Mail Puns (10)
- I ordered a boomerang from Australia. I’ve been waiting for weeks but my mail just keeps going back.
- Working at the post office has its ups and downs. But more downs than ups if you ask me.
- Did you hear about the angry envelope? It had a lot of stamping fits.
- Did you know that stamps like to travel in groups? They come in packs.
- The depressed stamp said, “I’m so lonely, I just want to stick to someone.”
- Why was the envelope sad? It had a lot of bills inside.
- I’d tell you a joke about the post office but it probably wouldn’t deliver.
- Mail carriers have seen their fair share of addresses. You could say they know where it’s at.
- The stamp collector was very attached to his collection. You could say he was stuck on it.
- Mailboxes spend all day waiting for mail. You could say they have a lot of patience.
Mail One-Liners (12)
- I’m writing a book about the post office, it has over 30 chapters.
- Priority mail? Nah, I prefer casual mail that gets here when it gets here.
- What do you call stolen mail? A federal offense!
- Mailman 1: “This neighborhood has vicious dogs!” Mailman 2: “It’s all bark and no bite.”
- I ordered something fragile in the mail – let’s hope they handle it with care!
- Rushing to get the mail is just a race to bills and junk.
- I’d be a terrible mailman because I’d want to read everyone’s postcards.
- Mail waits for no one! Except when the mailbox is full.
- Return to sender? More like return to sender’s sender!
- The frozen mailbox had chilly letters inside.
- Junk mail is the only mail happy to see bills.
- Rent, electric bill, credit card bill – no one likes getting bills in the mail!
Best Mail Jokes (9)
- I was excited to get a large envelope in the mail from my friend overseas. I quickly opened it up only to find a smaller envelope inside. I opened that one to find an even smaller envelope inside which contained a postage stamp and a note saying “Just thought I would send you some international mail!”
- An elderly woman was fined $100 for throwing out other people’s mail by mistake. The judge asked if she had anything to say before he decided punishment. The woman replied, “Well your honor, as you can see I am very old and frail. Throwing out mail was an honest mistake I greatly regret. I promise it won’t happen again if you let me go free.” The judge took pity and suspended her fine. As the woman was leaving, she turned to the judge and asked, “By the way, what did you do with that envelope of cash I gave you?”
- A man woke up one morning to find his mail had been stolen right out of his mailbox. He decided to stand guard the next day and catch the thief. The next morning he peeked out his window and saw his neighbor Mrs. Smith taking mail out of his box. He ran outside yelling “Aha! I caught you! What do you have to say for yourself?” Mrs. Smith laughed and said “Oh my, I’m so sorry! You see, I picked up your mail by mistake again. Silly me, when will I learn?” The man felt bad and apologized for accusing her. This kept happening every few days – Mrs. Smith would take his mail, he’d catch her, she’d have a perfectly reasonable excuse. Finally he realized what was actually happening and installed a lock on his mailbox.
- A man was frustrated when the scale at the post office said his package was heavier than he thought. The postal worker assured him their scale was perfectly calibrated. The man decided he’d prove this wrong – later that day he removed several ounces of nuts and bolts from the post office scale. The next day he went back with his package which weighed in significantly lighter! “See I told you your scale wasn’t accurate!” he told the postal worker. She rolled her eyes and said “Sir, you may have tampered with our equipment yesterday, but I still charged you for the missing nuts and bolts.”
- On his very first day working at the post office, Frank accidentally threw out a huge bag of mail instead of delivering it. “Don’t worry it happens to all new employees,” his supervisor said. “For now just go grab those letters out of the dumpster and we’ll sort this out when you get back.” An hour later Frank still hadn’t returned. Finally the supervisor went out to the back alley to investigate. He found poor Frank waist-deep in trash desperately trying to find the lost letters. “This dumpster is huge!” Frank said. “I think I’m just going to need to keep searching letter by letter until I find them all.” The supervisor slapped his palm to his forehead. “Oh no, Frank I was just kidding – that mail you lost was just a bunch of junk advertisements. I can’t believe you actually jumped in there!”
- A man’s mail kept arriving ripped and torn to shreds every single day. Extremely frustrated, he marched down to the post office to figure out why this kept happening. He told the postal workers “None of my mail ever arrives intact! It’s always tattered and shredded when I get it. What on earth is happening to it?” One of the workers cleared his throat guiltily and leaned in to whisper: “Yeah, that’s Carl. He hates his job so he aggressively takes out his frustration on everyone’s envelopes before he delivers them.”
- An elderly couple were getting ready for bed when they heard a loud banging on their front door. The husband answered to find their friend Howard standing on the porch looking distraught. “What’s wrong?” the husband asked. Howard replied “Oh it’s awful! Earlier today I accidentally dropped a $100 bill that I was going to mail to my grandkids. I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it anywhere. I know it’s a long shot, but on the tiny chance it somehow ended up in your mailbox could you please check?” The husband said no problem and went out to the mailbox. Shortly after the wife also went outside pretending to grab the mail. She returned inside giggling and showed her husband four $20 bills she had taken for themselves.
- A family came home after a week long vacation to find their mailbox overflowing with mail. One of the kids ran over excitedly, hoping for some fun postcards from grandparents or letters from penpals. As the parents went through the huge pile they were shocked to find it was all just bills that had stacked up in their absence – no fun mail at all! The kid stared at the heap disappointed and said “Man, our mail person is the opposite of Santa Claus. He only brings people stuff they *don’t* want!”
- A journalist decided to go undercover as a mailman to get an interesting insider perspective for her next newspaper article. On just her second day on the job she accidentally threw out a full bag of very important legal documents before they could be delivered. Mortified, she decided to just quietly resign her undercover postal worker job and never tell a soul what had happened.