Lottery Puns
1. I was going to buy a lottery ticket, but I didn’t want to gamble on losing my money.
2. I heard the lottery is looking for a new slogan. They should go with “You’ve gotta play to lose!”
3. I spent all my money on lottery tickets, but didn’t win anything. Now I’m feeling very scratchy.
4. My friend got addicted to buying lottery tickets. He’s got a serious case of scratch fever.
5. I was going to buy a lottery ticket, but the store was all out. I guess I’ll just have to draw a blank.
6. I’m so lucky, I won the lottery without even buying a ticket! Well, I won the unlottery.
7. I’m trying to save money, so I only buy lottery tickets when they’re on sale. The odds are still the same!
8. I spent my last $5 on a lottery ticket. My friend said that was stupid, but hey – you’ve gotta be in it to lose it!
9. I heard the lottery is looking for a new mascot. They should go with Unlucky the Leprechaun.
10. I’m so bad at the lottery that I lost a raffle where every ticket was a winner. The odds were in my disfavor.
Lottery One-Liners
11. I’m investing all my money in losing lottery tickets.
12. What do lottery winners and stranded hikers have in common? They’re both lost without a compass!
13. Lottery: A tax on people bad at math.
14. I just won $2 on a scratcher – looks like I can finally retire!
15. Me buying a lottery ticket: “I’m investing in my future!”
16. Lottery tickets: When you feel like setting your money on fire but don’t have a lighter.
17. What do I need to win the lottery? Just the right numbers! *checks ticket* Nope, not those.
18. I just won $10 on a lottery ticket! Does this mean I have to start buying responsible gifts for people now?
19. What happens when you win the lottery? You look at the ticket number and think, “Wow, I can’t believe I actually won with those odds!” Then you look at your ticket number and go, “Oh.”
20. Lottery: A fun way to turn your paycheck into lint and discarded tickets.
Best Lottery Jokes
21. I asked my friend if he won the $300 million dollar lottery what would he do? He said, “I’d keep playing till I won $600 million!”
22. My wife asked me what I’d do if I won the lottery. I said, “I’d clear my debts, buy us a nice house, share with family, donate some to charity, take you on a world cruise.” She said, “That’s so sweet, why don’t you ever buy lottery tickets then?” I said, “I don’t want to win the lottery.”
23. I recently won $10 on a scratch-off lottery ticket. I was so excited that I raced home, ran up to my wife and said, “Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!” She screamed, “Oh my God! Where are we going!?” I replied, “No where, I just wanted you to finally pack your bags and leave.”
24. I played the lottery this weekend and lost. But the good news is, the money I spent on tickets helped fund education in my state! Of course, none of that education went to me.
25. My friend said if he won the lottery, the first thing he’d do is pay off his mortgage. I reminded him that he rents an apartment, and he said the first thing he’d do is gloat about it to me.
26. I recently found out that the odds of winning the lottery and the odds of being struck by lightning in your lifetime are about the same. So I’ve decided to hold a metal rod up during every thunderstorm until I win the jackpot.
27. I asked my girlfriend what she would do if she won the lottery. She said she would hire someone to cook and clean for her. I said, “You know, you could just marry me instead.” She laughed and said, “I said if I won the lottery, not if I lost my mind.”
28. My boss caught me buying lottery tickets on my lunch break. He said, “Do you really think you’re going to win?” I said no, but it was cheaper than hiring an assassin to take you out.
29. I saw a homeless guy praying and asking God for the winning lottery numbers. I told him, “Dude, if God doesn’t give you a home, clothing or food, do you really think he’s going to give you lottery numbers?”
30. I recently got scammed out of $500 by a guy who claimed he could predict the lottery numbers for me. Lesson learned: Stick to buying the losing tickets yourself.
31. My grandpa always said the lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math. But after buying tickets every week for 40 years, he finally won $10. Who’s bad at math now, grandpa?! Oh right, still him. He lost thousands overall.
32. I heard about a man who won the lottery twice in one day. What are the odds?! Well actually, pretty good since he bought every number combination.
33. I played the same lottery numbers every week for the past year and never won a thing. Finally my friend told me, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” I told him if I won using different numbers, it would invalidate all the time I’d already wasted on my old numbers. Moral of the story: Just keep playing the same numbers!
