Paddy Murphy Puns
1. What do you call an Irishman who loves listening to dad jokes? Paddy Pundaddy!
2. Why don’t leprechauns ever share their gold with Paddy Murphy? They’re a little Gaelic.
3. What did Paddy say when he saw a field of 4-leaf clovers? This must be my lucky daley!
4. How does Paddy Murphy like his coffee? Irish I could have one right now!
5. Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? They’re always a little short.
6. What do you call an Irishman wearing ear muffs? Anything you want, he can’t hear you!
7. How do you know if an Irishman is having a good time? He’s Dublin over with laughter!
8. Why don’t Irishmen get coffee at the airport? It takes too long to pass customs!
9. What do Irishmen wear when it’s cold out? Sham-rock coats!
10. How do leprechauns communicate? With Irish sign language!
11. Why was the Irishman wearing two jackets when he went outside? He wanted to Dublin up!
12. Why couldn’t the leprechaun drive his car? He was too short to reach the steering wheel!
Paddy Murphy One-Liners
13. Paddy Murphy walks into a bar and orders a pint…that’s it, that’s the joke.
14. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his drinking? Paddy O’Moderation!
15. Paddy Murphy finally sobered up and has been dry for two months, or as he calls it, a wee drought.
16. Paddy was annoyed at his friend’s horrible potato puns, so he decided to give him the cold shoulder.
17. Contrary to popular belief, not all Irishmen spend St. Patrick’s Day completely smashed—some are only partially plastered.
18. Paddy loved Irish coffee so much, he had a mug that said “Kiss me—I’m Irish and full of whiskey!”
19. Q: Why did Paddy Murphy get kicked out of school? A: For having too many absences.
20. Paddy isn’t keen on talking about his drinking; whenever it’s brought up, he changes the whiskey subject.
21. Ironically, the only thing Paddy won’t drink on St. Patrick’s day is green beer.
22. Paddy walked into an Irish pub and yelled, “Drinks are on me!” and no one even looked up.
Best Paddy Murphy Jokes
23. Paddy was staggering home with a pint in his hand after a night of drinking. On his way, he paused and gazed sadly into the empty pint glass. “Ahh you were so beautiful, so golden, so full of promise,” he sighed. “What happened to us?”
24. Paddy loved playing practical jokes on his friends. One night at the pub, he bet his buddy Sean a pint of Guinness that he could bite his own eye. Sean eagerly took the bet, certain it was impossible. Paddy removed his glass eye, bit it, and grinned as Sean reluctantly paid up.
25. Paddy was pulled over by a policeman for swerving on the road. The cop approached his window asking, “Have you been drinking, sir?” Paddy replied “Thank God you’re here, officer! I’ve been driving for miles and my passengers won’t stop ordering drinks!”
26. Paddy had one too many whiskeys and was determined to prove to his friends he wasn’t that drunk. “Right lads, say there’s an elephant in the room…” he announced, expecting everyone to look for the imaginary elephant. His friend replied drily “Sorry Paddy, you’re too drunk to see the elephant.”
27. Paddy walked up to the counter in a liquor store and asked for 12 bottles of whiskey. “Sir, that’s a lot of whiskey for one person,” said the concerned clerk. Paddy smiled and assured him, “No worries—I have 11 friends coming over tonight!”
28. Paddy loved his whiskey, but one night his wife asked him to quit drinking for just 30 days as proof he could stay sober. He reluctantly agreed. A month later his wife awoke late at night to find Paddy drunk at the kitchen table. Furious, she demanded to know what happened to staying sober for 30 days. Paddy slurred “Today’s the 30th day!”
29. Paddy was absolutely plastered after a night at the pub when the bartender said, “Paddy, I think you’ve had one too many tonight. Would you like me to call you a cab?” Paddy replied “‘Shure, why not? Tonight I’m a golf ball!”
30. Paddy had a little too much to drink one night celebrating with friends. His wife Mary figured he’d had enough and stopped giving him more whiskey. Furious, Paddy went storming home and yelled “That’s it Mary, you’ve kept me from the drink long enough!” He went into the living room, came back with a glass of water and chugged it defiantly.
31. Paddy loved playing darts down at the pub but always lost miserably when drunk. One night, completely hammered, he insisted he could still win. Staggering to the dart board, he threw a perfect bullseye. Shocked, his friends asked how he did it. “Simple,” said Paddy, “I just kept my eyes on the board and threw the darts at the board!”
32. Paddy loved his mom’s home cooking, especially her delicious apple pie laced with Irish whiskey. One day, he asked for the recipe. “It’s easy,” she said, “Just steal some apples from the orchard down the road, and use a bottle of Jameson instead of water in the dough.” Paddy was shocked. “But ma, that’s stealing!” Her reply: “Well if you don’t want my advice, just make the pie yourself!”
