65 Hysterical Granny Jokes

Granny Puns

1. My granny loves knitting, you could say she’s very yarn-est about her hobby.
2. My granny is so old that her idea of streaming is pouring tea from a pot.
3. Grannies keep everything – they believe waste knot, want knot.
4. My granny uses so much hairspray that she’s single-handedly responsible for the hole in the ozone.
5. Grannies love baking cookies. You could say they have a chip on their shoulder.
6. My granny loves antiquing. She’s always looking for a new relic to add to her collection.
7. Don’t bother trying to tell my granny how to use her new phone. She’ll just give you an earful.
8. Grannies and technology go together like dentures and applesauce.
9. My granny’s so frugal, when she goes to the dentist she asks for her teeth back.
10. Don’t insult my granny’s knitting – she’ll give you a tongue-lashing.

Granny One-Liners

11. My granny’s so old, her birth certificate expired.
12. Granny’s knees are so bad she can predict rain better than the weatherman.
13. Granny’s so frugal she still has canned goods from the Carter administration.
14. Granny’s so old, she took her drivers test on a horse and buggy.
15. Granny’s so technologically challenged, her password is password.
16. Granny’s so forgetful, she needs a map to get around her own house.
17. Granny’s so hard of hearing, you have to yell into her ear trumpet just to say hello.
18. Granny’s so cautious she triple checks that her refrigerator light really goes off.
19. Granny’s so picky she returns uneaten food to restaurants.
20. Granny keeps her dentures in a glass, and sometimes slips them in just to chew out the grandkids.

Best Granny Jokes

21. My granny is the ultimate hoarder. She has every National Geographic magazine since the 1940s just in case she needs to look up an old article. Last week I told her she should get rid of them since everything’s online now. Big mistake. She threw a fit and threatened to write me out of the will if I tried to touch her magazines. I guess you could say she really flipped through the roof.

22. My granny loves cooking big family meals, but she’s really set in her ways. Last Thanksgiving I tried to gently suggest adding a new side dish to the usual rotation of canned peas and jello salad. Granny just ignored me and kept preparing her famous lumpy mashed potatoes. When I wouldn’t let it go, she waved her wooden spoon at me and shouted, “I’ve been cooking this meal since before you were born and no one’s ever complained! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” I guess she really liked things the way they yam.

23. My granny fancies herself an amazing gardener, but really she just likes to boss around the plants. Every day she goes out to her garden, shakes her fist and yells “Grow, dangit!” at her vegetables. The plants never listen though and her garden is always a mess. Just last week I saw her shouting at some sad looking carrots and telling them she’d rip them right out of the ground if they didn’t shape up. I guess you could say when it comes to gardening skills, granny doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

24. My granny loves bingo and goes every week to play with the other ladies at the senior center. She takes it really seriously, wearing her lucky socks and using daubers in her favorite colors. The problem is she’s super competitive and always gets mad when someone else wins. Just last night, she came home fuming because Margaret won the big jackpot. I tried to calm her down but granny just snapped “That cheater Margaret doesn’t even need the money! Why I oughta give her a piece of my mind next time I see her!” I guess you could say when it comes to bingo, granny really hates to lose her marbles.

25. My granny is addicted to those little lottery scratch tickets. She buys a stack of them every week and scratches away hoping to win big. Of course she almost never does but that doesn’t stop her from playing. Just yesterday, I saw her in the kitchen scratching a pile of tickets and muttering “Loser, loser, loser!” under her breath. Finally she scratched one last ticket and let out an excited yell – turns out she won $2. I guess when you don’t have much else going on, little victories feel pretty grand.

26. My granny loves soap operas and always gets way too invested in the storylines. Her favorite is Days of Our Lives which she’s been watching for over 40 years. She even has scrapbooks filled with pictures and articles about the show. Last week during an episode, one of the characters got amnesia after an accident. Granny got so upset that she called the TV station demanding they rewrite the storyline. When I tried explaining it was just a show, she huffed “I know these people! That character would never get amnesia!” I guess you could say when it comes to soap operas, granny can get a bit melodramatic.

