Teacher Puns
- Why was the math teacher late to school? She took the rhombus.
- Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were so bright!
- Why do teachers make good vampires? They have class.
- Why did the teacher put on rubber boots? She wanted to avoid shocking her students.
- Why are math teachers always so calm? They have a lot of patience.
- How do you make a teacher roll on the floor laughing? Tell him a funny school joke.
- Why did the teacher go to the beach? To test the water.
- Where do teachers go to relax? The faculty lounge.
- Why do teachers love Fridays? Because it’s the weak-end.
- What kind of shoes do art teachers wear? Sketchers.
Teacher One-Liners
- I told my teacher I wanted to be a historian when I grow up. She said, “That’s history!”
- Teacher: Remind me to never sell my house to you. Me: Why not? Teacher: You’d lowball me.
- Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn’t you? Me: Not really, I just aimed a little lower.
- Teacher: You have detention. Me: But I was framed! Teacher: Nice try, no paintings in my class.
- Teacher: Where’s your homework? Me: My dog ate it. Teacher: You don’t have a dog. Me: Then I certainly don’t have homework.
- Teacher: Did you hear the rumor about butter? Me: No I didn’t, spread it!
- Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Me: H I J K L M N O!
- Teacher: Correct your essay without any mistakes. Me: I finished it without any mistakes, teacher.
- Teacher: Did you get my email? Me: Oh no, I didn’t check my spam folder yet.
- Teacher: Pay attention! Me: I don’t have any change on me.
Best Teacher Jokes
1. The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?” Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'”
2. A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9′′. Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36′′. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third grade.” The teacher says to the principal, “May I ask him some questions?” The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment, “Legs.” Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, “Pockets.” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants” Teacher: What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Harry: I think I will go back to the first grade, teacher.
3. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part where the first pig was trying to accumulate building materials for his home. She read “…And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?'” Then the teacher asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?” One little boy raised his hand and said “I think he said ‘Holy %#$@! A talking pig!'” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
4. Little Johnny wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!”
5. One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class “What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?” Two children rose their hand. The teacher called on little Susie. Little Susie answered “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God”. “Very good” said the teacher. Then the teacher called on little Johnny. “Well I think your feet go to heaven first” Said little Johnny. The teacher replied “Why do you think that?” Little Johnny said “Because when you go to someone’s funeral they always say ‘His spirit has left his body'”
6. One afternoon, a teacher gives her class a ‘pop’ quiz. She walks around the classroom as the students work on the quiz, and happens to notice little Johnnie’s paper. He hadn’t written anything on it yet, so she asks him what’s up. He replies “I’m stumped right away with the first question. It says, ‘Name the four seasons of the year.’ How am I supposed to know that?” The teacher asks, “How old are you, Johnnie?” Johnnie says “I’m nine.” The teacher replies, “Well then, have you ever heard this little phrase before? ‘Spring, summer, autumn, winter’?” Johnnie’s eyes light up and he exclaims, “Oh yeah, I’ve heard that before!” He pauses for a moment, then continues, “But teacher, what are the names of the other two seasons?”
7. Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
8. The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?” She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said. “Very good! — Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth’?” Again, no response except from Little Akio: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” “Excellent!” said the teacher continuing, “Let’s try one a bit more difficult — Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country’?” Once again, Akio’s was the only hand in the air and he said: “John F. Kennedy, 1961.” The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.” She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.” “Who said that? — I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, “General MacArthur, 1945.” At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.’ The teacher glares around and asks, ‘All right! Now who said that?” Again, Little Akio says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.” Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!” Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit! If you say anything else, I’ll kill you!” Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004.” The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh crap, We’re screwed!” Little Akio said quietly, “The American people, November 6, 2012.”
9. Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!” The Teacher fainted.
10. A teacher said to her class, “Right, i’m going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red.” Little Jim replied, “It’s a plum miss.” “Very good! second one…This one is oval shaped and green.” Little Peggy replied, “It’s an apple miss.” “Well done! final one…This thing smells of perfume has a pointy end and is pink.” Little Johnny replied, “It’s the middle finger on your left hand miss!”
11. Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.
Vincent: You don’t know my father.
12. Student: Can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: It’s “May I go to the bathroom?”
Student: Thanks, but I’ll pass on the grammar lesson and hold it for now.
13. Teacher: Did you know the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
Student: Really? I can’t believe I’ve never looked that up before! Let me see…
*Student looks through dictionary*
Hey wait a minute…
14. Teacher: What’s the formula for water?
Student: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: That’s not what I taught you
Student: But you said it’s H to O
15. Teacher: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
16. Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher.
17. Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!
18. Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
19. Teacher: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
20. Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.
More Teacher Jokes
21. Teacher: Who else but Columbus discovered America?
Johnny: The Indians!
22. Teacher: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
Teacher: No, that’s wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
23. Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
24. Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!
25. Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
Millie: I is..
Teacher: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
Millie: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
26. Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
Louie: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
27. Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
28. Teacher: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
29. Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A teacher
30. A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9′′. Principal: “What is