33. Paddy was an avid golfer but always sliced his drives off into the woods thanks to his terrible swing. After another frustrating round, his golf buddy remarked “I don’t mean to interfere Paddy but have you ever tried holding the club with both hands?” Paddy replied drily “I’d love to but unfortunately I require one hand to hold my pint of Guinness.”
34. Paddy was pulled over by a cop who knocked on his window asking if he knew why he was stopped. “I’m guessing it’s because I weaved across the center line back there,” a red-faced Paddy admitted. “No actually,” replied the cop. “You were going 5 miles below the speed limit and your left blinker has been on for the last 3 miles, so I just wanted to check if everything was okay.”
35. Paddy decided to get his life together and joined an AA meeting. “The first step is admitting you’re powerless over alcohol,” the group leader prompted. “Well, I don’t know about powerless,” Paddy objected. “I can usually handle about five or six whiskeys before losing all control.”
36. Paddy woke up on the floor of a jail cell and saw two frightening inmates glaring at him. “W-Why am I in prison?” he stammered. One snarled “You’re in here because you killed someone while driving drunk last night.” Appalled, Paddy cried “Oh no! Was it a priest or a nun who I killed?” The second inmate chuckled and said “Nah, you just ran over some guy on a bicycle.” Paddy sighed in relief “Ah thank goodness, for a second I was afraid I’d killed someone important!”
37. Paddy’s wife was worried about his non-stop drinking and threatened to leave him if he didn’t quit. Paddy went a full month without liquor just to reassure her. Proudly he told her “See, I can stop any time I want!” She replied “Fine, now tell me you can stay stopped.” The next day Paddy was at the pub again.
38. Paddy staggered home after last call at the pub. He tiptoed as quietly as he could into bed beside his sleeping wife. Just as he settled in, she stirred awake and sniffed suspiciously. “Paddy Murphy, were you out drinking tonight?!” He pondered how to answer, then hilariously shot back “No dear…I’m just drunk!”
39. Paddy loved driving into Dublin on weekends to party with his buddies. One night they drank way too much and come sunrise, couldn’t figure out how to get home. Finally Paddy sighed “Let’s just get in the car and drive away from the rising sun. That way we’ll be driving west back home!”
40. Paddy got horribly lost driving through rural Irish countryside after a few too many pints. Spotting a farmer in a field, he pulled over to ask for directions. “Excuse me sir, can you tell me the way to Tipperary?” The farmer scratched his head. “Well, I don’t rightfully know. But if I were you, I wouldn’t start from here.”
41. Paddy was notorious for arriving drunk to morning Mass after Saturday night pub crawls. His priest finally confronted him about it and said “Paddy, you must make time for the Lord as well as for liquor and leisure.” Paddy smiled and said “Oh Father, but I do! Every night when I go to bed drunk, I ask the Good Lord to please let me wake up in time for Sunday Mass!”
42. Paddy had consumed far too many pints on his birthday when the bartender tried cutting him off. “Sorry Paddy, I’m afraid I can’t serve you any more alcohol tonight.” Paddy looked offended and cried “Well what am I supposed to do now? It’s my birthday!” The bartender suggested “Why don’t you try drinking water for the rest of the night?” Paddy shouted “Are you daft man?! I can’t drive home on water!”
43. Paddy loved playing golf but could never afford greens fees and equipment. One day he stumbled onto a huge yard sale and spotted a set of clubs, balls, and a putter for just 20 euros. Ecstatic about the bargain, he asked the owner “Why so cheap for a full set of quality clubs?” The man shrugged and said “They belonged to my late brother. He had a terrible drinking problem…only played one round of golf in his life before he was hit by a train.”
44. Paddy was pulled over swerving all over the road. When the cop approached his window, Paddy’s speech was slurred as he tried explaining himself. “Well you see officer, I’m on my way to a lecture about the evils of liquor and the dangers of drunk driving. I guess I had a couple pints for courage before attending.” The cop looked puzzled “And why would you need liquid courage to go to an anti-drinking lecture?” Paddy nodded knowingly “Ah, that’s exactly what I intend to ask the lecturer.”
45. Paddy’s drinking was even a problem even at work. After repeated warnings from his boss, he rolled in late and drunk yet again. Furious, his boss declared “You’re fired!” Paddy pleaded “Give me one more chance, I promise this will never happen again.” The boss reluctantly agreed. Sure enough, the next day Paddy was again completely wasted. His boss screamed “I thought you promised to come here sober!” Paddy nodded “And I kept my word…I was completely sober when I made that promise yesterday morning.”
