Beer Puns
- I was going to tell you a beer pun, but I decided it was too corny.
- My friend got fired from the brewery. His boss said he lacked beer judgement.
- The beer was brewed by monks, so we called it friar ale.
- Did you hear about the beer that was made specifically for pessimists? It’s called Bud Weiser.
- I only drink beer on two occasions – when it’s my birthday, and when it’s not.
- The failing beer company started selling beer in a new can size to try and improve sales. It was their last pint effort.
- My favorite beer is Guinness. I drink it religiously.
- I tried to grab a beer at the bar, but it was clearly a tap I couldn’t reach.
- Did you hear about the beer can shortage in Jamaica? No can, no beer, mon!
- Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
Beer One-Liners
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
- Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC.
- Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean. Against tables, chairs, and poles.
- I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I accidentally drink 12.
- Save water, drink beer.
- Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video… we need to talk.
- I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a beer enthusiast.
- Alcohol: Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.
- Work, Beer, Sleep. My three-step plan for happiness.
- Beer: The reason I get up every afternoon.
Best Beer Jokes
21. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender slides the cold brew down the bar, the man asks, “Do you have any helicopter flavored beer?” The bartender looks confused and says, “No, I’ve never even heard of that. We just have regular beer.” The man shrugs and says, “Oh well, it’s worth an ask. I’ll take the beer.”
He drinks it and then orders another beer. “Do you have any airplane flavored beer?” The bartender shakes his head. “Nope, just regular beer.” The man nods and takes a sip of the new beer.
After a third round, the man asks, “Do you have any tractor flavored beer?” The bartender has had enough. “Look, pal, I’ve told you twice already – we just have normal beer. No helicopter, no airplane, no tractor flavored beer.”
The man lets out a deep sigh. “Well in that case, I’ll just have a beer.”
22. A truck driver walks into a seedy bar after a long day on the road. He sits down and orders a beer. As he takes his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “Those socks stink!” Startled, the trucker looks around but doesn’t see where the voice came from. Figuring he’s tired and hearing things, he just shrugs and takes another gulp of beer.
“Seriously dude, those socks could kill!” says the squeaky voice again. The trucker slams down his beer and yells “Who said that?!” An old, grumpy man sitting next to him points down to a parrot perched near the bar. “That’s Polly. He’s always causing trouble around here.” The trucker glares at the parrot. “Hey parrot, it’s not very polite to make comments about how people smell!” The parrot tilts his little head and says, “Sorry about that. I just call ’em like I smell ’em!”
23. One sunny day, Jill decides to take a detour on the way home from work by walking through the local park. She stops by a food cart to get a beer before sitting down on a bench to relax. She’s almost finished with her beer when a man runs up, grabs the bottle out of her hand, and gulps down the last few sips. Jill is shocked and yells “Hey!” But before she can say anything else, the man begins sprinting away.
Jill jumps up to chase after him, yelling “Bring back my beer!” The man runs faster, chugging along the winding park paths. But he’s no match for Jill, who finally catches up and tackles him to retrieve her beer bottle.
As she pins him down, the man laughs and says, “I just wanted a sip of your beer. But you sure seemed committed to getting this bottle back!” Jill frowns and says, “Well of course! This is a Stella Artois. I wasn’t about to lose a bottle of premium beer to some thief in the park!”
24. It was 5:00 on Friday evening and Joe was looking forward to happy hour with the guys from the office. He walked into McSorley’s Ale House and found his coworkers already there and a few beers in. “Joe, help settle this!” said Bill. “We can’t decide: what’s the manliest beer?” The guys erupted into an argument, each advocating for their own favorite brew.
Joe held up his hands. “Gentlemen, there’s no need to argue. The manliest beer isn’t about the brand – it’s about how you drink it! It doesn’t matter if it’s a Bud Light or an IPA. If you drink it confidently and with appreciation, any beer can be manly.” His coworkers considered this for a moment before raising their glasses.
