91 Hilarious Waiter Jokes

Waiter Puns (25)

I asked the waiter what the soup of the day was, he said it was super salad. I said don’t you mean soup or salad? He said no, it’s super salad.

My waiter told me the fish special was salmon with a garlic cream sauce. I said that sounds crappie.
I told my waiter I wanted to order the Chicken Cordon Bleu. He said, “Don’t you mean Chicken Cordon Blue?” I said, “No, I want the chef to shout in French when my food is ready.”

The waiter asked if I wanted soup or salad. I said, “Super salad please.” He said, “I’m sorry, we don’t actually have a super salad.” I said, “That’s ok, I’ll just have the soup.”
I asked the waiter if the sushi was fresh. He said, “It’s so fresh, it’s still a little shellfish.”
My date complained that the waiter kept interrupting our conversation. I said, “Don’t worry, he is just serving us.”

I told the waiter I wanted my steak well done. He asked, “How well done sir?” I replied, “I want it congratulated!”
My waiter said he recommended the salmon. I said, “Oh I sea food what you did there.”
The waiter asked if I wanted my pizza cut into 6 or 8 slices. I said, “Better make it 6, I don’t think I can eat 8.”

I asked the waiter if the chef ever gets any complaints about the fish. He said, “No, it’s always batter than expected.”
My waiter told me the lobster bisque was award winning. I said, “It better be, at that bisque-uit price!”
The waiter asked if I wanted my steak well done. I said, “No, just say a few nice things about it.”

I told the waiter I wanted well-done steak. He asked me, “How well done?” I said, “Congratulations!”
I asked the waiter to taste the soup and let me know if it needed more salt and pepper. He said, “I don’t do seasoning ratings.”
The waiter asked if I wanted soup or salad. I said, “Whichever comes out hotter.”

I asked the waiter if the chicken was free range. He said, “It has the range to roam anywhere on the plate.”
The waiter asked how I wanted my steak cooked. I said, “On a stove.”
I asked the waiter if they had octopus. He said, “Sure, take a seat and we will bring you whatever you’d like.”

Waiter: How did you find your steak sir? Me: I just moved a few chips and there it was!
The waiter asked if we wanted dessert. I said, “The bill, please. We’re watching our waistlines.” My friend shouted, “No we’re not, bring us something chocolate!”
I asked the waiter, “Will my pizza be long?” He responded, “No sir, it will be round.”

Waiter: “How would you like your eggs?” Me: “Cooked, please.”
Waiter: “Would you care for dessert?” Me: “The bill, please – we’re watching our weight.” Friend: “No we’re not, bring us chocolate cake!”

Waiter One-Liners (20)

My waiter asked me how my meal was, but I was still chewing so I gave him a thumbs up. He said, “Oh no, you want another fork?”

Waiter: “This pasta is our chef’s specialty.” Me: “But I ordered a burger?”
Waiter: “Can I take your order?” Me: “No thanks, I brought it myself.”
The waiter offered freshly ground pepper and I sneezed. He said “I’ll just leave the grinder here.”

Waiter: “Would you like grated cheese on your pasta?” Me: “No thanks, it’s rude to cheese without asking.”
Waiter: “We only serve food here, sir.” Me: “That’s a relief because I only eat food.”
Waiter: “How would you like your steak prepared?” Me: “Lost at sea.”

Waiter: “Your bill, sir.” Me: “Thank you!” *pretends to write*
Waiter: “Your food will be right out.” Me: “Can you bring it left in instead?”
Waiter: “Is everything alright?” Me: “No, I’m still here waiting for my food!”

Waiter: “Breadstick?” Me: “No thanks, I’m not hungry enough to fight back.”
Waiter: “How’s the food?” Me: *full mouth* “Yeah it’s fine.”
Waiter: “I’ll be your server tonight.” Me: “Great, what are the specials?” Waiter: “Nothing, I’m just here to serve.”

Waiter: “Care for dessert?” Me: “No thanks, we’re watching our weight.” Friend: “No we’re not, bring chocolate!”
Waiter: “How would you like your eggs?” Me: “In a cake.”
Waiter: “What can I get for you?” Me: “A million dollars!”

Waiter: “Did you enjoy your meal?” Me: “No, you took it away before I finished!”
Waiter: “Any allergies I should know about?” Me: “Yes, I’m allergic to unreasonable restaurant prices!”
Waiter: “Will you be having wine this evening?” Me: “No thanks, I don’t like whining.”

Waiter: “How would you like your steak?” Me: “On a silver platter please!”
Waiter: “Can I take your plate sir?” Me: “No thanks, I’m still picking at it.”

Best Waiter Jokes (46)

A family walks into a restaurant and the waiter approaches their table. He hands them their menus and says, “I’ll give you a couple minutes to look things over. My name is Steve if you need anything.”

The dad opens his menu and scans it briefly. He closes it, looks up at the waiter and says, “Steve, could I get an order of wings to start and then I’ll have the porterhouse steak, medium well, baked potato with everything, and a house salad please.”

Steve smiles and nods, “Absolutely sir, I’ll go put that order in for you.”

The mom and kids stare at the dad bewildered. The mom says, “But honey, you haven’t even looked at the menu yet. How did you know what you wanted?”

The dad chuckles and says, “That was the third time Steve has waited on us this week. I didn’t want to confuse him by ordering something different.”
A family is enjoying dinner at a restaurant when their waiter approaches the table holding a birthday cake with lit candles. He starts singing “Happy Birthday” loudly in the middle of the restaurant.

The family stares blankly and says “I think you have the wrong table, it’s nobody’s birthday here.”

