “travel.” My boss was so worried I was leaving that she offered me a big raise on Monday to stay!
45. I made a fake job offer letter from a dream company with a massive salary on their letterhead. I left it on the printer “accidentally” and got an even better offer from my boss by Monday!
46. I pretended I was moonlighting for a competitor, working nights and weekends for extra money. My boss got so paranoid I was helping them that he gave me a huge raise to quit them (and I didn’t even have another job)!
47. I pretended I won the lottery and was going to retire early. My boss countered with a gigantic raise and promotion to convince me to keep working! Now I’m making bank and I never even bought a ticket.
48. I threatened to go work for our biggest client for a massive salary. My boss knew they depended on my work, so he matched the made up offer to keep me around. I didn’t even have to fake an interview!
49. I made a fake screenshot of a super high salary offer from a competitor recruiter on LinkedIn. I told my boss I was strongly considering it. He panicked and preemptively gave me an even bigger raise!
50. I pretended I was headhunted by our biggest rival with an offer letter for double my salary. I told my boss I was on the fence, so he increased my pay and gave me extra vacation to stay! And I never even talked to the rival company!
