Pants Puns
1. I tried to sew a hole in my pants, but it just went in one cuff and out the other.
2. My friend got mad when I pranked him by sewing his pant legs together. I guess he didn’t appreciate that seam humor.
3. I was feeling down so I bought some uplifting pants. They really give my spirits a boost!
4. I spilled coffee on my white pants this morning. Now they’re stained for life.
5. I tried to sneak into the 40s themed party wearing skinny jeans. The bouncer said I wasn’t allowed because my pants were too time period inappropriate.
6. My wife is constantly altering my pants. I think she just can’t hem herself.
7. I bought tear-away pants but they ripped the first time I wore them. What a waist!
8. My friend got frustrated trying to fix his broken zipper and said he was at his wits’ end. I told him maybe he should try the other end of the zipper instead.
9. I went to return some ill-fitting pants today but the store had a no refund policy. I guess I’m just stuck with these bad slacks.
10. I was looking for a less restrictive pair of pants, but the salesperson recommended I just go with the flow.
Pants One-Liners
11. My pants fit like a glove…a boxing glove.
12. Wrap-around pants…for people too lazy to put both legs in!
13. Don’t worry about wearing your pants too high, according to fashion experts, floods are making a comeback.
14. I ordered tear-away pants on eBay but they ripped the first time I wore them – talk about money down the drain.
15. I spilled olive oil on my favorite white pants – now they’re extra virgin.
16. Free advice: never buy pants online without carefully checking the inseam measurement.
17. My friend swears his pants shrunk but I think he’s just in denile.
18. I asked the salesperson if these leather pants made my butt look big. She said, “Your butt makes your butt look big.”
19. I’m no seamstress but I have to admit, my homemade pants turned out pretty good for my first try!
20. No wonder my pants don’t fit, the label says they’re 98% lies.
Best Pants Jokes
21. I was out shopping for new pants when a pair with a French label caught my eye. I didn’t even try them on before buying them. I figured if they’re from France, they’re bound to make my derrière look magnifique!
22. My friend asked to borrow a pair of pants so I gave him my old pair with a hole in the knee. He returned them with two holes. When I asked what happened he shrugged and said, “Now we’re even.”
23. I was walking down the street when a gust of wind blew my pants clean off! Thankfully I was wearing underwear but it was still mortifying trying to run after them with my pants around my ankles. Now I always wear suspenders too.
24. Yesterday my wife was mad when I came home with a big hole ripped in my new pants. In my defense, I told her I couldn’t help that I got my pants caught on a branch while chasing a squirrel in the park. For some reason she didn’t accept this explanation.
25. I was running late for an important interview so I decided to do a quick iron job on my pants. Let’s just say it didn’t go well – I accidentally left the iron sitting in one spot for too long. When I showed up with a big burn mark on my pants, needless to say I didn’t get the job.
26. My best friend ripped his pants right before he was supposed to give a big speech. With no time to change, he just owned it. He walked up to the podium and opened with “Well, at least this speech will be unforgettable now!” People were laughing so hard they nearly missed the actual speech.
27. One time I spilled bright red juice all over my khaki pants right before a date. Since I didn’t have time to change, I just pretended I was really into fashion and rocked those red-stained pants with confidence. When my date asked about my bold color choice, I looked him dead in the eyes and said “it’s called style, look it up.”
28. My sister forgot to check the pockets before doing laundry and accidentally washed a red crayon with my dad’s tan pants. Let’s just say even bleach couldn’t fix those pinkish, crayon-stained slacks. My dad tried to play it off but he definitely got some odd looks at work the next week.
29. In college, my roommate got back at me for eating the last pizza roll by shortening all my pants by a few inches. Let’s just say it was an uncomfortable week wearing high waters everywhere until I finally broke down and bought new pants. Lesson learned: don’t mess with the pizza rolls.
30. One time a bee flew right into my pants while I was hiking. I immediately started frantically dancing around and swatting at my legs while yelling. Nearby hikers looked at me like I was insane until I finally explained about the bee in my pants. We all had a good laugh after the fact but man, was that bee angry!
31. During a job interview, my stomach started gurgling right as I was making my closing remarks. I tried to subtly lean over to relieve the pressure but ended up accidentally ripping a huge hole in the seat of my pants instead! The sound was deafening in the quiet room. Needless to say, I didn’t end up getting that job but the story has provided entertainment at parties for years.
32. Last summer my friend was hiking in khaki pants when he sat down on an enormous fire ant mound. Those ants swarmed all over him and he ended up stripping off his pants and shoes right there and jumping in the lake! We laughed about it later but I felt so bad for him at the time. He definitely learned his lesson about checking for mounds first!
33. In high school I was running late and decided to try ironing my own pants for the first time. Turns out it’s a lot harder than it looks. One wrong move and I accidentally ironed a huge crease right across the front of my pants. I showed up to school looking like I had a cardboard box in my pants. So embarrassing!
