Yardstick Puns
1. I was trying to measure the length of my room, but I didn’t have a ruler. Thankfully my friend lent me his yardstick. You could say he really came in handy!
2. My wife asked me to pick up a yardstick while I was at the hardware store. I told her, “No problem honey, I’ll pick you up a meter stick instead!”
3. I entered my pet stick insect into a yardstick race. He was disqualified for measuring up short.
4. The store was having a big sale on yardsticks. Customers could get one for half off!
5. I tried to use a yardstick to paddle my canoe. It was a measure I soon regretted.
6. I asked the hardware store clerk where I could find a yardstick. He responded, “Aisle 12 feet.”
7. Did you hear about the angry inchworm who hijacked a yardstick factory? He held the place up for 12 hours.
8. The metric system tried to stage a coup against the imperial system. All the yardsticks were like, “You won’t overthrow us!”
9. Why was the yardstick hired as a store detective? He always kept an eye out for shoplifters.
10. The yardstick’s teenage son was rebelling by getting tattoos. He was going through a ruler phase.
Yardstick One-Liners
11. I’d tell you a joke about yardsticks, but it might measure up a bit short.
12. Don’t trust yardsticks – they’ll measure you up and then stab you in the back.
13. They say theshortest distance between two points is a straight line, but I usually just use a yardstick.
14. I bought a yardstick online but when it arrived it was only 35 inches. I demanded a refund for being ripped off an inch.
15. I entered my pet earthworm into a yardstick limbo contest. He went under in 12 inches flat.
16. Don’t ask me how long a yard is – I only know meters.
17. I tried to use a yardstick as a boomerang, but it didn’t come back.
18. Yardsticks don’t actually stick to yards. False advertising if you ask me.
19. I was challenged to a duel, so I chose 30 paces…with a yardstick.
20. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but have you tried a yardstick?
Best Yardstick Jokes
21. A carpenter was bragging about his skills to his apprentice. “Look at the beautiful cabinet I built! I measured each piece down to the nearest 1/16th inch using my trusty yardstick!” The apprentice replied, “I hate to point this out, but your cabinet is 3 feet wide and your yardstick only has 12 inches on it…”
22. Billy was struggling in his math class so his teacher decided to try explaining measurements in a more hands-on way. She gave him a yardstick and told him, “See this stick? It’s called a yard-stick because it’s a stick that measures 1 yard. Go ahead and use it to measure things around the classroom.” Billy dutifully went around measuring everything he could find. The teacher asked, “So do you understand now?” Billy nodded and said, “Yes, a yard-stick measures things that are 1 yard long, like my desk. And a foot-stick would measure things that are 1 foot long, like my shoe. So a mile-stick would have to be really, really long!”
23. Jenny was baking a cake for the first time on her own. The recipe called for 1/4 cup of sugar. Not knowing how much that was, she grabbed the yardstick from the drawer and measured out 12 inches of sugar. When the cake came out of the oven as a sugary brick, her mom explained the difference between a yard, feet, and cups of measurement. Jenny remarked “Well the recipe should have been more specific!”
24. Gary was an eccentric professor who carried a yardstick with him everywhere. In lectures he would point vigorously at the blackboard with the yardstick, use it as a pretend sword, even occasionally pull it out as a makeshift conductor’s baton. One day after class, a student came up to Gary and asked, “Professor, I’ve always wondered why you carry that yardstick with you. Is there some special reason?” Gary chuckled and responded sagely, “It keeps me in line!”
25. Martha was spring cleaning and found an old yardstick tucked away in the hall closet. As she held it gently in her hands, memories came flooding back. She reminisced about her third grade art class, calculating fabric yardage in home economics, and weekend DIY projects with her late husband. The yardstick brought back so many fond memories. She decided she would keep it in the kitchen drawer from now on, as a reminder of happy times from long ago.
