Hospital Puns (20)
- The nurses were arguing about which patient was the most difficult, but they could not come to a concussion.
- The patient was afraid she had appendicitis, but it turned out to just be a grumbling appendix.
- The doctor told the patient that his rash would soon vanish without a trace, but it turned out to still leave a little scar.
- The ophthalmologist tried to give his patient eyedrops, but he kept dodging them and she couldn’t cornea.
- The janitor mopped the operating room floor because he wanted to make sure it was surgery clean.
- The clumsy doctor kept dropping his instruments during surgery, it was a case of butterfingers.
- The anesthesiologist was late to work because he took too long to wake up.
- The woman went to the podiatrist because her feet were killing her after standing all day.
- The neurologists were stumped trying to figure out why their patient had lost her mind.
- The surgeon decided to work nights because he was more of a night owl.
- The eye doctor did not charge his patient for the visit but said it was on the house.
- The patient’s rash was diagnosed as contact dermatitis, likely caused by her new mattress.
- The orthopedic surgeon was feeling humerus after a successful elbow replacement surgery.
- The pharmacist was annoyed that the patient kept requesting refills, he was getting tired of her per-script-tions.
- The gastroenterologist chuckled when his patient said the colonoscopy prep gave him the runs.
- The plastic surgeon decided to promote his business by offering free consultations.
- The OBGYN was excited to deliver her first baby after finishing residency.
- The cardiologist did not want his patient to have a broken heart, so he gently explained the need for a pacemaker.
- The patient kept cracking jokes to the nurse, he was just trying to make the hospital stay more comical.
- The dermatologist successfully removed the patient’s wart, it was a clean excision.
Hospital One-Liners (20)
- I went to the hospital because I swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. The doctor said my condition is text tile.
- I slipped and fell in the hospital lobby today. Now I’m the patient!
- Just got out of hospital. The food was so bad, it almost killed me.
- Hospital food is so bad they should have a pharmacy next to the cafeteria.
- If you think hospital food is bad, wait until you try hospital parking.
- My friend thinks he’s smart because he works in the morgue. I think it’s dead boring.
- Just got admitted to the psychiatric ward. Don’t worry, I’m here of my own accord.
- Doctor: “This looks worse than I thought. We’re going to have to amputate.” Patient: “Could you just give me a minute to collect myself?”
- I told my doctor, “My leg hurts when I touch it.” He said, “Then don’t touch it!”
- Doctor to patient: “Do you smoke after sex?” Patient: “I don’t know, I never looked.”
- Doctor: “I have bad news and worse news.” Patient: “What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “You have 24 hours to live.” Patient: “What could be worse than that?” Doctor: “I forgot to call you yesterday.”
- My therapist told me I should be more in touch with my inner child. So I sent him to his room without dessert.
- My therapist suggested I find something that relaxes me before our sessions. Today I brought a pillow and blanket.
- Therapist: “Your wife says you never buy her flowers.” Man: “To be honest, I didn’t even know she sold flowers.”
- I told my therapist about my phobia of overengineered buildings. He told me I have an irrational fear of complex complexes.
- My therapist told me I have trouble opening up. After 15 sessions, I still haven’t told him he’s right.
- My physical therapist asked me to demonstrate my range of motion. I said no thanks, that’s personal.
- My psychiatrist said I have a severe narcissistic personality disorder. I know she’s just saying that to hit on me.
- I went to the hospital because I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. The doctor said my condition is text tile.
- The dentist pulled my tooth out, but then asked me to cough up the co-pay.
Best Hospital Jokes (35)
1. A man woke up after having surgery and said, “Why is the blinds drawn doctor?” The doctor said, “There’s a big fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”
2. A doctor was performing a nose job on a woman who had requested having the surgery without anesthesia. As the doctor was preparing to make the first incision he said, “Okay, I’m about to begin, this first cut will hurt a bit.” The patient responded, “Hey doc, could you just give me a minute to brace myself?”
3. A man went to the hospital complaining of abdominal pains. The doctor rushed him into the operating room and performed emergency surgery. When the man woke up afterward the surgeon came to see how he was doing. “The operation was more complicated than I expected,” the surgeon said. “I ended up having to remove your appendix, part of your colon, and take out your spleen. On the bright side, you did so well that I went ahead and threw in a vasectomy too.”
4. A doctor tells a woman she only has six months to live. When she asks what she should do, the doctor advises her to marry a tax accountant. The woman asks how that will help her, and the doctor replies, “It won’t help you live longer, but the six months will seem like forever.”
