Russia Puns
1. I heard Russia is thinking of changing its name to USB-R. That way they can take over all ports.
2. Why does Russia excel at chess? They’ve been practicing cold war tactics for years.
3. Russia wanted to enter the European baking contest, but kept getting rejected. They finally realized they kneaded to stop Stalin and Russian to conclusions.
4. Why don’t vampires hunt in Russia? There’s not enough blood circulation.
5. Russia is considering changing their currency again. This time to rubles and cents.
6. Did you hear about the new Russian vacuum cleaner brand? It’s called Cyka Blyat!
7. I heard Adidas is suing Russia over their similar looking tracksuits. It’s a tracksuit trademark dispute.
8. Why did Russia cross the road? To get to the other side of Ukraine.
9. Did you hear about the new TV show about the history of Russian leaders? It’s called Dictatorship of the Proletariat.
10. Why do Russians excel at playing Tetris? They have a lot of experience with organizing blocks.
11. Russia tried to enter Eurovision but was rejected because their song was 172 verses too long.
12. Did you hear about the new Russian dating app? It’s called Soviet Soulmates.
Russia One-Liners
13. Vodka is just Russian water.
14. In Russia, election votes for you.
15. In Soviet Russia, corruption exposes you!
16. What do you call a parade in Russia? A tank you celebration.
17. Why did the Russian man keep checking his drink? He was worried about being poisoned.
18. How do you stop a Russian tank? Ask nicely, but keep a Molotov cocktail ready just in case.
19. Why do Russians hate going uphill? It’s a long way to the top if you wanted to rock and roll.
20. How do you bankrupt a Russian oligarch? Freeze their assets.
21. What do you call a line in Russia? A cue.
22. Why does Russia have so many nuclear weapons? Because you can’t write ‘friendship’ in the sky with conventional bombs.
Best Russia Jokes
23. An American and a Russian were comparing their freedoms. The American said, “I can march right up to the White House gates and shout ‘Down with President Biden!’ and nothing will happen to me.” The Russian replied, “I can also march right up to the Kremlin and shout ‘Down with President Biden!’ and nothing will happen to me either.”
24. A Russian, a Frenchman and an American are debating which country has the bravest soldiers.
The American says, “Our soldiers are so brave, they would storm beaches under heavy enemy fire without hesitation.”
The Frenchman responds, “That’s nothing, our soldiers are so brave, they would parachute behind enemy lines on dangerous missions without question.”
The Russian scoffs and says, “That’s weak! Russian soldiers are so brave, they’d rather shoot their own officers than go to the front lines.”
25. An American and a Russian were bragging about their submarines. The American said, “Our submarines are so advanced, they can stay underwater for months without resurfacing!”
The Russian said, “That’s nothing. Our submarines are so advanced, they can resurface without staying underwater!”
26. An American banker was visiting Moscow and was shocked by the poor living conditions he saw. At lunch with a Russian banker he said, “How can you live like this? In America, even our poorest citizens have refrigerators, color TVs and cars.”
The Russian replied, “Yes, we Russians know. We have all seen it on your telemetry satellites.”
27. An American contractor working in Moscow was arrested by the KGB and charged with spying. At his tribunal he was allowed a defense. “I’m just a contractor installing new bathrooms for the Kremlin!” he pleaded. “I thought fixing the Politburo’s toilets was classified as espionage?”
28. Ivan was struggling to decide what career he should pursue. He went to the USSR’s job office and spoke with the agent. Ivan said, “I am trying to decide between being a doctor, a firefighter, or a police officer.” The agent replied, “Ivan, in the USSR we all serve the state in whatever way we are told. Now get back to work in the wheat field.”
29. An American and a Russian were arguing about their countries. “In America,” said the American, “we have freedom of speech. I could stand on the White House lawn and shout ‘Death to President Biden!’ and nothing would happen to me.”
“Big deal,” said the Russian. “I too can stand outside the Kremlin and shout ‘Death to President Biden!’ Nothing would happen to me either.”
30. What do you call the Russian political opposition? The passengers of flight MH17.
31. An American politician, a British politician and a Russian politician are arguing about whose bodyguards are the most loyal.
The American says, “Watch this.” He calls his bodyguard over and shouts “I hate you!” The bodyguard doesn’t react.
The British politician says, “That’s nothing. Watch this.” He calls his bodyguard over and shouts “I despise you! You’re the worst person I know!” The bodyguard stays calm and silent.
The Russian politician scoffs and says “That’s weak, watch this.” He calls his bodyguard over and shouts “I’m thinking of defecting to the Americans!” Immediately, the bodyguard shoots him dead.
32. An American comes home to find his house broken into and robbed. He calls the police who arrive 2 hours later, take a report and promise to investigate. The next day his Russian friend calls to ask how he’s doing after the break-in. “Terrible,” says the American, “they stole everything.”