26. The courtroom was abuzz for the infamous Yardstick Murder Trial. As the prosecution laid out their meticulous case, they revealed how the yardstick had callously been used to measure the precise dimensions needed to strike the fatal blow. The defense objected and demanded that the murder weapon be brought in as evidence. When the courtroom deputy retrieved the “murder weapon” and presented it before the judge, the courtroom erupted in laughter at the ridiculous notion that a simple yardstick could commit such a heinous crime. In the end, the real murderer’s conscience compelled him to confess after this comical case of mistaken yardstick identity.
27. Martha was an eccentric old woman who lived alone in a ramshackle house. The neighborhood kids thought she was a witch and were terrified of her. One day Joey, tempted by a dare, cautiously approached her front door. Before he could knock, the door creaked open and Martha peered out suspiciously. “What do ye want?” she croaked. Joey stammered, “My friends dared me to ask to borrow your…broomstick.” Martha’s face cracked into a toothless grin and she cackled, “Broomstick? The only stick ye’ll find in this house is a yardstick!” From that day on, Joey and his friends no longer feared Crazy Martha.
28. The first day of student teaching was nerve-wracking for Marissa. As she attempted to teach her 3rd grade class about measurements, disaster struck. Her meticulously prepared visual aids were ruined in a minor classroom flood. Left with just a single yardstick, she improvised a fun outdoor activity measuring things around the schoolyard. The delighted students scurried about measuring fence posts, grass, and even each other. At the end of class, Marissa overheard one student say excitedly “This was the best math class ever!” She realized you don’t need fancy teaching aids – just creativity and flexibility.
29. Harold was puzzled by the new world record 100 meter dash time of 9.58 seconds. He pulled out his trusty yardstick and calculated. “Let’s see…100 meters is about 109 yards. This guy ran that far in less than 10 seconds! That’s…super fast.” Harold shook his head in disbelief. He just had to see this sprinting phenom for himself. He immediately booked a trip to the next major track and field event. Upon arriving, Harold found a spot right beside the 100 meter track and eagerly awaited the big event. But when the sprinters exploded from the blocks in a blur of thundering speed, Harold’s yardstick just wasn’t fast enough to measure the lightning pace. “Wow,” Harold gasped, “that was even faster than I imagined!”
30. Little Timmy was so excited about starting first grade and feeling “so grown up”. His parents took him to buy school supplies, letting him pick out his very own big kid backpack and lunch box. Timmy’s eye was drawn to the colorful rulers and yardsticks. “I want one of those!” he exclaimed. “I’m going to have so much fun measuring stuff!” Ever eager to nurture his curiosity, Timmy’s parents agreed to the yardstick. For the rest of the day, Timmy proudly marched around measuring everything in sight, including the dog. His parents smiled thinking this yardstick may prove to be their best school supply investment yet.
Yardstick Puns
31. The construction crew needed to measure the foundation trench depth. The new guy grabbed a yardstick instead of a measuring tape and jumped right in, sinking up to his knees in mud. The foreman shouted, “Rookie mistake!”
32. I bought a yardstick made out of rubber. It’s bendable and stretchable, good for measuring curvy things, but I don’t trust it – it seems pretty shady to me.
33. I was hunting for buried treasure, following a treasure map’s directions paces east and paces north. Unfortunately, my yardstick compass broke and I got lost in the woods.
34. My yardstick and I entered a three-legged race. We ended up going our separate ways.
35. Did you hear about the new credit card sized mini yardsticks? Experts say its a measure taken too far.
36. I was feeling crafty so I bedazzled my yardstick with rhinestones. Now it’s a ruler fit for a queen!
37. Did you hear about the mobster who carried around a yardstick and called it his hit stick? He really meant business.
38. I was inspired and made a replica of the Eiffel Tower out of yardsticks and glue. You could say I went overboard with my model measurements.
39. The airline wouldn’t let me bring my yardstick on the plane as a carry-on. Too bad, it would have come in handy to measure leg room.
