Canada Puns (15)
1. I heard Canada has a new position open in the government. They are looking for an Apologizer General.
2. Why did the Canadian bring an extra pair of pants golfing? In case he got a hole in one!
3. What do you call a Canadian vampire? A Maple Sucker.
4. Why do Canadians like having round coins? Because they loonie and toonie them!
5. Did you hear about the new Canadian-history-themed restaurant? It serves poutine.
6. Why did the Canadian bring gloves to the baseball game? In case he caught a foul ball!
7. How do you know when a Canadian is at your door? They’re always a-polite-ing!
8. How do you get 100 Canadians out of a pool? You say, “Will everyone who isn’t in the pool please get out.”
9. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese! Sorry.
10. Why do Canadians make bad lifeguards? Because they can’t get out of the water until everyone else does!
11. Want to hear a joke aboot Canada? Sorry, I don’t have one. I apoligize.
12. How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but first they’ll wait for everyone else to go ahead of them, apologize for taking too long, then thank the lightbulb profusely.
13. What do you call a potato in Canada? A pota-sorry!
14. Why can’t Canadians play peek-a-boo? They keep apologizing every time they peek!
15. Why did the Canadian hockey player get a penalty? He said “sorry” to the ref for scoring a goal!
Canada One-Liners (20)
16. Canada’s national bird: the frozen chicken.
17. Canadian rodeo: Watching the Zamboni go around and around.
18. Canadian water slides: So slippery from all the “Sorry!”s.
19. The Ottawa Senators’ new goal song: “O Canada, We Scored Again, Eh?”
20. Canada has the best cow apologies in the world.
21. Canadian Idol’s new judges: Tim Horton, Wayne Gretzky, and Justin Bieber, eh.
22. New Canadian game show: “So You Think You Can Apolo-gize?”
23. Canadian roads: Repaired hourly for your comfort and safety, eh.
24. Canadian stop signs: “STOP, if you wouldn’t mind.”
25. Canadian chess: Whoever says “Sorry” first, loses.
26. Canadian small talk: “Lovely frost we’re having, eh?”
27. Canadian weather reports: “Expect flurries, eh. Sorry about that.”
28. Canadian night clubs: Where everyone stands politely along the walls.
29. Canadian ventriloquism: Never moves his lips when saying “Sorry”.
30. How Canadians call their dogs: “Here, boy, eh!”
31. Canadian smartphones: Pre-programmed with 200 apologetic auto-texts.
32. New Canadian Olympic sport: Competitive apologizing.
33. Canadian doorbells: Plays first few notes of “O, Canada.”
34. Canadianopinion polls: 60% Sorry, 30% Eh, 10% Thank You
35. Canadian GPS voice option: “Recalculating route…sorry!”
Best Canada Jokes (40)
36. Three Canadians are stranded on a deserted island. One finds a lamp and rubs it, and a genie appears. “I will grant you each one wish,” the genie says. The first Canadian apologizes and says “Sorry, I just want to go home, eh.” He is teleported home. The second also apologizes and says “Sorry, me too, I just want to go home.” She is also teleported home. The third Canadian says “Gee, I’m lonely now. Sorry, but I wish my friends were back here with me.”
37. An American, tired and tipsy after a long day, decides to sleep one off in a hotel in Canada. The receptionist asks: “Would you like your room to be on the third or fourth floor?” The American replies: “I’m sorry, what was that?” The receptionist repeats: “Would you like your room to be on the third or fourth floor?” The American gets angry and says: “Look here, I’m exhausted and in no state for riddles or jokes! Just give me the darn key!”