“I’m so sorry,” says the Russian, “if that happened here, the police would have come immediately to arrest you and investigate how you got so much valuable property in the first place.”
33. A Russian dictator wakes up one morning and steps outside, inhaling deeply. He smiles and declares “Ah, the smell of freedom and democracy in the morning!” His assistant asks, confused “But sir, it is only the morning fog.” The dictator frowns and replies “Yes, that’s what I said, the smell of fog.”
34. An American tourist in Moscow was surprised to wake up one morning and see Soviet tanks rolling down the street outside his hotel. He called down to the front desk and asked “Why are there tanks in the streets?” The desk clerk sighed and said “Sometimes it helps to read more than just the first page of your history book.”
35. An American businessman was sitting in a Moscow hotel, talking to a Russian man he had befriended at the bar. As they drank more vodka, the American’s tongue loosened. “I’ll tell you, there are some things in Russia that are better than in America!” he admitted. “Oh really?” said the Russian excitedly, “Like what??”
“The tap water!” said the American.
36. An American tourist traveling by train in Siberia came back from the dining car utterly dismayed. “What’s wrong?” asked her husband. “It’s not fair!” she cried. “All the Russians were giving me dirty looks and muttering insults about Americans.”
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” consoled the husband. “After all, we can badmouth them all we want back home and nothing happens to us!”
37. An American businessman was in Moscow negotiating a deal with the Soviet trade ministry. After weeks of tough talks, he finally lost his patience. He stood up angrily, walked to the window, opened it, and shouted “In America, we have freedom of speech! I can stand in Washington and criticize the White House all I want!”
A Soviet official replied, “Sure, but in Russia, we have even more freedom than in America! You can stand right here in Moscow and criticize the White House too!”
38. A Russian couple had lived fulfilling lives and were happily married for 50 years. On their anniversary, they recalled the hard times, including Ivan’s alcoholism. Though he hit rock bottom, he got help and had been sober for decades. On this special day, Ivan pulled his wife close and soberly said “I’m so glad I got off the Vodka.” She hugged him back with tears in her eyes and said “Me too – if only I had done it sooner, it would have saved me years of suffering with you.”
39. An American and a Russian soldier face off in a bar brawl. The American swings first, punching the Russian in the face. But the Russian doesn’t even flinch. He just smiles and says “In Russia, we are trained to endure hits.” The American angrily punches again and again, but the Russian won’t go down. Exhausted, the American gives up and admits defeat.
The Russian grins and adds “Also, I drink a lot of vodka.”
40. At the United Nations, an American representative asserted to a Russian diplomat that the US was still the most powerful nation on earth. The Russian replied “Yes, I’m sure you still think that yourselves.”
41. What’s the difference between Russian elections and American elections? Russian elections have only one candidate. American elections have one party with two candidates that represent the same oligarchic interests.
42. A Russian man is telling his friend about his recent vacation abroad. “I went on holiday to America and saw that the CIA is watching all citizens! Then I went to China and saw the CCP monitors everyone! I came back home and now realize Russian police by comparison seem almost reasonable!”
43. “In America, we have advanced meteorology and can accurately predict storms” says an American to his Russian companion. “Ha! In Russia we don’t need to predict bad weather,” replies the Russian, “It’s always the same – cold, gray, and bleak.”
44. A Russian couple gets pulled over by the police. The cop asks the husband “Have you been drinking tonight?” The husband replies “No officer, I’m the designated violinist.”
45. An American and a Russian were comparing levels of corruption in their countries. The American started, “Our politicians are so corrupt that billions of dollars end up wasted or missing.”
“That’s nothing,” replies the Russian, “Our leaders are so corrupt they can make billions of dollars disappear without a trace, even entire oligarchs.”
46. Why did the Russian man keep checking the corner while talking to his friend? He wanted to make sure no KGB agents were listening in.
47. An American and a Russian are comparing price levels. The American says “In the US, bread costs $2, milk costs $3, and gasoline is $4 per gallon.” The Russian replies “Incredible, in Russia the prices are exactly flipped – Gasoline is $2 per gallon, milk is $3, and bread is $4.”
48. A Russian officer storms into Putin’s office and yells “Mr. President, the peasants are revolting!” Putin calmly replies “Yes I know, they stink like vodka, but we can’t exactly wash them.”
49. A Russian couple gets pulled over by the police. The officer asks the husband “Have you been drinking tonight?” The husband replies “No officer, I’m the designated briber for tonight.”
50. An American and a Russian are debating who has more political influence. The American claims “In the US, corporate lobbyists have all the power!” The Russian retorts “In Russia, the mafia has the real power over politics.” They both pause and realize – “Seems like same thing.”