46. Paddy loved vacationing in Spain, where he would often get silly drunk and chat up beautiful Spanish women despite barely speaking the language. One night, thoroughly wasted, he slurred “Me gustaria mucho tomarte a casa.” The woman blushed beet red and said “Dios mio, I cannot understand such bold words!” Paddy smiled and said “It’s okay, me neither, I’m just practicing my Spanish.”
47. Paddy took his new girlfriend Molly to the county fair, where he won her a big teddy bear playing the bottle smash game. Molly remarked “Wow, you must be a pro at this game with how easily you won!” Paddy laughed and said “Well, growing up Irish gave me plenty of practice tossing empty beer bottles. It was bound to pay off someday.”
48. Paddy’s friend Seamus called him one morning asking if he wanted to meet at their favorite pub later. Paddy declined, saying “Sorry Seamus, I’ve decided to stop drinking to live a healthier life.” He was silent a moment before adding “…But when I do start drinking again, I’ll definitely let you know.”
49. Paddy’s wife was puzzled why he staggered through the front door at 3am, wildly drunk yet again. “Paddy, where have you been all this time?!” Paddy looked confused. “Hold on, let me go ask the fellows who just dropped me off outside, they’re the ones who kidnapped me from the pub!”
50. Paddy was worried about his friend Mike who seemed depressed and hadn’t left his house in days. Paddy stopped by and asked through the door if Mike wanted to join him for a few pints at the pub. A sad voice replied “No thanks Paddy, I’ve given up drinking.” Paddy called back “It’s okay lad, I’ve given up drinking too…many times!”
51. Paddy loved vacationing in Spain and attempted visiting a fancy restaurant. The maître d’ stopped him at the door, snootily saying his attire didn’t meet the dress code. Paddy glanced down at his tattered clothes and shot back “Well if you’d mind your own business and get me a table, I wouldn’t be dressed like this in the first place!”
52. Paddy snuck his flask into the big football match and got wasted in the stands. Late in the 4th quarter, he drunkenly stumbled down near the field. A security guard spotted him and said “Sir you can’t be down here, please return to your seat!” Paddy slurred “No thanks, if it’s all the same I think I’ll just stay down here and watch the rest of the game from the field.”
53. Paddy loved getting in heated debates and arguments at the bar over pints of Guinness. One night he drunkenly yelled at his friend “Seamus, your pigheadedness is only exceeded by your ignorance!” Seamus laughed and said “Well Paddy if I’m pigheaded and ignorant, then you must be sobriety’s poster boy.”
54. Paddy was lost hiking through the woods when he came upon an empty whiskey bottle lying in the path. He picked it up and shouted “Aha, there you are! I knew I’d find you if I just kept walking long enough!” Then he happily turned around and headed home.
55. Ever since getting sober, Paddy had trouble sleeping. He shared this problem at an AA meeting, complaining “I toss and turn every night now without my usual nightcap—I just can’t seem to relax!” His sponsor suggested warm milk before bed instead. Paddy’s face lit up as he said “Well if warm milk does the trick, I’m sure warm Guinness will work even better!”
56. Paddy got rip-roaring drunk at a friend’s wedding. In the middle of the reception, he suddenly jumped up from his chair and yelled “Alright everyone, open bar at my house when we’re done here!” The bride whispered to her new husband “That was sure nice of your friend to offer an open bar at his place!” He whispered back “The joke’s on him—Paddy doesn’t even have a house.”
57. Paddy was nervous on his first blind date with a girl named Siobhan. To calm his nerves, he had a couple pints at the pub beforehand. By the time he met Siobhan, he was already tipsy and kept calling her Sheila. At the end of the awkward date, he slurred “I had a wonderful time with you tonight Sheila, we really hit it off!” Siobhan icily corrected him: “It’s Siobhan.”
58. Paddy’s wife Moira was giving him the silent treatment for drinking too much the night before. At breakfast, Paddy awkwardly attempted conversation asking “Moira, could you pass the cream for my coffee dear?” Moira glared back silently without moving a muscle. Paddy nodded and said “No cream then, got it. I’ll just take it black like my soul.”
59. Paddy’s drinking had badly affected his carpentry work, as he made more and more mistakes on the job. His boss finally warned “Paddy, if you come to work drunk one more time, you’re fired!” Paddy nodded and said “I assure you sir, if I come to work drunk again, it will be for the first time!”
60. Paddy had to take a roadside sobriety test after being pulled over for erratic driving. The frustrated cop waved a flashlight in front of his eyes. “Do you not see how impaired you are right now? Just follow the light with your eyes sir.” Paddy squinted and slurred “I don’t see any light officer…just three blurry flashlights all spinning in circles.”
61. Ever since Paddy quit drinking, his friends barely recognized him. He used to be the life of the party, telling hilarious stories and jokes over pints at the pub