34. I recently saw a news story about a homeless man in Detroit winning $200,000 on a lottery ticket he found on the street. Now he’s no longer homeless! But he is still living in Detroit, so I’m not sure his situation is much improved.
35. I finally won $100 on a scratch-off lottery ticket yesterday! I was s excited that I immediately used the money to buy 100 more scratch-offs. Ended up winning nothing and losing it all. Oh well, easy come easy go!
Lottery Puns
36. Buying lottery tickets is just like gambling – except you’re guaranteed to lose money.
37. I’m so desperate to win the lottery that I bought tickets in Bulk-achusetts.
38. Lottery: A fun way to turn your hard-earned cash into little pieces of paper blowing in the wind.
39. I’m convinced the lottery is rigged. Because if it was truly random, I’d have accidentally won something by now through sheer dumb luck.
40. My friend asked to borrow $5 to buy some lottery tickets. I told him, “Sure, just give me $10 when you lose.”
41. I’m trying a new strategy for winning the lottery. I’m going to lose on purpose – that way when I’m not expecting it, I’ll finally win!
42. Lottery tickets: For people who are bad at math but good at dreaming.
43. I recently bought a lotto ticket on a whim and actually won $500. I’m pretty sure whims are going to be my main decision-making strategy from now on.
44. I asked my accountant if playing the lottery is a good investment. He scratched his head and said, “Well, it has about the same return as my advice.”
45. Why do so many people play the lottery when the odds are so bad? Because applying statistics doesn’t make people rich, winning the lottery does.
Lottery One-Liners
46. Lottery: A tax on people wishing on shooting stars.
47. Me buying a lottery ticket: “Look at me getting my finances in order!”
48. Lottery tickets: False hope sold here!
49. I’m not just hoping to win the lottery someday – I’m actively losing it each week.
50. Lottery: A fun way to turn $2 into $1.50.
51. The lottery – finally, a way to turn hope into despair.
52. Lottery: A fun tax on people who flunked math.
53. Lottery tickets – lose money, gain stories!
54. Lottery: The most exciting way to not win money!
55. Lottery tickets: You probably won’t win, but someone’s got to lose.
Best Lottery Jokes
56. My friend just won $300 million in the lottery, so I called him to congratulate him. He thanked me and said now he can finally afford to pay me back that $20 he owes me. I said, “Oh good, so you’re paying me back $20 out of your $300 million?” And he said, “Hey, let’s not get greedy now.”
57. I recently found an old lamp at a garage sale and gave it a rub. Sure enough, a genie popped out and granted me one wish. “I want to win the lottery!” I exclaimed. “Sorry,” said the genie, “I don’t have the power to rig the lottery. That’s run by the government.” I sighed and said, “Okay then, I want a refund on all the lottery tickets I’ve ever bought in my life.” The genie said, “Oooh, so close! But the government doesn’t issue refunds on lottery tickets either. Any other ideas?”
58. I prayed to God for winning lottery numbers. I didn’t win the jackpot, but on an unrelated note, I did get randomly audited by the IRS shortly after.
59. I recently bought a lottery ticket on a whim and won $500. I immediately took that money and put it all on a 14,000 to 1 long shot bet at the horse track. After all, I was on a winning streak! Shockingly the horse lost and now I’m broke again. But hey, you gotta double down on luck when it comes!
60. I saw a news report about a man dying of a heart attack after he won the lottery jackpot. It just goes to show – money can’t prevent the inevitable. But I’m willing to test that theory if I ever win!
61. I asked my math-obsessed friend what the odds are of winning the lottery. He told me it’s 1 in 302,575,350. I told him, “Wow, so you’re saying there’s a chance!”
62. My friend said if she won the lottery, she would donate half of it to charity. I told her that was really generous and noble. She said, “Thanks! Just trying to hedge my bets in case there’s an afterlife.”
63. I recently won $100 on a scratch-off ticket, so I decided to splurge and buy a fancy steak dinner. It was the best $97 dinner I’ve ever had!
64. I just won $300 on a lottery scratch-off card! I’m pretty sure after taxes though it’ll only be like $298.50 – so I might as well just play it safe and keep my day job.
65. My grandpa always said, “The lottery is just a tax for people who are bad at math.” But then he won $10 million in the lottery, so I said, “Doesn’t that mean you’re bad at math, grandpa?” And he replied, “No, I bought every possible number combination, so it was guaranteed I would win. That’s just good math!” Touche, grandpa.