Jesus Puns (15)
1. What did Jesus say to the team after they won the football game? You did a crucifixion job out there!
2. Why was Jesus so good at fishing? He always had the best chum on hand.
3. What did Jesus say when the Romans were about to crucify him? “Cross” your fingers that this works out!
4. What do you call wine that Jesus made from water? Holy Spirits!
5. Why does Jesus make the best coffee? He always uses the finest Redeemer beans.
6. Why was Jesus voted most likely to succeed in high school? Because he was the Messiah!
7. What did Jesus say when his bike got a flat tire? “I can’t believe the Romans punctured me again!”
8. Why did Jesus do so well on his math test? He was great at cross multiplying!
9. Why did Jesus get in trouble in art class? He kept sculpting crosses instead of anything else!
10. What do you call the music Jesus listens to? Christian rock!
11. What kind of exercise did Jesus do every morning? CrossFit!
12. Why was Jesus voted prom king? Because he was the chosen one!
13. What type of car did Jesus drive? A Christler!
14. What did Jesus say after resurrecting? I’m risen and I feel so good!
15. Why was Jesus so good at basketball? Because he was always taking shots from the cross.
Jesus One-Liners (20)
16. I heard Jesus is going to host a TV show where he bakes bread. It’s called “The Greatest Loaves.”
17. Jesus may have walked on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
18. Jesus Christ is like a box of chocolates – he’ll save you from your sins.
19. I was going to tell a joke about Jesus, but I decided to take the high road.
20. Maybe if Jesus was a woman, we could finally get equal pay for equal work.
21. Jesus may turn water into wine, but I can turn a whole paycheck into pizza and beer.
22. Jesus feeds 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish, but have you seen the line at Chick-fil-A on Sunday?
23. I’d love to hear Jesus tell jokes. I bet he’d slay.
24. Jesus died for our sins, but he never skips leg day.
25. Jesus is my savior, but tacos are my religion.
26. What do you call it when Jesus takes the wheel? A Christ-Crash.
27. Maybe if Jesus turned Congress’ water into wine, they’d get more done.
28. If Jesus applied for a job at my company, I’d say “Jesus Christ! You’re hired!”
29. Jesus may have risen from the dead, but have you seen gas prices lately?
30. I wonder if Jesus prefers hardcover or paperback books.
31. Jesus died for our sins, so I’m going to live my best life.
32. Jesus saves…but George Nelson withdraws!
33. Jesus turned water into wine, but I can turn a glass of wine into a 2 hour nap.
34. Maybe if Jesus hosted SNL, more people would go to church.
35. Jesus was way ahead of the curve with that whole “washing feet” thing.
Best Jesus Jokes (40)
36. One day while Jesus was relaxing on his day off, he decided to check his Facebook notifications. He saw he had one new friend request – it was Judas! Jesus said “Judas, are you really trying to friend me after what you did last week?”
37. Jesus was worried about the future of humanity, so he decided to see a psychic to get her advice. The psychic looked into her crystal ball and said “I have good news and bad news Jesus. The good news is that in the future your birthday will be the most celebrated holiday around the world!” Jesus smiled and said “That sounds great! What’s the bad news?” The psychic replied “The bad news is that you’re going to be crucified.”
38. When Jesus first started preaching, he decided to do a trial run of his famous sermon on the mount. After he finished the sermon, his friend Peter walked up and said “That was amazing Jesus! But maybe next time cut back on the ‘blessed are’ parts – you said it so many times I thought you were rapping an early version of the song ‘Hey Ya!'”
39. On the first Easter after Jesus’ resurrection, Mary Magdalene decided to decorate some eggs as a surprise for him. When Jesus walked into the room and saw the colorful eggs, he laughed and said “Thanks Mary, this is egg-cellent!”
40. The day before Good Friday, Jesus realized his cross still hadn’t arrived. Frustrated, he opened the Yellow Pages and called the first carpentry shop he saw – Joseph’s Carpentry. When Joseph picked up the phone Jesus said “Hey it’s Jesus, did you finish making my cross for tomorrow?” Joseph replied “Oh wow, Jesus! I completely forgot about your order. I’m very sorry but I won’t be able to get that cross done for you on such short notice.” Jesus let out a sigh and said “Joseph you’ve really nailed me on this one.”
41. When Jesus first became a preacher, his PR department decided he needed some more name recognition before presenting his teachings to the public. After reviewing his options, they decided the best plan was for Jesus to perform some miracles first. They scheduled a wedding in Cana for him to turn water into wine at, then sent out a press release titled “Jesus Changes Everything at Local Wedding.”
42. The morning after his resurrection, Jesus’ disciples were gathered around asking him questions about his time in Heaven. Peter asked “Jesus, did you happen to see my grandfather up there? His name is Noah.” Jesus scratched his beard thinking for a minute, then said “Noah…Noah…Oh yes! I remember Noah, he was on the ark!”