38. What do you call a sophisticated Canadian? Cultured.
39. Did you hear about the Canadian who won gold at the Summer Olympics? He apologized and gave it back.
40. How do you get a Canadian to apologize? Step on their foot.
41. Why did the Canadian hockey team lose the championship? The goalie said “Sorry” every time someone shot at the net.
42. Why do Canadians like having the Queen on their money? Because they can’t have a Prime Minister on a Nickel!
43. What does a Canadian say when you step on their foot? “Sorry, I was in your way.”
44. How do you get 100 Canadians out of a pool? Say, “Will everyone who is not currently in the pool please get out.”
45. An Ontarian, an Albertan, and a Newfie are drinking together at a bar. The Ontarian says, “Let’s have a contest. Whoever can chug this beer the fastest gets free drinks all night.” The Newfie downs his beer in 5 seconds flat. Impressed, the Ontarian buys him drinks all night. The next day the three are back. “Let’s have a 2nd contest, eh? Whoever can throw this dart closest to the bullseye gets free drinks!” The Albertan throws it right into the bullseye. Impressed, the Ontarian buys her drinks all night. The 3rd day, they return again. “Okay, free beer tonight for whoever can piss the highest on that wall over there.” The Ontarian runs at the wall, stops halfway, and starts peeing all over his pants and shoes. “What are you doing?!” asks the Newfie. The Ontarian replies, “Oh sorry, I meant to stop at the top but I just got so competitive!”
46. Why don’t Canadians play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.
47. An American and a Canadian were competing in a friendly bowling match. The American threw a strike in the first frame. The Canadian said “Congratulations, nice shot.” The American bowled another strike in the second frame. The Canadian said “Keep up the great bowling!” After the third frame resulting in two strikes and a spare, the Canadian remained silent. The American finally asked him why he stopped with the compliments. The Canadian replied “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t want to jinx you.”
48. What’s the only downside of living in Canada? It’s next to the United States.
49. Why does the Canadian Navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old Canadian Navy!
50. Did you hear about the war between Canada and Djibouti? It was an a-polite war.
51. Why did the Canadian bring an extra pair of pants golfing? In case he got a hole in one!
52. How do you get 100 Canadians out of a pool? Say, “Excuse me, would all the non-swimmers please get out of the pool.”
53. Why do Canadians make bad lifeguards? They can’t get out of the water until everyone else does.
54. How was copper wire invented? Two Canadians found the same penny at the same time.
55. Did you hear about the Canadian who died and left his entire fortune to the local library? Yeah, they were shocked too. All they found was overdue book fees.
56. Why did the Canadian hockey player get a penalty? He said “sorry” to the ref for scoring a goal!
57. How do you know when a Canadian is at your door? They’re always a-polite-ing!
58. Why do Canadians like having round coins? Because they loonie and toonie them!
59. Why did the Canadian bring gloves to the baseball game? In case he caught a foul ball!
60. How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb? Twelve. One to change the light bulb and eleven to stand around and talk about how nice the old one was.
61. How do you get a Canadian to apologize? Step on their foot.
62. Why did the Canadianockey team lose the championship? The goalie said “Sorry” every time someone shot at the net.
63. What do you call a sophisticated Canadian? Cultured.
64. Why do Canadians like having the Queen on their money? Because they can’t have a Prime Minister on a Nickel!
65. How does every Canadian story start? “So, this guy said sorry…”
66. Why don’t Canadians play hide and seek? Because no one will look for them.
67. What do Canadian vampires say? “Sorry, but I vant to suck your blood, eh.”
68. Why did the moose cross the road? It didn’t, it apologized and waited for traffic to pass.
69. How does a Canadian cook chicken? They say sorry to it and put it in the oven.
70. What do you call a potato in Canada? A pota-sorry!
71. How do you get 100 Canadians out of a pool? You say, “Will everyone who isn’t in the pool please get out.”
72. How do Canadians call their dogs? “Here, boy, eh!”
73. Why did the Canadianaologize after winning the lottery? Because winning felt wrong.
74. What’s the only downside of living in Canada? It’s next to the United States.
75. Why does the Canadian Navy have glass bottomed boats? So they can see the old Canadian Navy!