Scientist Puns (20)
1. I heard oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK.
2. Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second says “I’ll have some water too. But why’d you order it like that? We’re not at work.”
3. What do you call an acid with attitude? A-mean-o acid.
4. Why can’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.
5. I was going to tell you a chemistry joke, but I knew I wouldn’t get a reaction.
6. What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? HeHe
7. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? To win the No-bell prize!
8. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
9. I would tell you a joke about sodium, but Na..
10. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? It was two tired.
11. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
12. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
13. What do you call someone who loves math? An algebraic!
14. Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.? Because it has so many problems.
15. Why do scientists prefer older buildings? There are more floors to experiment on!
16. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
17. I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
18. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen!
19. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
20. Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Scientist One-Liners (20)
21. I have a degree in theoretical physics but I just can’t grasp the concept.
22. I was doing chemistry experiments with pickled herring but couldn’t cartier it out.
23. What do you call someone who dropped out of medical school? A sighin’tist.
24. The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking.
25. I tried looking up lighters in the encyclopedia but it was a matchless effort.
26. Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round and round. They decided to call it a day.
27. What did one plate say while looking at the other? Dinner is on me tonight.
28. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
29. My friend hated that we had to graph quadratic equations. She thought it was pointless.
30. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
31. Why was the equal sign so humble? Because it knew it wasn’t greater or less than anyone.
32. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
33. I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, then it hit me.
34. I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
35. Did you hear the one about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!
36. I heard there’s a new store called Moderation. They have everything there!
37. The Future, the Present and the Past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
38. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
39. Van Gogh’s family must have had artichokes at dinner all the time.
40. I avoided the sushi restaurant next door. It looked a little fishy to me.
Best Scientist Jokes (20)
41. A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting outside a cafe when two people walk inside. A few minutes later, three people walk out.
The physicist says, “Our initial measurement was incorrect.”
The biologist says, “They must have reproduced.”
The mathematician says, “If one more person goes inside then the building will be empty.”
42. What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
43. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.
44. A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting outside a house. Two people walk inside, and then a while later, three people walk out.
The biologist says, “They must have reproduced!”
The physicist says, “There must have been a measurement error.”
The mathematician says, “If one more person enters the house, it will be empty again!”
45. An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train heading north, and have just crossed the border into Scotland.
The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep in a field, and remarks, “How odd. Scottish sheep are black!”
The physicist rolls his eyes at the astronomer’s foolishness, and comments, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black.”
The mathematician gazes heavenward, and mumbles under his breath, “In Scotland, there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.”
46. A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to a conference. As the train stops at a station, both groups notice a brown cow standing in a nearby field.
“Look,” says one of the engineers. “The cow is brown. Therefore, all cows are brown.”
“No, no,” object the mathematicians. “There exists at least one cow, possibly more, which is brown.”
As the train resumes its journey, the engineers continue staring out the window at the cows standing in fields beside the tracks. Eventually, they pass by a small herd of black cows. Triumphantly, the engineers turn to the mathematicians and declare, “Ha! We were right after all! The cows are brown!”
To which the mathematicians calmly reply, “No, no. There exists at least one cow which is black.”
47. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter beer, and so on.
The bartender promptly pours two beers and says, “You guys ought to know your limits.”
48. A statistician is someone who will tell you, with 95% confidence, that there’s a 50% chance the dice are fair.
49. Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out “We got it!”
50. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
51. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
His wife asks impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl”?”
The logician replies: “Yes.”
52. A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.
The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician said “this is pointless” and stormed off
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.
The mathematician exclaimed on his way out “don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?”.
To which the engineer replied, “so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”
53. Descartes walks into a bar and the bartender asks “Would you like a drink?” Descartes replies “I think not” and disappears.
54. Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The cop asks “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies “No, but I know exactly where I was!”
55. Schrödinger is pulled over for speeding. The cop asks “Do you know how fast you were going?” Schrödinger replies “No, but I know exactly where I am!”
56. Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting “Oh crap, I forgot to feed the dog!”
57. Pavlov is getting on a train one day heading to the lab where he works with his dogs. As he’s boarding, he accidentally drops his ticket on the ground without realizing.
He goes to take his seat, and the conductor comes around to check everyone’s tickets. He gets to Pavlov and says, “Ticket please”. Pavlov reaches into his pocket but can’t find it. “Where’s your ticket?” the conductor asks again. Pavlov looks up at him and excitedly replies, “BELL!”
58. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material.
The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it’s a pretty good working solution.
The physicist comes next and makes a circular fence, arguing that it’s more efficient.
The mathematician thinks for a bit, then constructs a tiny fence around himself and declares, “I declare myself to be on the outside!”
59. A historian, an engineer and a physicist are asked: “Can you determine exact area of Russia?”
The historian researches all available sources, and makes the best guess possible: “Well, I’m pretty sure Russia’s area is between 1 and 2 million square miles.”
The engineer takes out a map, and uses some calculations to determine: “The area of Russia is about 1.5 million square miles.”
The physicist smiles and says: “The area of Russia is exactly 1 million square miles.”
The others look puzzled, so the physicist takes out a marker and draws a circle around himself and says: “I now define this circle to be Russia!”
60. An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician get stranded on a deserted island. They find a few cans of food that washed ashore but no can opener.
The engineer says “Maybe we could bash the cans open with a rock”.
The chemist suggests “We could heat the cans in the sun to make the tops pop off”.
The mathematician thinks for a bit and says “Okay. First, assume we have a can opener…”