43. During the Last Supper, Jesus told his disciples “Whoever eats this bread will be saved.” All twelve disciples enthusiastically grabbed a piece of bread and started eating. Jesus glanced around and said “Hey guys, relax, I was just passing around the appetizer baskets.”
44. While hanging on the cross, Jesus called out “Peter, I can see your house from here!”
45. The Sunday after Jesus rose from the dead, he decided to go golfing with some of his disciples to relax and catch up. After Jesus’ first swing, the ball went sailing off into the water hazard. Just as a disciple was about to dive in to retrieve it, Jesus held out his hand and yelled “Don’t worry, I got this.” He casually walked across the water, picked up the golf ball, then walked back and dropped it next to the hole. One of his disciples looked at him in awe and said “Jesus, that was amazing, you just walked on water!” Jesus smiled and said “No big deal my child, that’s just how I roll on Sundays.”
46. When Jesus first moved to Nazareth as an adult, his mother Mary was constantly nagging him to settle down and get married. One day at a village wedding, she pushed Jesus towards a group of single women, saying “Go mingle! I want some grandkids already.” Jesus replied “Mom please, I’m basically married to my work.”
47. On Easter Sunday, Mary Magdalene arrived at Jesus’ tomb to find the rock rolled away and Jesus missing. Shocked, she frantically ran into town to find the disciples and told them the terrible news: “They have taken Jesus from the tomb and we don’t know where they put him!” The disciples immediately sprang into action, calling the Judean PD, putting up “Missing Savior” flyers around town, and interrogating anyone suspicious near the tomb. Three days later, a very relaxed looking Jesus strolled into town. When his disciples angrily confronted him, he chuckled and said “Guys relax, I told you I’d rise again, I just took the long weekend to chill.”
48. When Jesus first began preaching, he tried delivering the Sermon on the Mount from memory. But he kept forgetting parts and had to improvise. After one confusing service, his disciple Matthew said “Jesus, your message is so important, you really ought to write this stuff down.” So they brought some scrolls and quills next time, and Matthew spent the whole sermon scribbling down notes. His version was later published as the Gospel of Matthew.
49. One day Jesus was teaching a large crowd near the Sea of Galilee. As often happened when Jesus’ fans spotted him in public, they immediately flocked towards him. Jesus said calmly “Please friends, give me some space,” but the swarm of people pressed closer. Suddenly Jesus spotted a Subway restaurant nearby and yelled “Hey everyone! Sub sandwiches for half price over at that shop!” The distracted crowd quickly changed course and headed towards Subway, giving Jesus the personal space he needed.
50. The day after Palm Sunday, Jesus logged into Facebook and posted a status update: “I’d like to thank everyone who came out for the parade yesterday! Though a few people nearly got trampled when y’all started throwing your coats down as I walked by! Lol please be more careful next time guys!”
51. When Jesus first picked up guitar as a teenager, Joseph was concerned about the hard-partying rockstar lifestyle. “I worry those musician friends will be a bad influence,” he said. But when Jesus formed his famous band The Disciples, they never got caught up in drugs or scandals. Their hit song “Holy Spirit” topped the charts for 40 days and 40 nights.
52. Jesus was getting ready for bed one night when he noticed his long hair was incredibly tangled. “This is going to take forever to brush,” he thought. So he turned the bathtub water into conditioner, dipped in his hair, let it soak for a while, then used a comb made from his leftover bread and fish. His locks were smooth and shiny! And that’s how Jesus invented the first deep conditioning treatment.
53. Jesus and his disciples were hanging out one day when Peter suddenly asked, “Jesus, were there any dinosaurs back in your day?” Jesus thought for a moment and said, “Well Peter, as you know, I’m only 33 years old. I’m afraid dinosaurs became extinct some 65 million years before I was born.” His disciples were amazed, as always, by the breadth of Jesus’ knowledge.
54. The morning after his resurrection, Jesus came downstairs for breakfast to find his disciples already gathered around the table arguing. “He’s risen, just like he predicted!” said John. “It must be his ghost!” countered Thomas. “Guys, calm down, it’s me Jesus!” They all turned to look at him skeptically. Jesus sighed. “Alright, alley-oop!” He grabbed a piece of bread off the table, transformed it into a basketball in midair, then dunked it into a glass of water they had out. The disciples applauded, their doubts finally gone.
55. The day after turning water into wine at a wedding, Jesus and his mother Mary were chatting. “Jesus,” she said, “I’m very proud of you for helping out with that miracle yesterday, but I have to ask – why didn’t you just make some more wine appear instead of going through all that business with the water?” Jesus chuckled. “I suppose I could have, but where’s the fun in that? Besides, if I make everything appear instantly, it kinda takes away my reputation as a top-notch carpenter.”