40. My yardstick got tired of being used and decided to start a band called The Measuring Sticks. Their songs have a good beat and you can dance 3 feet to them.
Yardstick One-Liners
41. Don’t ask me how long a meter is – I only speak yardstick.
42. I entered my pet snake into a limbo contest. He slithered under the yardstick no problem.
43. Yardsticks don’t kill people, people kill people.
44. Don’t waste money on a yardstick – just pace it off.
45. I tried to use a yardstick as a ninja weapon, but it didn’t have enough stick-to-itiveness.
46. Never trust a crooked yardstick or a bent ruler – they’ll give you faulty measurements.
47. Yardsticks may seem wooden and dim at first, but they’ll measure up given a chance.
48. Yardsticks don’t actually stick to yards – false advertising if you ask me.
49. I’m so smart I can instantly convert yards to meters in my head – no yardstick required.
50. Don’t bother stealing my yardstick, all the measurements are in my head.
Best Yardstick Jokes
51. At the county fair, Arnold entered the carrot growing competition. All the gardeners lined their carrots up side by side to be measured. Confidently, Arnold pulled out his trusty collapsible metal yardstick, specially designed to perfectly measure long vegetables and fruits. The judge was impressed and allowed Arnold’s high tech yardstick in lieu of the standard wooden ones. With precision, Arnold’s metal yardstick glided smoothly along the rows of carrots, tracking the measurements down to 1/16th of an inch. At the end, the results were clear – Arnold’s meticulously calibrated collapsible metal yardstick helped him take first prize in the fair!
52. Sharpay was inspecting the ballroom before the big dance competition. The shiny wood floor gleamed to perfection. She marked off the stage area with blue tape, carefully measuring the dimensions with a glittery pink yardstick. Satisfied with her measuring, she pivoted dramatically, sending up a cloud of dust. Sharpay gasped in horror as the dust settled into the fresh tape lines. The custodian appeared saying “No need to fret, I’ll clean it up.” He pulled out a matching pink feather duster and pirouetted around the floor, sweeping away the dust. With a smile, Sharpay gave him a thumbs up – she loved a tidy theater.
53. The elementary school art teacher gathered the students around a strange contraption. “I need a volunteer!” she said enthusiastically. Timmy’s hand shot up. “Come take a look at this.” She handed Timmy a yardstick. “Now watch what happens when you put the yardstick in this end and turn the crank.” As Timmy turned the crank, his eyes widened. Out the other end popped a wooden snake! The rest of the students oooohed and aaahhed at the magical yardstick snake. “This is called a wood lathe,” explained the teacher. “It’s how we make wooden objects from sticks and logs.” Timmy grinned from ear to ear, enchanted by the yardstick turned snake. After that day, art class was Timmy’s favorite.
54. Samantha was on a roll with her lemonade stand business. With carefully recorded sales in her notebook, she used her cash to purchase more lemons and sugar to keep up with demand. But trouble was brewing. Her older brother Jake noticed her stash of bills and helped himself to a few without asking. Samantha knew she had to safeguard her earnings. At the hardware store, she found the perfect solution – a lockbox with a yardstick for measuring the exact height, width, and depth of the box. With her earnings secured, Jake couldn’t steal her hard earned money. Thanks to her trusty yardstick, Samantha’s booming lemonade empire was protected.
55. The entire third grade gasped as the substitute teacher stumbled and fell headfirst into the trash can. Two helpful students rushed over and grabbed each end of the yardstick to try and pry him out. They pulled and pulled to no avail. Suddenly, the custodian burst into the classroom waving his hands. “Stop! You’ll injure him that way. Just give me a minute.” He gingerly helped the teacher back out and brushed him off. “Next time use the yardstick to brace yourself silly!” The sub was so grateful he gave the custodian a big hug. It just goes to show, when used properly, a yardstick can really save the day.