“Hear hear! Joe is right,” said Bill. “I think we can all agree a manly beer is one enjoyed in good company.” They clinked their glasses together, happy hour comradery restored.
25. Katie walked into her regular bar and greeted the bartender, Carl. “I’ll have the usual,” she said. Carl poured her a Blue Moon. Taking the beer, Katie scanned the bar to see if any new faces had shown up. It was mostly the same crowd as always.
Katie did notice one man who looked unfamiliar. He was sitting alone, dressed in a fancy suit that seemed out of place in this casual pub. Katie grabbed her beer and headed over to talk to him. “Is this seat taken?” she asked. The man gestured for her to sit.
“I haven’t seen you here before,” said Katie. “What brings you in?” The man took a sip of his beer. “My company just transferred me to this city. Don’t know anyone yet.” Katie smiled. “Well, now you know me. I’m Katie.” She held out her hand, which the man shook. Carl brought over two more beers for them. Maybe this place would start to feel like home after all, Katie thought.
26. It was a cold winter day and Larry was walking home after work, shivering in the icy wind. As he passed by the local pub, the warm glow from the windows and smell of fresh beer was irresistible. Larry shook the snow off his boots and headed inside.
The pub was bustling with people watching a hockey game. Larry grabbed a stool at the bar. “One porter, please,” he told the bartender, unwinding the scarf from around his neck. The rich, dark beer warmed Larry from the inside out. The guy next to Larry struck up a chat about hockey. “Best sport on earth,” Larry said, taking another satisfying sip of porter. Outside the wind howled, but he was safe and cozy here in the lively pub.
27. Jim woke up on Saturday morning with a powerful thirst after a night out with friends. He shuffled to the fridge hoping for a cold beer to start the day. But when he opened it, all he saw was a jug of almond milk, some yogurt, and a lot of wilted vegetables – nothing drinkable. Jim sighed. His new health-conscious roommate had thrown out all the beers.
He stared forlornly at the sad contents of the fridge, slammed it shut, and got dressed. Time for an emergency beer run at the liquor store. Jim eagerly picked up a six-pack of ice-cold IPAs. He drove straight to the park afterwards, sat under his favorite tree, cracked open a beer and took a refreshing sip. Ah, that hit the spot perfectly. The day was looking up already.
28. Margaret sat on her front porch one hot summer evening, rocking gently in her chair. Her neighbor Paul came walking by with his dog. “Beautiful night for a beer!” Margaret called out. Paul smiled and waved in agreement. Margaret went inside and returned with two cold bottles of lager.
“Come have a seat, Paul,” she said, handing him a beer as he walked up the steps. “Let’s enjoy this lovely weather.” The two neighbors sat and watched the fireflies blinking over the grass, clinking their bottles together in a cheerful toast. Sometimes the simplest pleasures – good company and a tasty beverage on a balmy night – were the best life had to offer.
29. Brandon wasassigned to be the designated driver for a career networking event. He dropped his coworkers off at Murphy’s Pub for the happy hour while he planned to head home and catch up on emails. But as he drove past the bar’s open door, the sound of laughter and clinking glasses drew him in.
Maybe one beer wouldn’t hurt. He sat at the corner of the bar with a pint, nodding hellos to his coworkers. Within a few sips he was chatting and laughing too. Brandon knew he shouldn’t stay long, but the buzz of conversation and the taste of cold ale had him feeling connected instead of left out. Sometimes being responsible could wait. This hour was for enjoying the moment.
30. Amy sat staring glumly at the single can of warm beer that had been sitting in the back of the fridge for who knows how long. She and her friends had bigger plans for tonight, but the coronavirus lockdown had squashed them. Instead of dancing the night away, here she sat lonely on the couch.
In desperation, she popped open the stale, old beer. But as that first bitter sip hit her tongue, Amy had an idea. She grabbed her phone and called up her best friends for a video happy hour. Soon they were laughing and playing drinking games together, lonely cans in hand. Amy smiled as she sipped again. Some lukewarm beer and technology were all they needed to make the most of quarantine.