56. One day Jesus was preaching near the Dead Sea and decided to take a quick swim break to cool off and re-energize. But as soon as he waded into the salty water he shrieked and jumped back out. “Good lord, that is the saltiest thing I’ve ever tasted!” he cried. “No kidding,” said one of the disciples. “That’s why they call it the Dead Sea!” Jesus just shook his head and said “I think I’ll stick to freshwater from now on.”
57. Jesus was busy working alone one day in Joseph’s carpentry shop when his friend John came by to chat. While Jesus was sawing a long plank of wood, John asked him “Why do you spend so much time making tables and chairs? You’re the Son of God, can’t you just miraculously create whatever you need?” Jesus kept sawing as he replied “Of course I have the capability, but I rather enjoy the feeling of working with my hands. It helps me stay grounded.” John nodded; while he didn’t relate to manual labor himself, he understood the value in staying humble.
58. A few days after Jesus’ ascension into Heaven, the disciples were gathered together debating who should take his place as leader. The debate became heated, but just as Peter and John were about to come to blows, the clouds parted and Jesus reappeared. “Please, my friends, do not argue,” he said kindly. “Let’s talk this through calmly.” The disciples felt ashamed as they realized Jesus had returned just to break up a petty fight. Sheepishly they agreed to postpone the leadership decision and go get some lunch instead.
59. While hanging on the cross, Jesus groaned and said “Man, I could really go for an ice cold glass of water right about now.” Hearing this, a Roman centurion grabbed a spear and stabbed it into Jesus’ side, causing water to flow out. “Thanks man, I appreciate you trying to help,” Jesus said weakly, “But that’s not exactly what I meant.”
60. Jesus was hanging out with his disciples one day near the Sea of Galilee when Peter had an idea. “Jesus, we should go fishing! It’ll be relaxing.” Jesus agreed that was a nice idea, so they grabbed some poles, bait, and snacks and headed out on Peter’s boat. As they floated around chatting, Jesus suddenly got a bite on his line. Without much effort he reeled in a huge 7-foot bass. Peter was amazed and a bit jealous. The next day the headline in the Galilee Gazette read “Jesus Christ Pulls Off Miracle Catch.”
61. Jesus and his disciples were walking through town one day when they passed a poster for a localtheater production.Jesus squinted at the posterand said “Hey guys, look at this! My eyes mustbe deceivingme, this poster says the theateris putting on ‘The Passion of the Christos’?! They totally stole my life story!” The disciples shook their heads and chuckled, assuring him it was just a coincidence.
62. The morning after his resurrection, the disciples found Jesus making pancakes in the kitchen. Still stunned, Peter said “My Lord, you’re back from the dead!” Jesus smiled and said “Yep, and I gotta carb up after all that. Resurrecting really burns calories!” He flipped a pancake high in the air and it landed perfectly on top of the stack. The disciples applauded, then joined him for Easter brunch.
63. During the Last Supper, after Jesus passed Judas the bread, he suddenly gasped and said “Wait a minute…I TASTE potassium cyanide! Judas, you laced the bread with poison?? Et tu, Brute?” Judas cackled maniacally and twirled his mustache. But then Jesus laughed too, saying “Nah I’m just messing with you Judas, this bread is delicious.” Everyone shared a relieved chuckle over the harmless prank.
64. One day Jesus invited his friend Moses over for lunch. Sorry if this isn’t as good as manna,” Jesus joked as he served fish and bread he had prepared. “Are you kidding?” Moses said as he took a bite. “This is delicious! Way better than manna.” Jesus grinned, but inside he thought: one point for the New Testament!
65. On Easter morning, the disciples groggily gathered in the upper room, still distraught from Jesus’ crucifixion. Suddenly the door flew open and Jesus appeared in the doorway wearing an Easter Bunny costume. “Happy Easter guys!” he shouted gleefully. The disciples screamed in fright. Chuckling under the mask, Jesus removed the bunny head and said “Apologies friends, I couldn’t resist playing a little resurrection day prank on you all!”
66. One Sunday, Jesus and a few disciples were hanging out in their favorite cafe in Jerusalem when a robed man with a long beard approached them. “Greetings, I am John the Baptist,” he said. “Jesus, I’ve been wanting to meet you ever since hearing of your miraculous birth and wondrous deeds.” Jesus smiled graciously. “A pleasure to meet you as well, John. You know, you really do remind me of someone else I know named John.” He gestured to his disciple beside him. “This is my good friend, John.” John the disciple waved meekly, a bit embarrassed about the confusion but happy to let Jesus take the lead.
67. After a long day of preaching, Jesus and the disciples were unwinding at home