27. My granny is always barging into my room without knocking first. Just last week, I was trying on outfits for a date when granny burst in and startled me. I told her she needed to knock first but granny just laughed and said “This used to be my sewing room little missy, I can come in whenever I please.” Then she sat on my bed and started asking about my date in excruciating detail while I stood there in my underwear. After she finally left, I shoved a chair under my doorknob so she couldn’t get back in. I guess when it comes to privacy, granny likes to push her luck.

28. My granny loves knitting blankets and clothes for all the grandkids, but her designs are totally outdated. Last Christmas, she gave me a hand-knitted jumper that looked like something from the 1950s. When I politely told her retro wasn’t my style, granny said “Nonsense! This is a Granny Original design.” I wore it once to make her happy, but the second she left I shoved it in the donation pile. I guess when it comes to gifts, granny’s taste is often past its prime.

29. My granny is always complaining about today’s prices. Whenever we go out shopping, she tells the cashier how everything used to cost pennies when she was young. Just last week we were at the grocery store when the cashier told her the total. Granny turned to me in disbelief and said “Can you believe they want $3 for a dozen eggs? Why in my day eggs only cost a nickel!” The poor cashier just nodded politely while I tried to hurry granny along. I guess when it comes to inflation, granny finds the prices hard to swallow.

30. My granny is always trying to set me up with random old men from her bridge club and church bingo. Despite my many protestations, she is convinced I just haven’t met the right bachelor yet. Just last week, she invited me to her senior center’s potluck dinner and promised there would be some “very eligible gentlemen” there. I agreed just to appease her, but spent the whole night hiding in the bathroom to avoid her weird matchmaking. I guess when it comes to my love life, granny is hopelessly old-fashioned.

31. My granny is always nagging me to find a nice young man and settle down already. Last weekend while I was visiting, she said out of the blue “All you young people do is work these days! What you need is to find a good husband.” Exasperated, I told granny firmly that I was focusing on my career, not getting married. She just waved her hand dismissively and muttered “I never understand young people today.” I guess when it comes to dating advice, granny is stuck in the past.

32. My granny is always complaining about the latest slang terms. Whenever I say something is “lit” or “fire,” she looks at me like I’m speaking gibberish. I’ve tried explaining what these words mean but she just rolls her eyes. Last week I told her something was “on fleek” and granny said “If English was good enough for Shakespeare, it’s good enough for you! Now speak proper.” I guess when it comes to lingo, granny wants us all to keep it old school.

33. Granny is always yelling at neighborhood kids to get off her lawn, though they usually ignore her. She thinks all kids these days are hooligans with no respect. Yesterday some kids ran across her grass to grab a ball and granny came charging out the front door waving her cane and screaming at them to scram. The kids just laughed as they ran away which made granny even madder. She spent the next hour complaining to me about “young punks today.” I guess you could say when it comes to loud youths, granny is easily rattled.

34. Granny loves catalog shopping and is constantly ordering useless trinkets she sees in mail ads. Every day she gets excited when the mail arrives even though it’s never anything besides more catalogs full of junk. Just last week she ordered a cat pillow, a sequined sweatshirt and something called “miracle garden rocks.” I keep telling her she doesn’t need more stuff but granny just shrugs and says, “But it was on sale!” I guess you could say when it comes to mail-order deals, granny falls hook, line and sinker.

35. Granny is always talking about how she misses “the good old days” before technology took over everything. She reminisces about the tiny town she grew up in and complains that life was so much simpler back then. I made the mistake of telling her she sounded like someone who was 112 years old instead of 72. Granny got really offended and lectured me for 10 minutes about respecting my elders. I guess you could say when it comes to reminiscing about her childhood, granny sure talks up a storm.

