Lord of the Rings Puns
1. What do you call it when Gandalf takes a bath? A Wizard’s Cleansing!
2. Why was Frodo always tired? He had a heavy Baggins under his eyes.
3. Why did the Balrog get a job as a teacher? He wanted to rule over a class of the mines.
4. How do Hobbits pay their dinner bill? By leaving a Baggins of coins.
5. What did Bilbo Baggins say when he hosted a party? “Welcome to Baggins End!”
6. Why couldn’t Sam find Rosie at their wedding? She was Cotton behind someone in the crowd.
7. Why was Pippin always getting into mischief? He had Tookish tendencies.
8. What do you call an angry Ent? A cross Treant.
9. What do you call Elves who refuse to leave Lothlorien? Galadrimmers.
10. Why did no one want to buy a pony from Bill Ferny? His prices were a Rip-off.
11. How does Gandalf light up a room? He Wizards the lights on.
12. What do you call it when an Orc laughs? An Uruk-cackle.
Lord of the Rings One-Liners
13. I asked the store clerk if they had the Silmarillion, but it was returned to the void.
14. So I took the One Ring to the pawn shop and they said “We don’t accept invisibility items.”
15. Gandalf tried to book an Uber but when it arrived it was a Ford Fellbeast.
16. I got drunk and told the bartender “I’m not Aragorn, I’m just a man dressed as Strider.”
17. I ordered lembas bread on Amazon but they just sent me granola bars.
18. When I couldn’t find my keys I yelled “Accio car keys!” but turns out I’m not a wizard.
19. I told my wife “Nobody tosses a dwarf!” and she said “Please put down the cat.”
20. My friend said she was dressing up as an elf so I said “You shall not pass…as an elf!”
21. I entered a Lord of the Rings lookalike contest but turns out I’m more of a troll.
22. I tried to return my Palantir at Best Buy but they have a no Sauron policy.
Best Lord of the Rings Jokes
23. A hobbit, a wizard and a dwarf walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this, some kind of Lord of the Rings joke?”
24. What did the Green Dragon innkeeper say when Pippin didn’t pay his tab? “You shall not pass!”
25. Why don’t Orcs eat their vegetables? Because one does not simply walk into Mordoradish.
26. What do you call it when Gandalf hosts a radio show? A Wiz-cast!
27. Why does Legolas get straight A’s in archery class? He’s an elf of a marks-elf!
28. Did you hear Microsoft bought the rights to Shadowfax? They’re calling it Windows Neigh-ghghghgh!
29. What’s a Hobbit’s favorite social media app? MySpace!
30. Why does Sauron make the best sausages in Mordor? He puts an eye of Sauron in every batch!
31. What did Frodo say when he stubbed his toe on Mount Doom? “Sauron my foot!”
32. Why was Gollum so good at riddles? Because he had a tricksy brain!
33. Did you hear about the new Lord of the Rings theme park? It has Sméagol coasters!
34. What’s a Hobbit’s favorite snack? Shortbread!
35. Why did Gandalf make such a great social media influencer? Because he had a huge Wiz-ard following!
36. Why was Gimli always grumpy when traveling? He was going through a dwarf funk!
37. What’s a dwarf’s favorite exercise? Squat thrusts!
38. Why did Samwise Gamgee make such a great gardener? He had Sheer Grit!
39. Why couldn’t anyone understand Gollum? He always spoke in ridd-lish!
40. How does Legolas organize his photos? In elf-ums!
41. What did Bilbo yell when his stove wasn’t working? “Thorin my bacon!”
42. Why was Thorin so obsessed with gold? He had a coin addiction!
43. Why did Gandalf make such a great DJ? He could really wizard the tables!
44. What kind of music do Orcs listen to? Thrash Mordor!
45. Why did no one believe Merry had read Lord of the Rings? They thought he was just Pippin their leg!
46. What did Aragorn say when he stubbed his toe on Minas Tirith? “Gondor my foot!”
47. What do you call an angry entwife? A cross treant!
48. Why was Bilbo always chosen for hide and seek? Because he was an expert hobbit!
49. What do you call a Hobbit party boat? A Baggins cruiser!
50. Why did Frodo only eat half his dinner? He wanted to save the rest for elevensies!
51. Why did Gandalf make the best burglar? Because he was a wizard thief!
52. What kind of music do hobbits listen to? Hip hop!
53. Why did the balrog get sent to the principal’s office? For terrorizing the mines of moria!
54. Why does gandalf shop at ikea? To find bill-bo baggins furniture!
55. What did Bilbo yell when he couldn’t find his ring? “Where’s my precious?”
56. Why was Legolas always winning staring contests? He never blinked!
57. What do you call two hobbits sharing a ride? Carpool of the rings!
58. Why does Smaug have the cleanest teeth? Because he’s smaug-ing mouthwash!
59. What’s a hobbit’s favorite breakfast food? Second breakfast!
60. Why was Gandalf late to the hobbit reunion? He took a wiz-ardly long time getting ready!
61. What’s a dwarf’s favorite exercise machine? A pec press!
62. Why did Frodo take so long to return the ring? He wanted to procrastinate-or!
63. What’s Legolas’s favorite movie genre? Elfactual films!
64. Why couldn’t Merry ever keep a secret? He was always Pippin off his friends!
65. Why did Gandalf make the worst Uber driver? He kept talking about the scenic wizard!
66. What’s a hobbit’s favorite magazine? Cosmopoliten!
67. Why did Aragorn make the best gardener? He always kept the beds weed-free!