Mattress Puns
1. I was feeling tired so I decided to take a nap. I guess you could say I was… mattress testing!
2. My friend bought a new mattress but didn’t like how firm it was. I told him he just needed to break it in!
3. I was thinking about getting a new mattress but didn’t have enough money. My friend said don’t worry about it, everything will work out… you just need to sleep on it!
4. Did you hear about the mattress store that went out of business? They couldn’t seem to bounce back from their financial troubles.
5. I went to check out the new mattresses at the store but didn’t see anything I liked. I guess you could say I was feeling a little restless.
6. Why do bees make their hives inside of mattresses? Because that’s where they can get the best nest-rest!
7. Did you hear about the angry mattress? It just blew up for no reason!
8. I accidentally ripped a hole in my mattress. I guess you could say I really tore into it.
9. Why are mattresses so optimistic? Because they always look on the bright side!
10. My mattress kept sliding around on my bed frame, so I finally decided to strap it down. I guess you could say it was being a little… shifty.
11. Did you hear about the mattress that went to jail? It was charged with springing a fellow inmate!
12. I was thinking of buying a used mattress to save money, but my friend told me not to do it. He said you never know what happened in someone else’s bed!
Mattress One-Liners
13. My mattress is so old, it belongs in a mattress-eum!
14. I’m so tired, I could fall asleep on a bed of nails…as long as it has a mattress on top!
15. They say you spend a third of your life sleeping, so make sure to get a comfortable mattress…unless you want to be tossing and turning that whole time!
16. My mattress is lumpy and dips in the middle…I guess that’s what I get for buying used!
17. I woke up with a stiff back this morning – I really need to get a new mattress.
18. This mattress is like sleeping on a pile of rocks – remind me not to go mattress shopping on a budget ever again!
19. I’m pretty sure there are a few bedbugs living in my mattress – this thing is beyond ready for the dumpster.
20. My mattress sags so much in the middle, I might as well be sleeping in a hammock!
21. I tossed and turned and counted sheep all night thanks to my uncomfortable mattress – I’m about ready to burn this thing!
22. This mattress is older than I am – no wonder it feels like sleeping on a pile of bricks.
Best Mattress Jokes
23. I went to a mattress store over the weekend to shop for a new bed. The salesperson asked me to try out one of the floor models, so I took a nap on it. When I woke up 2 hours later, he was angrily shaking me saying, “Sir, this is not a bed and breakfast!”
24. My wife was complaining about our lumpy old mattress, so I went out and spent $1000 on a nice new pillowtop mattress. That shut her up! Now she sleeps like a baby, while I’m stuck trying to sleep on the lumpy old one in the guest room.
25. I accidentally ripped a hole in my expensive tempurpedic mattress with a fork while eating breakfast in bed. Apparently the 5 year warranty doesn’t cover utensil related damage. Who knew?
26. I just got a high-tech air mattress that can be adjusted with a remote control. The only problem is that my wife likes it extra firm while I prefer a softer setting. We end up fighting over the remote every night!
27. Bought a new mattress online and was so excited to sleep on it, I didn’t bother to take it out of the plastic wrapping. Woke up sweating like crazy a few hours later – rookie mistake!
28. Got woken up by a huge rainstorm last night that was so loud, it sounded like bullets hitting the roof. Turns out it was just my cat popcorning around on the plastic covering of my new mattress.
29. My cheap roommate bought the cheapest mattress he could find online. The first night he slept on it, he ended up with huge gashes on his back. Turns out the mattress was stuffed with actual hay!
30. I was suspicious that the mattress I bought off Craigslist had bedbugs, so I doused it in gasoline and set it on fire. Turns out it didn’t have bugs, but it definitely does now!
31. Bought one of those mattresses online that comes squished in a box. Spent 30 minutes jumping on the box trying to get it to inflate to full size. Gave up and slept on it flattened – worst night ever!
32. Got an air mattress for a weekend camping trip. It sprung a huge leak during the first night and deflated to a pancake. Had to sleep on the hard ground the rest of the trip after throwing my back out trying to re-inflate it.
33. Ordered a new mattress and box spring but they were delivered in two separate packages. Have had to sleep with the mattress on the floor for a week straight waiting for the box spring to arrive. Talk about roughing it!
34. Tried one of those mattresses with sleep tracking built in that’s supposed to analyze your sleep patterns. Woke up to a report saying I’d stopped breathing 172 times and only slept 11 minutes all night. Returned it the same day!
35. Bought a used waterbed mattress which seemed like fun at first. But soon discovered that even just rolling over created huge waves that would slosh me from one side to the other all night long.
36. Got a great deal on a mattress that the store was desperate to get rid of. Brought it home only to discover the musty smell was from mold growing inside. Now we sleep on the couch until the fumes clear out!
37. Our dog was used to sleeping in bed with us, so we got him his own little mattress to keep him from hogging ours. Found out the hard way it wasn’t chew-proof when we came home to fluff all over the room!
