Soldier Puns (14)
1. Why do soldiers make terrible dancers? They’re trained in combat, not combat boots!
2. Why don’t soldiers go on vacation? They’re on duty!
3. Why do soldiers wear camouflage? So they don’t get spotted on duty!
4. How does a soldier keep warm in the winter? With their infantry!
5. Why do soldiers eat MREs? Because it’s their ration.
6. Why are soldiers so punctual? They live their life according to regiment.
7. What do you call a gathering of soldiers? A battalion.
8. Why do soldiers make terrible gardeners? They’re trained to destroy bushes, not trim them!
9. Why couldn’t the soldier call his mom? He was in the no cell zone.
10. How do soldiers greet each other? With military precision!
11. What do you call a soldier who lost their rifle? Unarmed.
12. Why do soldiers hate litter? It leaves their base looking like a dump!
13. Why was the soldier late to work? He overslept on his watch.
14. What do you call a clumsy soldier on kitchen duty? A spatula!
Soldier One-Liners (16)
15. I asked an American soldier what the most difficult part of training was, apparently it’s the assault course!
16. I wanted to join the army, but I didn’t make the cut.
17. I tried to catch fog yesterday but mist.
18. The soldier had his car painted camouflage but can’t find it in the parking lot.
19. I ran into my old drill sergeant today, he seemed shocked that I wasn’t social distancing.
20. Soldier: “Sir, permission to leave the base this weekend.” Sergeant: “Denied, that’s an order soldier.”
21. What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a soldier.
22. How do you stop a soldier tank? Shoot the soldier driving it.
23. Why was the soldier exhausted after a day of battle? He was fighting for his life out there!
24. Soldier: “Reporting for duty, sir!” Officer: “Didn’t you hear? The war is over, soldier.”
25. What is a soldier’s favorite month? March!
26. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran.
27. How do you stop a tank? Shoot the soldier driving it.
28. Soldier: “Permission to speak freely, sir.” Officer: “Granted.” Soldier: “GET DOWN, GRENADE!!”
29. Why can’t the soldier telework? His commander says he lacks self-disciplinary.
30. I wondered why the soldier was marching outside my house, turns out it was just a parade.
Best Soldier Jokes (55)
31. A young soldier was making his first parachute jump. The sergeant walked up to him and said, “What are you going to do if that chute fails to open?” The young soldier replied, “Yell for all I’m worth.”
32. The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
33. The old soldier was finally retiring after many years of service, so his commander threw a party in his honor. He gave a long speech praising the dedication and bravery of the soldier, and at the end of it asked him, “Tell me soldier, looking back on your long career, if you could do it all over again, would you change anything?”
The soldier thought for a moment and replied, “Yes sir, this time I’d join the Air Force instead!”
34. An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!” So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?” “Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put up my white flag, the Arab tank put up his white flag. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”
35. A soldier ran up to a nun and said, “Please help! A group of terrorists kidnapped my wife and wants me to give them $100,000 or they say they will burn her alive in 24 hours!”
The nun replied, “I’m so sorry, how terrible! But I do not have $100,000.”
The soldier frantically pleaded, “Can you please just try to put together as much as you can and help me save my poor wife’s life?”
The nun thought for a moment and said, “Well maybe I can scrape together about $1000.”
The soldier hugged the nun and thanked her profusely, then paused and said… “Actually could you make that $10,000?”
Confused the nun asked, “Why the sudden increase, I thought your wife was only worth $100,000 to save her life?”
The soldier replied, “Yes that’s true, but I’d also really hate to burn that old hag alive for only $1000…”
36. During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised himself as a tree trunk and stood very still. An officer approached him, looked him over, walked around him several times. “You know,” said the officer, “You’re not fooling anyone.”
“Begging the lieutenant’s pardon,” said the private, “but the last squad that passed by didn’t even notice me.”
“Yes,” agreed the officer, “but they were New Yorkers.”
37. An airborne ranger was on a night mission over a remote area of Afghanistan. As the transport neared the drop zone, he peered out of the darkness and saw what looked like specks of light arranged as if to spell out a coded message. He notified the pilot who radioed headquarters to see if they could figure it out. Eventually, the reply came back, “Yes. It’s Afghan goat herders. They’re 100% friendly. The message reads simply: ‘Please supply us wool pants’.”
38. The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, take the simple phrase “secure the building”.
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
39. The old soldier had been shot multiple times in heroic battles. He was now retiring, and a reporter was interviewing him.
“Where were you shot the first time?” the reporter asked.
“In the leg,” said the soldier.
“And the second time?”
“In the shoulder.”
“And the third time?”
“In the chest.”
“So where are you going to live now you’ve retired from the army?”
“Well,” said the soldier, “the first place they look is always the leg.”
40. An Australian soldier, a handsome guy, was on leave in London during World War II. He went up to a very posh hotel and asked to use the toilet. The girl at the desk directed him to a large white door. After a few minutes, he came out and asked the girl for directions to the bathroom. The girl was confused and said “But sir, didn’t you just come from the bathroom?” The Aussie soldier laughed and said “No ma’am, that was the elevator!”