36. Granny loves playing bingo with the other ladies at the senior center every week. She takes it super seriously and gets really competitive during games. Just last night, granny got so into shouting “Bingo!” that she threw out her back. As I was driving her home, she kept muttering “This is all Mildred’s fault! If she hadn’t distracted me, I would’ve won that round.” I guess you could say when it comes to bingo, granny really hates to lose.

37. Granny is always bugging me to come visit more often because she gets lonesome. The problem is whenever I do visit, all she does is talk my ear off about other old people’s health problems and boring town gossip. Just last week I made the mistake of visiting for an entire afternoon. Granny spent 4 hours telling me in great detail about her friend Betty’s varicose veins and her neighbor’s prostate surgery. By the end, I wanted to tear my hair out! I guess you could say when it comes to visits with granny, sometimes ignorance is bliss.

38. My granny loves cooking big holiday meals for everyone but she refuses to deviate from the tried and true recipes she’s been using for decades. Last Christmas I suggested we try adding some new sides instead of the usual cranberries and green bean casserole. Granny looked offended and said “Why mess with perfection?” Then she hid in the kitchen and kept cooking the meal her way. When I tried to enter, she waved me out, saying “Too many cooks spoil the broth!” I guess when it comes to holiday meals, granny likes to stick to her guns.

39. My granny is addicted to coffee and drinks it morning, noon and night. She takes it super strong too – you can barely see through her giant coffee mug. One time I tried a sip and it tasted like tar. When I said she should switch to decaf granny looked at me like I’d lost my mind. She huffed “I’d rather switch to tea altogether than drink tasteless dishwater coffee!” I guess you could say when it comes to java, granny likes it strong as an ox.

40. My granny loves detective shows and is constantly driving the rest of the family crazy with her theories about who the murderer is. As soon as a new mystery show starts, granny speculates non-stop about clues and possible suspects. She even takes notes in a little book so she can keep all the “evidence” straight. Last night we were watching a show and granny suddenly shouted “Aha! I knew it was the gardener all along!” I guess you could say when it comes to playing armchair detective, granny loves to dig for clues.

41. My granny is obsessed with couponing and never buys anything without some kind of deal. She spends hours cutting out coupons from the newspaper and organizing them in dozens of envelopes by category. Whenever we go shopping together, granny holds up the checkout line digging through her coupon wallet trying to find the best discounts. Last week I had to drag her away from a 50 cent off canned corn coupon at the grocery store. I guess you could say when it comes to bargains, granny really goes whole hog.

42. Granny loves her old record player and still listens to her dusty albums from the 60s and 70s. She says music today can’t compare to the classics. Just last week, I was over at granny’s house and she put on a scratchy Glenn Miller record and started dancing around the living room. When I asked to play a song on my phone she waved me off saying “They just don’t write great lyrics like this anymore!” I guess you could say when it comes to music Appreciation, granny prefers the vintage hits.

43. Granny spends hours watching QVC and always gets suckered into buying useless products she sees advertised. Just last week she bought some fancy vacuum cleaner called the Turbo Suck Master 3000 for $200. When it arrived, the vacuum didn’t even work and granny had to ship it back. She never learns though – yesterday I caught her watching QVC again and she said “Oooh, I could use one of those!” I guess you could say when it comes to TV sales pitches, granny swallows them hook, line and sinker.

44. Granny loves sweets and always keeps her house stocked with cookies, candy and ice cream. She says life is too short not to enjoy dessert. Just last night I caught her sitting at the table eating ice cream right out of the carton. When I scolded her for ruining her appetite, granny just laughed and said “I’m 70 years old – I’ll eat ice cream for dinner if I want!” I guess you could say when it comes to sugar, granny is no lemon.

45. Granny loves Amish romance novels and is constantly buying cheap paperbacks she finds at the grocery store. Her bookshelves are filled with shirtless, long-haired men on the covers. Whenever I catch her reading one, granny says “This stuff may be silly but at least it’s clean!” Last week I made the mistake of reading a few pages from one of her books while waiting for her to get ready. Let’s just say those Amish men have some very un-Amish desires! I guess you could say granny’s choice in literature is far from puritanical.