5. Jim went to the doctor complaining about a pain in his leg that wouldn’t go away. After examination, the doctor grimly declared, “I’m afraid you’ll just have to stop masturbating.” Jim exclaimed, “What? Why?” The doctor said, “So I can finish the examination.”
6. A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, the nurse provides him with a gown to wear with nothing underneath. When the man protests, the nurse says, “What does it matter, it’s not like you’re going to need it afterwards.”
7. A doctor tells his patient he has bad news and worse news. The patient asks for the bad news first. The doctor replies, “You have 24 hours to live.” The patient is understandably devastated, and asks what could possibly be worse news. The doctor responds, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”
8. Did you hear about the guy who accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles? His next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!
9. Doctor: I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating. Patient: Why? Doctor: Because I’m trying to examine you.
10. A 92-year-old man went to the doctor and requested a sperm count. The doctor asked why he wanted it. The man said his female companion was pregnant, and since he had lived long enough, he wanted to see if he could still father a child. The doctor skeptical but gave him the test anyway. To everyone’s shock, the test came back with a very high sperm count. The doctor said “I can’t believe that you can still father children at your age! But with a sperm count this high, you have to be careful or you could get a woman pregnant out walking in the street!” The old man just smiled and said “Vasectomy.”
11. A husband and wife went to the hospital for the wife to deliver their first baby. The doctor came in and informed them, “We have this new machine to transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. Do you want to try it?” The husband replied, “Sure, I would love to share my wife’s pain.” The doctor set the machine to transfer 10% of the pain to the husband. The wife gave birth to a healthy baby. The couple went home happy. A few days later, the husband came back to the hospital looking aggravated. He yelled at the doctor, “You tricked me! Last time you said you would transfer 10% of my wife’s pain, but it must have been 100%! I felt the whole thing!” The doctor shrugged. “I didn’t change anything. Perhaps 10% was just more than you could handle.”
12. A woman went to the hospital to visit her husband who had been admitted after a car accident. When she arrived she found him sitting up in bed masturbating. Shocked, she asked her husband what he was doing. He replied, “The nurse told me to make sure I kept using my muscles daily to prevent atrophy before I can leave the hospital.” Still perplexed, the wife said, “Well that makes sense for your legs and arms, but I fail to see how that applies to what you’re currently doing.” The husband looked her dead in the eye and said, “You’re not a doctor, don’t question how I do my physical therapy.
13. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” Patient: “Why?” Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
14. A man goes to the doctor for a physical. After examining him, the doctor says, “I have some bad news. You have a rare terminal illness and you only have six months left to live.” The man is devastated and asks what he should do with the time he has remaining. The doctor replies, “My advice is to marry a Jewish girl and see if those six months don’t turn into the longest six months of your life.”
15. A woman goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!” The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.” “Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never allowed back to that restaurant anyway.”
16. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: *stops masturbating* “Why doc?”
17. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “But why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
18. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “Why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m your cardiologist and this is the morgue.”
19. A doctor told a man he had six months to live. The man tried to negotiate, saying he couldn’t possibly pay his bill in only 6 months. The doctor said, “OK, I’ll give you a year.”
20. Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
21. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Man: “Why?”
Doctor: “So I can finish the prostate exam.”
22. The doctor tells his patient: “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
“You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible – what could be worse than that?”
“I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
23. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “Why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
24. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating.”
Man: “But why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
25. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “But why doc?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
26. A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, the nurse provides him with a gown to wear with nothing underneath. When the man protests, the nurse says, “What does it matter, it’s not like you’re going to need it afterwards.”
27. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “But why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
28. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “But why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you – this is the third time I’ve told you.”
29. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “But why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you. Now please take your hand off it so I can continue.”
30. Doctor: “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “Why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Patient: “But I wasn’t masturbating.”
Doctor: “Not yet but you will be soon with these pills I’m giving you.”
31. Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ll have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “But why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you. Now please take your hand off it so I can continue the prostate exam.”
32. Doctor: “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “Why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Patient: “But doctor, you’re a dentist.”
33. Doctor: “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “Why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Patient: *keeps masturbating*
Doctor: “Please stop or I’m calling security.”
34. Doctor: “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “But why?”
Doctor: “Because this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.”
35. Doctor: “You’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “Why?”
Doctor: “Because I’m your proctologist and we’re in the grocery store.”
