50 Hysterical Military Jokes

Military Puns

The Army cook was frustrated because he kept burning the roux. I guess he wasn’t gumbo be a good chef.
The reason the Air Force pilot was always late is that he kept getting grounded.

The soldier was proud of his camouflage skills but his sergeant didn’t see what the big deal was.
The Army barber didn’t know how to cut hair very well. His styles were quite crew cut.
The sailor was afraid of the internet. It had too many scary web sites.

The general loved Easter. He just adored all the chocolate bunnies in the mess hall.
The Navy captain put croutons in his chicken noodle soup. He wanted it to be a fleet soup.
The soldier brought a ladder to military drills. He wanted to use it to climb the ranks.

The paratrooper wore suspenders to keep his pants up. He didn’t want his fatigues to fall.

Don’t interrupt two privates arguing, wait for the general.
Our weapons tech switched the hand grenade with a pineapple. Opened up a whole new can of worms.

Got tired of the drill sergeant blowing his whistle at us. Threw it out while he was sleeping.
Mess hall food is so fresh you can still hear the potato screaming.
Don’t worry if you miss daily drills, they’ll march right up behind you.

Told the colonel his tactics were antiquated. You could say he gave me an old-fashioned reprimand.
Our captain loves baseball signals. Yells “Strike!” before firing missiles.
Bunkmate said my snoring could wake the dead. Told him that’s the point of a war cry.

Got stationed in Hawaii. Luau every night, drinks on the beach. Heck of a way to serve.
Don’t visit the artillery range bathroom. The cannons make it really loud in there.

One soldier was bragging about his position in the regiment. “I’m the first paratrooper to jump out of the plane during missions,” he boasted. Another soldier shook his head. “That’s nothing. I’m the one at the controls who looks back and yells ‘WRONG PLANE!’”
We were out on maneuvers when our convoy got hopelessly lost in the desert. After two days, we ran into a camel wandering the dunes. One private caught it, hoping it could lead us back to camp. He brought it to our scout sergeant, who took one look at it and shook his head. “Private, this camel is no help. It’s a trained military animal – it was born and bred on our base!”

Our platoon got sent into the jungle for survival training. On the first day, our point man suddenly stopped and held up his hand. “I hear something,” he whispered. “Movement up ahead.” We all raised our weapons, ready to attack. The lieutenant peered into the brush, then started laughing. “Stand down, men,” he chuckled. “It’s just a chameleon.”
During basic training, we did a 10-mile hike with full packs in the heat of the day. One private was really struggling. He kept stopping to rest and guzzle water. Finally, I said to him “Come on man, soldier up. This is the Army!” He glared at me and snapped back, “I’m soldiering as fast as I can!”
An Army Ranger, Navy SEAL, and Marine were bragging about who was the best. The Ranger said, “I can leave at night, land behind enemy lines, destroy a fuel depot, then be back at base before morning chow.” The SEAL said, “I can leave at night, swim ashore, take out sentries quietly, blow up ammo caches, then be back at base before morning chow.” The Marine said, “Morning chow? The chow hall doesn’t open until 0700 hours!”

Our platoon was on night patrol when suddenly the point man held up his fist. “Freeze!” he whispered. “I heard something.” We all stopped dead in our tracks, listening intently. After a tense minute, the lieutenant whispered “What was it, private?” The private shook his head angrily. “Never mind sir. It was just a stick breaking.” The lieutenant glared at him. “Good grief private, we’re all exhausted here! Next time, don’t call the halt unless you’re POSITIVE it’s the enemy!” The private saluted crisply. “You’re right sir. Next time, I’ll just let them kill us!”
During bayonet training, one private was really struggling to attach the bayonet to his rifle correctly. The sergeant got frustrated watching him fumble with it. Finally he yelled, “Just pretend the bayonet is your ex-girlfriend and STAB it on there!”
Two privates were guarding the entrance to a military base when a man pulled up in a beat-up old car. “I’m here to see General Smith,” the driver said. “All right, Pop, let’s see some ID,” one of the guards replied. The old man shook his head. “Sorry son, I left my military ID at home. But I can assure you I’m General Smith.” The private shook his head. “No can do. You need to go get your ID.” As the old man drove off grumbling, the other private looked puzzled. “Why’d you send the general away?” His buddy laughed. “That wasn’t the general! Like he would drive that old clunker!”

We got a new wide-eyed recruit in our unit. On his first day, the drill sergeant got in his face and yelled, “I didn’t see you at camouflage practice this morning!” The recruit shrugged. “I guess I did a pretty good job then, huh sergeant?”
Our unit was assigned to kitchen patrol one day. We worked through lunch prepping food for the next shift. When we sat down to eat, the mess sergeant came in. “Soldiers!” he barked. “Who left all those peels on the floor?” No one spoke up. He glared and said, “Well, let that be a lesson in camouflage. Now we know you can hide a banana peel on a green floor!”