Old Age Puns
1. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
2. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
3. I hate when old people call millennials lazy and entitled. You can’t judge all people based on the actions of a few. Now get off my lawn!
4. I used to dread getting old. But now that I’m here, I can’t remember why.
5. My joints are yearning for the fjords.
6. Getting old is when your back goes out more than you do.
7. Being young is when you regret staying up too late. Being old is when you regret going to bed too early.
8. I’m at the age where my mind still feels young but my body feels like it went to high school with Moses.
9. I’m very good at turning food into noise.
10. My goal this year is to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go!
11. Old age is the only way to live a long life.
12. They say aging is all in your mind. My mind must be ancient.
13. Getting older is when your choices are to exercise, take a nap, or both.
14. I used to play hide and seek, now I just hide.
Old Age One-Liners
15. I’m at the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.
16. Aging gracefully means matching my personality to my wrinkles.
17. Regular naps prevent old age, or so I tell myself.
18. Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
19. My memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. Also, I don’t remember what used to be.
20. It’s paradoxical that the older I get, the less time I seem to have.
21. I forget why I walked into the room but remember in detail a random event from 30 years ago.
22. My hearing aid’s volume is up so high that everyone sounds like they’re angry at me.
23. Don’t act your age. Act however keeps them guessing.
24. Gone are the days of me going to bed early. Nowadays I’m in bed early.
Best Old Age Jokes
25. An elderly couple in their 80s were having problems remembering things, so they decided to visit their doctor to get checked out. After examining the husband, the doctor said, “I’m afraid you’ve suffered some brain damage from your recent fall. You’re going to have to stop doing crossword puzzles and only focus on simple tasks from now on.” The man nodded sadly. When he examined the wife next, the doctor said, “You’re fine. No brain damage at all.” Beaming, the woman said to her husband, “See, I told you you should have married me when we were young!”
26. An elderly man went to his doctor complaining of a pain in his leg that wouldn’t go away. After a thorough examination, the doctor couldn’t find the source of the pain. The doctor asked the man, “Did you suffer any major trauma in your childhood?” The man was reluctant to talk but finally admitted he had been kicked in the leg by a mule when he was 10 years old. The doctor’s eyes lit up. “That must be the cause! Mules have very long memories.” The elderly man replied, “I don’t know about mules, but I know that was 62 years ago!”
27. Two elderly couples were enjoying chatting and sipping coffee at a Senior Community Center. One man said to the other, “We went on a lovely cruise last month. It was awful. I was seasick the whole time.” “Seasick? What do you mean? It was a river cruise!” his friend replied. “I know,” said the first man. “That river was so rough, I was sick from the moment we left to the moment we got back!”
28. A retired husband took his wife to her high school reunion after not attending one for 40 years. After meeting several of her friends and former schoolmates, they were walking down the hallway when another man rushed up behind them. “Kathy, stop! Don’t you remember me from 7th grade gym class?” Turning her head, Kathy looked at him and gasped, “Why Tommy, I can’t believe it! You’ve still got it…but why are you wearing it around your neck?”
29. An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about how much his arthritis was affecting him. “Can’t turn my head proper anymore,” he complained. “My depth perception is all outta whack. Makes walking difficult.” “Did you go to the doctor?” his friend asked. “Yeah. He gave me some pills for it, but they don’t help.” “What does he say to do?” asked the friend. “Says I got two options,” the man replied. “Get a nurse or reinstall the carpets in my house.”
30. A sweet old couple had been dating for two years when the man finally proposed. He took her to a nice restaurant, got down on one knee, and gave her a ring. As he asked her to marry him, the woman was so overcome with emotions, she passed out at the table. As she fainted, the elderly man started choking and immediately keeled over. At that exact moment, the waiter came and quickly poured water over the woman’s head, reviving her. Seeing the unconscious man on the floor, she poured water on him too. Sputtering and coughing as he woke up, the man said between breaths, “I was gonna tell you the engagement ring I gave you was fake, but hell if I’ll tell you now!”
31. Three elderly men were sitting in the sauna after working out. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The first man pressed a button on his watch and said, “That was my pacemaker. My heart rate is too low, so it sent out an alert.” A few minutes later, another beep was heard. The second man pressed a button on his wrist and said, “That was my blood sugar monitor. I have diabetes.” Shortly after that, a cell phone rang. The third man dug into his gym bag, pulled out a flip phone and said, “That was my landline. I forgot to turn off my answering machine before we left.”
32. Bill and Karen were getting on in years, so they decided to visit a memory clinic just to make sure their minds were still sharp. They went through extensive testing and in the end, Bill was told, “You’ve got the memory of a 45 year old.” Impressed, he turned to Karen and asked, “What did they say about your memory?” She replied, “I’m not sure. I can’t remember.”
33. Two elderly gentlemen were sitting outside a nursing home, watching the world pass by. One man turned to the other and said, “You know, I’ve really enjoyed our conversations over the years. It makes me feel great to connect with someone who shares so many of my memories and experiences.” The other man looked confused and said, “Sorry friend, but this is the first time we’ve met. My name is Joseph, I just moved here two days ago.”
34. A little old lady was tired of living alone, so she put an ad in the paper asking for a man with no bad habits. She received many responses but set up meetings with three of them. The first man came over and when she opened the door, there stood the most handsome man she had ever seen. She said, “Oh my, you are so attractive, but I have to know, do you have any bad habits?” He replied, “I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day.” She thanked him for being honest and sent him on his way. The second potential suitor arrived, a real stud who immediately took her breath away. She again asked if he had any bad habits and he said without blinking, “I drink two liters of vodka every day.” She thanked his him for his candor and showed him out. The third elderly gentleman was the most unattractive of the bunch but she decided to give him a chance. She opened the door and asked, “Do you have any bad habits?” He replied happily, “Not a one! I’m on time, prompt, keep my appointments, I’m attentive, never late, and I don’t drink or smoke.” The little old lady looked him over and said, “I guess I can put up with those faults.”
35. An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor because he was suffering from bouts of constipation intermingled with episodes of diarrhea. Concerned it could be something serious, he underwent extensive testing. When he returned to the doctor’s office to get his results, the doctor said gravely, “I’m afraid you have a very advanced case of diverticulitis and need surgery right away.” The man looked puzzled and said, “That’s strange, I don’t even remember applying to become a diverticulitonologist.”
More Old Age Puns
36. I’m at the age when people call me sweetie and it makes my dentures hurt.
37. Aging is mandatory. Maturity is optional.
38. Went to an antique fair and people were bidding on me.
39. I don’t always forget things. Wait, what was I talking about?
40. I forget my glasses more than I forget why I need them.
41. My goal is to grow old disgracefully.
42. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
43. Age is an issue of mind over mattress.
44. You know you’re getting old when people call you at 9pm and ask “Did I wake you?”
45. I’m not aging, I’m marinating.