34. During a job interview, I was so nervous that I spilled coffee all down my light gray pants. There was no time to change so I just pretended it was an intentional pattern. When the interviewer asked about it, I confidently said “Oh yes, it’s the latest trend in Milan, very bold.” I didn’t get the job but that little lie was almost worth the embarrassment!
35. In middle school, some girls dared me to run across the cafeteria in my underwear. Peer pressure got the best of me and I started taking off my pants before really thinking it through. Thankfully a teacher intervened before I went through with it but just undoing my belt was humiliating enough!
36. I was on a crowded subway when someone’s backpack caught on my belt loop, unbuttoning and unzipping my pants in one quick motion. Before I could react, my pants dropped and I was standing there in just my frog-patterned boxers. Talk about an awkward subway ride trying to keep my pants up after that!
37. During a big client meeting, I leaned back in my chair and heard a ripping sound. My pants had split right up the back! I had to walk all the way back to my office clutching my jacket around me while trying to hold the pants together. And that’s how “Casual Friday” came to an end at our office.
38. While camping, I got up to pee in the middle of the night and must have stumbled into a cactus patch. I ended up with hundreds of tiny barbed spines stuck all over my legs and in my pants. Trying to pluck those out was worse than any hangover – especially the ones that got lodged in awkward places!
39. In college, we snuck into the dining hall wearing only oversized hoodies and sweatpants so we could take food back to our room. When the manager busted us, we made a run for it but my sweatpants immediately fell down to my ankles and I face-planted right there in front of everyone. Busted indeed!
40. One day in high school drama class we were playing improv games. When it was my turn, a friend dared me to play out a scene while pretending my pants were imaginary. I really committed to the bit and ended up wandering aimlessly around the classroom for a full minute, holding my “pants” up and arguing with myself. Everyone cracked up but the teacher was not impressed with my improv skills.
41. When I was a kid, I loved chewing bubble gum. One day I stuffed a huge wad in my pocket before church and then forgot about it. When I put my hands in my pockets during the service, they got covered in sticky gum. And that’s how I ended up accidentally gluing my pockets shut right before potluck lunch. Trying to eat chicken and pasta one-handed was quite the challenge!
42. In college, we convinced our shy friend to skinny dip as a dare. When he stripped down, he accidentally flung his pants into the lake! He was so embarrassed that he just ran back to the dorm naked rather than retrieve them. We cracked up about it later but I felt bad – he never did find those pants again.
43. Last summer at the county fair, my little brother really wanted to go on the gravity-defying Octopus ride but he was right at the height minimum. The carnie let him sneak on but warned him to hold onto his pants. Sure enough, the first loop sent his jeans flying! He had to ride the rest of the Octopus in just his tighty-whities.
44. In high school I wore baggy skater pants with a wallet chain for a while. Once while walking up a crowded stairwell, my chain got caught on the railing and my pants got yanked down to my ankles. I face-planted and ended up stuck on the landing with my pants around my feet until a crowd of laughing onlookers helped me up.
45. Last month, I wore a brand new silk shirt on a first date and spilled marinara sauce all over myself at dinner. I desperately tried to scrub it out in the restroom using hand soap and paper towels but just made it worse. I ended up having to walk out shirtless with my stained shirt tied around my waist because I had no other options. Safe to say there was no second date.
46. Over the summer I was hiking and paused to splash some cool creek water on my face. When I stood back up, my belt loop caught on a branch and my pants got completely ripped off! I had to do the “walk of shame” nearly a mile back to the trail-head holding my shredded pants up while being eaten alive by mosquitoes.
47. I was running late to work when I got my belt loop caught on the corner of my dresser, which yanked my pants down to my ankles. In my rush I tried to step out of them but tripped, stumbling halfway down the stairs with my pants still around my feet! I got quite a few bruises that day but at least I made it to work on time.
48. When I was a kid, I stuffed a frog down my pants before Sunday school to sneak it inside. In the middle of a prayer, the frog jumped and I screamed and leapt out of the pew swatting at my pants. Needless to say, the pastor was not pleased with the disruption. And I never did find that darn frog!
49. For a talent show in middle school, I decided to rap while wearing comically oversized pants I borrowed from my dad. I was really getting into it when suddenly my pants dropped right to the floor, leaving me mooning the entire audience in my tighty whities! At least my humiliation made everyone laugh.
50. I was on a first date when I noticed a hole forming in the crotch of my pants. I tried carefully covering it with my hands but ended up putting my elbow right in my date’s pasta. There was no hiding the hole or the giant marinara stain after that – most awkward date ever!
51. In college, I lost a bet and had to get dressed blindfolded. I ended up walking all over campus in two different shoes, mismatched socks, my shirt inside out and backwards, and my roommate’s pants. Let’s just say I got a lot of strange looks that day! But hey, a bet is a bet.