Heart Puns
- I wanted to get in shape, so I decided to start running. But after my first day, my heart wasn’t in it.
- I was feeling empty inside, but a cardiologist said it was just heartburn.
- The cardiologist told me I need to cut back on fatty foods. I replied, “Doctor, I don’t have the heart.”
- My friend got fired from the cardiology clinic because he didn’t have the heart to work there anymore.
- I bought a mood ring to understand my emotions better. Now I wear it over my heart to know how I really feel.
- My doctor said I need a pacemaker. I told him I march to the beat of my own heart.
- I wanted to bake a heart-shaped cake for Valentine’s day, but I just didn’t have the heart to do it.
- The cardiologist suggested I reduce stress in my life. I told him that my heart’s just not in it.
- I tried to donate blood but they said I didn’t meet the heart requirements.
- I was feeling lightheaded so I went to the cardiologist. She said it was just heartburn.
- My friend had heart surgery and was nervous going under the knife. I told him to stay positive and not be so faint hearted.
- The heart doctor recommended I cut back on salt. But I just don’t have the heart to do it.
Heart One-Liners
- My cardiologist told me to listen to my heart, but it’s telling me to eat fast food.
- They say the heart wants what it wants, mine just wants a nap.
- My heart is filled with love…and cholesterol apparently.
- Doctor: “How’s your diet going?” Me: “It’s not looking too good for my heart.”
- I tried to listen to my heart but my arteries were clogged.
- Cardiologist: “We need to talk about your blood pressure.” Me: “Well, my heart’s not in it.”
- Therapist: “What matters most?” Me: “According to my cardiologist, lowering my LDL cholesterol levels.”
- I wanted to win your heart, but I think I’m having a cardiac arrest.
- Don’t tell my cardiologist, but my heart skips a beat whenever I see you.
- My heart says pepperoni pizza, but my cardiologist says salad.
- Doctor: “How’s the diet going?” Me: “I don’t have the heart to stick to it.”
- Cupid didn’t hit me with one of his arrows, I think it was a myocardial infarction.
- I’m supposed to avoid stress for heart health, but tell that to my procrastinating heart.
- My heart says “chocolate cake,” my cardiologist says “whole wheat toast.”
Best Heart Jokes
- I was feeling really run down, so I went to the cardiologist. She told me my heart was fine but that I’m out of shape. I replied, “I’m in shape – round is a shape!”
- My doctor told me I need to start eating more fish and less red meat to help my heart health. But I don’t have the heart to give up burgers and steaks. I decided to just split the difference and only order fish burgers from now on.
- I went to my annual check-up with the cardiologist. She said “Your heart sounds great but your BMI is too high, you need more exercise and a healthier diet.” I said “Well I don’t have the heart for more exercise but how about we split the difference and you lower my BMI on paper?”
- I was feeling really dizzy and out of breath, so I went to the cardiologist. After running some tests he sat me down and said “I’m afraid you’ve had a minor heart attack.” I was shocked and asked “When? I had no idea!” The doctor replied “Just now – when I gave you the bill for this appointment.”
- My doctor said I need to start monitoring my resting heart rate daily to make sure it doesn’t get too high. But I just can’t find the heart rate to do it.
- I tried to listen to my heart to make some life changes like my doctor suggested. But all my heart said was “Eat another slice of cake.” Turns out it’s not so wise after all.
- I went to see a cardiologist because I was having chest pains. After some tests, he sat me down and gravely announced “I’m afraid you have a serious heart condition called angina.” I was shocked and said “Well what can I do about it Doc?” He replied “For starters, you should stop calling it angina and use its medical name – Jeff.”
- I’ve been trying to eat healthier for my heart, but all my heart wants is a cheeseburger with fries and a milkshake. Stupid heart.
- I wanted to get in shape and went for a jog this morning. About 5 minutes in I was gasping for air and my chest started hurting. Is this what they call a cardio workout?
- My doctor said I need to lower my blood pressure for heart health. But that would require cutting back on salt, exercise, and losing weight. I don’t have the heart to do any of those things!
- I went in for my annual physical today. The doctor said my heart sounds great but my cholesterol is too high. He suggested I cut back on fatty foods. I told him I don’t have the heart to give up bacon and burgers. He said I have to make some sacrifices for my health. I said how about I sacrifice ever coming back to see you again? Needless to say I’ll be looking for a new doctor.
- I was feeling really lightheaded and dizzy so I went to the cardiologist. She ran some tests and came back frowning, “I’m afraid you’ve had a transient ischemic attack, also called a mini-stroke.” I was so shocked I said, “When did I have a mini-stroke?? I never felt a thing!” She said, “Just now when I told you the cost of your deductible.”
- I’ve been trying to eat less salty foods for heart health but I’m really missing potato chips. My cardiologist said it’s for my own good but deep down I know my heart wants Pringles.