41. The reason the Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the Army practices chaos on a daily basis. A typical day in the Army:
5:00 am – Wake up call
5:30 am – Physical exercise
6:30 am – Breakfast
8:00 am – Parade
9:00 am – Battle Instruction
11:00 am – Lunch
12:00 pm – Drill
2:00 pm – Battle Instruction
4:00 pm – Retreat Parade
5:00 pm – Dinner
6:00 pm – Optional evening duties/training
10:00 pm – Lights out
This schedule allows for 3hrs of chaos to deal with the unexpected each day.
42. A young Army private arrives at Fort Bragg for his first day of training. He walks up to a group of hardened looking soldiers eating lunch in the Mess Hall and shyly says “Mind if I join you guys?” One of the soldiers looks up with an annoyed expression and replies “I bet you’re regretting enlisting now aren’t you?”
The young private is confused “What do you mean? This is my first day.”
“Exactly,” the soldier smirks. “Welcome to Hell kid.”
43. Three soldiers were boasting about which army was the toughest.
The British soldier said, “The British army is the toughest. To join we have to eat 20 boiled potatoes followed by 50 sit ups wearing a 30 pound backpack.”
The French soldier scoffed and said, “That’s nothing. To join the French army, you have to drink a bottle of wine and then swim 30 laps across a freezing lake – naked.”
The American soldier just shrugged and said, “To join the US army all you have to do is finish 8th grade.”
44. An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!” So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?” “Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put up my white flag, the Arab tank put up his white flag. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”
45. Why do Marines eat crayons? They’re not smart enough to know the difference between foods and art supplies.
46. How do you save a drowning Marine? Take your foot off his head.
47. The reason the Air Force ABUs have velcro pockets is that if they had buttons, their pilots would choke themselves.
48. What’s the smallest book in the world? “The Marine Corps Book of Knowledge”.
49. How many Marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes six generals to sign off on the equipment requisition form before he can get a new bulb.
50. Why did the Air Force separate the men’s and women’s dorms on opposite sides of the base? So the men wouldn’t have to travel too far for “visits”.
51. Why do Navy Sailors use condoms? To keep the fish from poking holes in the boat.
52. Why do they put Marines on Navy ships? Because sheep would be too obvious.
53. How do you confuse a Marine? Put him in a circular room and tell him to sit in the corner.
54. What’s the difference between the Army and the Boy Scouts? The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
55. Why did the Coast Guard enlist nudists as border patrol agents? So they could see if anyone was sneaking in.
56. A new Army recruit arrives on base and sees two Marines guarding separate entrances. He walks up to the first Marine and asks “How long have you been standing guard duty?” The Marine replies “Since Pearl Harbor. Now move along, you’re blocking my view.” The recruit walks over to the second Marine, who has a huge bushy beard. He asks the same question, and the Marine replies “Since the Discovery of America.” Surprised the recruit says, “Wow that’s a long time, your beard must have just grown and grown!” The Marine shouts back “FOR THE LAST TIME, IT’S CAMOUFLAGE FACE PAINT!”
57. Why do Marines like to wear crewcuts? It’s easy maintenance – they only have to wash and comb the one side.
58. A new Army private was unpacking his gear on his first day in the barracks. An older private walked up and asked if he needed any help. The new private said “Yes thanks! I can’t get my wall locker closed because of this duffel bag.” The older private looked at the tightly packed wall locker, reared back, and slammed his fist into the duffel bag. He handed the flattened bag back to the new private and said “There ya go buddy.” The new private said “Thanks! But what do I do with my clothes now?”
59. Why did the Air Force reject the new communications device? The instructions were too complicated – there were more than 6 steps.
60. Why does the new Navy ship have a glass bottom? So the crew can see the old Navy ship.
61. How is the Army like bacteria? They multiply by dividing.
62. Why did the Coast Guard have trouble recruiting new sailors? Their advertising focused too much on the “coast” and not enough on the “guard”.
63. Why do Marines have clean rooms? They stash everything in their wall lockers.
64. Why does the Army put cardboard in their boots? To avoid wearing them out while marching.
65. Why do soldiers eat MREs? Because they can’t cook anything else.
66. How are MREs and paratroopers alike? They both come in boxes and can be destroyed by impact.
67. Why did the Army Ranger cross the road? To get to the other side and establish a forward operating base.
68. Why does the Air Force have cool leather jackets? To match their aviator sunglasses and give them the confidence to hit on Army wives.
69. Why do Marines keep their MRE trash? So they have something to read later.
70. Why do Navy SEALs wear swim fins? In case they have to crawl ashore after their boat sinks.
71. How do you stop an Abrams tank? Shoot the Army soldier driving it.
72. Why does the Army spend so much on Viagra? To keep the Generals stood at attention for inspection.
73. Why do Marines grow mustaches? To be able to distinguish between each other and their girlfriends back home.
74. Why do Navy ships have barcodes on the side? So when they return to port the Coast Guard can scan them back in.
75. Why does the Air Force fly so many drones? Because robots don’t question orders.
76. How do you clear a room of Marines? Turn out the lights, they’re afraid of the dark.
77. Why are Army tents so cheap? Because they excel at cutting corners.
78. Why do Marines get Veterans Day off? So they can march