The waiter apologizes, takes the cake back to the kitchen and returns a few minutes later. He walks up casually and asks the dad “So how did you enjoy your steak sir?”

The dad replies “Oh it was delicious, one of the best steaks I’ve ever had!”

The waiter smiles and says “Great! Now let me just grab those birthday candles off your cake real quick…”
A husband and wife walk into a fancy restaurant for dinner. A waiter seats them and hands them their menus. After a few minutes the waiter returns and asks if they’re ready to order.

The husband says, “Yes, I’ll have your grilled salmon with asparagus.”

The waiter turns to the wife and asks “And for the lady?”

The wife sits for a minute looking unsure and then says, “I’m not sure, what do you recommend?”

Without hesitating the waiter responds, “Divorce.”
A family is at a restaurant and when the waiter comes to take their order, the dad says, “I’ll have the steak, medium rare please.”

The waiter asks “What sides would you like with that?”

The dad thinks for a second and says “How about some mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli please.”

The waiter says, “Excellent choice sir, I’ll put that order in for you right away.”

He then turns to the family’s young son and asks “And what can I get for you young man?”

The boy replies, “I’ll take the steamy brock-o-lee too please!”

A family is having dinner at a fancy restaurant. The young son keeps reaching across the table trying to sneak food off other people’s plates. The parents scold him and tell him to mind his manners.

The waiter approaches their table and the son quickly pulls his hand back and puts on his best behavior. The waiter asks if they’re enjoying their meals. The parents smile and say everything is excellent.

As the waiter starts to walk away, the son sticks his arm out again trying to sneak a french fry off his sister’s plate. Without looking back, the waiter quickly raps his hand with a fork and says “I’ve got my eye on you kid.”
A wife and husband are enjoying a meal at an upscale restaurant but the husband keeps sending his food back to the kitchen. First the soup is too cold, then his steak is overcooked, then his baked potato doesn’t have enough butter.

The wife apologizes to the waiter every time. “I’m so sorry, he’s usually not this picky.” The waiter smiles politely and says he understands.

When it’s time for dessert, the waiter approaches cautiously saying, “Is everything tasting alright this evening?”

The husband grins and says, “Oh yes, everything has been absolutely delicious.”

The waiter laughs and says “In that case, I’m afraid I don’t actually work here. I’m your wife’s divorce attorney.”
A dad takes his family out to a nice restaurant for dinner. When the waiter comes to take their order, the dad says “I’ll have your 6oz sirloin steak please.”

The waiter asks “Would you like a side with that?”

The dad replies “No thanks, this guy is pretty annoying but I don’t want to fight him.”
A waiter approaches a family’s table and asks the parents if everything is tasting okay. The mom replies, “Oh yes, our meals are wonderful, thank you.”

The dad says, “There’s only one problem. This pasta is a little limp.” And he holds up his limp noodle.

Their young son shouts “A little limp! Dad, your elbow is in my water!”

A family is out to dinner and when the waiter stops by their table, the son says “Excuse me, waiter. Do you think I could get a straw for my water?”

The waiter replies drily, “Straws are for the weak.” And he walks away.

The mom and dad exchange puzzled glances. After a minute, the waiter returns with the son’s dinner. As he sets the plate down he leans in close and whispers “Your pasta is here…the spaghetti.”
A waiter approaches the table to take a family’s order. The mom says, “I’ll have the Caesar salad to start please.”

The dad orders next. “Let me get the 8oz filet mignon, medium rare.”

The waiter then turns to the couple’s young daughter. “And for the little princess, what can I get you?”

The daughter smiles shyly and whispers to her mom, “I don’t know what to order.”

The mom whispers back, “Just order what Daddy ordered.”

So the daughter looks up at the waiter and says “I want the itty bitty filet mignon, medium rare please.”
A family goes out for dinner at a fancy restaurant. When the waiter comes to take their order, the mom kindly asks him to make a recommendation.

“The seafood alfredo is excellent,” says the waiter.

The mom smiles and says “That sounds perfect, I’ll have that.”

The dad orders next. “I’ll take the 12oz ribeye, medium.”

The waiter then looks to the couple’s young daughter and asks, “And what can I get for you miss?”

She shyly responds, “I’ll have the seafood fredo just like mommy.”

A family of four sits down at a restaurant and browses the menu. When the waiter comes to take their order, the mom opts for the house salad.

The dad orders next. “I’ll take the 16oz T-bone, please.”

The waiter then turns to their ten-year-old son. “And for you young man?”

The boy pauses to think for a minute. “I’ll have the T-bone just like Dad, except not as big.”

So the waiter asks, “Would you like the 12oz or 8oz T-bone?”

The boy thinks again and replies, “I’ll take the T-bone steak bite sized.”
A family goes out to eat for the dad’s birthday. When the waiter comes to take their order, they tell him it’s a special occasion.

“Well in that case, drinks are on the house tonight,” says the smiling waiter. “What can I get for the birthday boy?”

The dad orders first. “I’ll have the bacon cheeseburger, medium, with fries please.”

The waiter turns to the dad’s young daughter. “And for you miss?”

“I’ll have a bacon cheeseburger for my birthday like Daddy but no seeds on the bun please.”
A family is enjoying dinner at a nice restaurant when the dad’s cell phone rings. He picks up and starts talking loudly right there at the table.

“Oh hey Bill! No I’m just at dinner with my family…Uh huh, at that new place on Main Street. Yeah the food is pretty good here actually…No way! You have to try the steak, it practically melts in your mouth…”

The whole restaurant is staring as the dad continues his phone conversation. Finally the waiter walks up and drops the check on the table in front of him, then silently clears away all their plates.
A waiter approaches a family’s table for the third time and asks the father one more time