- The cardiologist told me I need more aerobic exercise to strengthen my heart. I decided to take up boxing. I figured all the times my heart will race in fear of being punched will be good cardio training.
- My doctor scolded me today for not following his heart-healthy diet plan. He said I need to learn to listen to my heart. I replied that I did listen to my heart and it said to eat the double bacon cheeseburger with a milkshake and fries!
- I went to a new cardiologist for a second opinion about my high blood pressure. He recommended meditation, cutting back work hours, exercising more, and eliminating stress. That stressed me out so much I fired him right there. Some help he was!
- My cardiologist told me I need to reduce the risk factors for a heart attack. But I’m not worried – my family has a history of not going to the doctor.
- I listened to my heart today and it said “Eat that entire chocolate cake!” Then it followed up with “But maybe go for a short walk afterwards.” So I compromised and did half the cake. Still listening to my heart!
Heart Jokes
- I went to see a new cardiologist. She was very thorough and ran all kinds of tests. At my follow up visit, she sat me down looking very serious. “I have reviewed all your test results very carefully,” she said. “Based on the evidence, I can say with absolute certainty that you have a heart.” I just stared blankly back at her for a solid 10 seconds before I said “Um, thanks Doc?”
- At my annual physical, the cardiologist said my heart sounds great but my weight and BMI are too high. She suggested a healthier diet. I told her I don’t have the heart to give up my favorite foods. She scolded me and said I need to think about my long term health. I assured her I am thinking long term – I plan to ride this body out for as long as I can!
- I was experiencing chest tightness and rapid heart rate so I went to the cardiologist. After running some tests she sat down with a grave expression: “I’m very concerned about your symptoms. We need to schedule some follow up testing immediately.” I was so nervous I could feel my heart pounding. That’s when she brightened up and said “Just kidding! It was just heartburn. Here’s a prescription for antacids.”
- I listened to my heart today. It said “Eat that whole pint of ice cream.” Then 10 minutes later it said “Was that a bad idea or what?” My heart gives the worst advice but I just keep listening to it.
- I was feeling really dizzy and short of breath, so I went to the cardiologist. After a thorough exam, he sat me down looking very grim. “I’m afraid you’ve had a minor heart attack,” he said. “When?? I didn’t feel a thing!” I replied. He said, “Just now, when you got the bill for this visit.”
- My cardiologist says I need to eliminate stress to protect my heart health. She suggested meditation, yoga, and quitting my stressful job. I told her I don’t have the heart to make such big life changes. She said in that case, I better get used to taking blood pressure medicine. Fine by me!
- I listened to my heart today but it steered me wrong again. It told me to skip my healthy breakfast and go straight for the chocolate donuts. Now I’m paying the price with a massive sugar crash and headache. Why do I keep listening to my foolish heart?
- I tried listening to my heart but I couldn’t hear anything over the crunching of these potato chips.
- I went to the cardiologist for a checkup. He reviewed my test results and said sternly, “You need to start monitoring your resting heart rate daily and keeping a log.” I replied, “Ugh, that sounds like so much work. Can’t we just meet here again next year instead?”
- The cardiologist told me I need to make serious lifestyle changes to improve my heart health, including exercising daily, cutting out red meat and fried foods, reducing stress, quitting smoking, and losing 30 pounds. I said “Doc, I don’t have the heart for all that, isn’t there a pill I could take instead?”
- I listened to my heart today. It said “Go ahead and order the double bacon cheeseburger, chili fries, and milkshake.” Then 30 minutes later it said “Remind me never to listen to ME again.”
- I went to the cardiologist because I was having chest tightness. After a full exam, he sat me down looking very serious. “I’m afraid you’ve had a mild heart attack,” he said gravely. “A heart attack??” I exclaimed. “But I never felt any symptoms!” “Yes,” he said nodding. “Just now, when I told you about our new billing policy.”
- I tried to listen to my heart today but all I could hear was “binge watch Netflix and order pizza.” I’m starting to think my heart doesn’t have my best interests in mind.
- I wanted to get in shape so I tried jogging this morning. About 5 minutes in I was gasping for breath and my chest started hurting. Is this what they call a cardio workout or a heart attack? Hard to tell the difference!
- I listened to my heart today. It told me to have a cheeseburger, milkshake, large fries, apple pie, and 6-pack of beer. Remind me again why I’m supposed to listen to my heart for advice??
- I went to the cardiologist because I’ve been feeling lightheaded. After some tests she sat me down looking very serious. “I’m afraid you’ve had a transient ischemic attack, also known as a mini stroke.” I was so shocked I said “When did I have a mini stroke?? I didn’t feel anything!” “Just now, when I handed you the bill.”
- I tried listening to my heart but all I could hear was “EAT THAT ENTIRE PINT OF ICE CREAM.” I’m beginning to think my heart might be trying to sabotage my diet.