38. My son replaced his old mattress with a heated massage mattress that can also play music. I tried it out and fell asleep with the massage on high. Woke up feeling like I’d been tenderized all night long!
39. Ordered a new mattress and it was delivered while I was out. Came home to find the delivery guys didn’t take my old mattress – they just set the new one right on top! Took 4 people to haul them both downstairs.
40. Got a great deal on a mattress from a guy selling one “barely used.” Got it home to find suspicious stains and certain bodily funkiness. Let’s just say I immediately carted it to the dump – no questions asked.
41. My roommate bought a super plush pillowtop mattress then proceeded to jump on it constantly like a trampoline. The springs busted through within a month, leaving us both with ruined beds.
42. Tried one of those beds where you can adjust the firmness of each side separately. My wife likes it really soft while I prefer it hard as a rock. We still fight over the settings daily.
43. Ordered one of those bed in a box type mattresses. Cut the plastic with a box cutter but slashed too deep, popping the air mattress inside. Had to patch the holes and let it inflate for 24 hrs before sleeping on a flat pancake.
44. Our power went out for 4 days last month so I had to toss my electric mattress pad. Just got around to replacing it with a new one and stupidly cranked it to high right before bed. Sweated off 5 lbs overnight!
45. My dog usually sleeps in her own bed, but one night snuck up onto our Casper mattress while we were sleeping. Apparently their “no sink” design does not account for 70 lb Labradors.
46. Recently switched to a sleep number bed so my wife and I could each customize the firmness. The first morning, we realized the numbers had synced up on one side, leaving us both sleeping in a crater!
47. Ordered a cheap memory foam mattress on Amazon. It showed up vacuum sealed in a bag that I struggled forever to cut open. When I finally did, the mattress exploded out with such force it knocked me unconscious!
48. Our cat loves kneading her paws on soft surfaces which is fine – except we got a pillowtop mattress. Now she leaves snags all over from her claws that look suspiciously incriminating!
49. My wife tossed and turned all night after getting a too firm mattress against my advice. Of course, I slept like a baby just so I could say “I told you so” in the morning!
50. Recently got a sleep tracking mattress that’s supposed to monitor movement and heart rate. It malfunctioned in the middle of the night and called 911 because it thought I had stopped breathing!
51. Bought a used air mattress on Craigslist to save money. The first night I used it, a huge gust of wind blew the air nozzle open and deflated it completely while I was sleeping.
52. Moved to a new place with doorways too narrow for a regular mattress. Bought an inflatable one instead, but must have sprung a leak because now I wake up on the floor every night!
53. My girlfriend replaced our mattress with a super bouncy pillow top, saying it would be more “fun.” Now my side of the bed shakes violently all night whenever she moves the slightest bit!
54. Got woken up by the mattress store calling to say delivery was delayed 6 more days. Rolled over angrily, only realizing later I hadn’t actually bought one yet but was just dreaming about it.
55. Ordered a mattress topper to help soften my brick-like mattress. Unpacked it to find they had sent me a feather bed topper instead – had to sleep surrounded by loose feathers that first night!
56. My dog usually sleeps in her own bed, but she snuck onto ours while we were out. Came home to find the chewed up remains of my $3,000 Tempurpedic mattress scattered around the room – yay for pet insurance!
57. My ex took the mattress when he moved out, so I’ve been sleeping on an air bed for months. Went on a date last night which led to some adult fun time… let’s just say the air bed did not survive!
58. Got a great deal on a new mattress but didn’t measure first to see if it would fit in my room. Had to sleep with it vertically upright against the wall for a week until I could cut a hole in the doorframe to angle it in.
59. Got one of those pillowtop mattresses but apparently the dog’s nails pierced the top layer, letting all the fluff come out. Spent hours vacuuming up the mess but now sleep in a lumpy crater.
60. Ordered a mattress online and had a professional delivery team set it up in my bedroom. A week later discovered they had just dumped it directly on top of my old one – then made the bed so I wouldn’t notice!
61. Got a new adjustable bed that can incline the head and foot areas. The first night, my partner kept accidentally triggering the remote making the bed fold itself in half with me in it all night long.
62. Purchased a fancy sleep tracking mattress that’s supposed to monitor sleep stages. Woke up to a report saying I’d woken up 137 times and spent 45 minutes total asleep. Promptly demanded a refund.
63. Bought a cheap used waterbed without testing it first. Got it home to find a tiny hole that caused the mattress to slowly deflate over the course of the night until I was sleeping on the hard floor.
64. Ordered the wrong size sheets for my new bed and didn’t realize until bedtime. Tried using them anyway and spent the whole night fighting to keep the mattress covered while it popped out the corners.
65. Got a great deal on a pillowtop mattress from a rent-to-own place. Brought it home on approval for a test-drive but now can’t get the covering off to send it back. Looks like I’m stuck owning the world’s heaviest mattress!
