Police Puns (15)
1. What do you call a lazy police officer? A cop-out.
2. Why do police officers make great dancers? They know all the hip hop spots.
3. Why did the police officer pull over the ghost? He didn’t have a haunting license.
4. What do you call a police officer who works at Starbucks? A coppuccino.
5. Why can’t you tell a joke about the police in the forest? They’ll arrest you for illegal logging.
6. Why did the police officer ticket the tree? It was being a shady character.
7. Why are police stations so good at trivia? They’re full of cop-stables.
8. How do police officers organize a party? They send out invitations and hope someone RSVPs.
9. Why don’t police investigate stolen bikes? They have nothing to go on.
10. What do you call a detective pony? Sherlock Colt.
11. What do you call a cop who arrests kleptomaniacs? A pickpocket.
12. How do police officers stay connected? Through radio waves.
13. Why do police avoid restaurants? They don’t want to get served.
14. What do you call cops who investigate stolen bread? The Long Arm of the Loaf.
15. Why are police officers terrible dancers? They have two left feet.
Police One-Liners (10)
16. I asked the police officer if I could step away from the car, so he assisted me by tasing me.
17. I was arrested for resisting arrest without being arrested in the first place.
18. I thought I was going to jail but the police officer just wanted to sing “Bad Boys” with me.
19. The police station is now offering a “frequent liar” rewards program.
20. The police officer pulled me over and said, “papers?” I said “scissors,” and drove off.
21. I asked the police officer if he could take off his sunglasses, but he said he’s on an undercover mission.
22. The police station toilet got stolen…they have nothing to go on.
23. I asked the police officer if clowns could get arrested. He said, “Yeah, they can get picked up for funny business.”
24. I was fined by a police officer for wasting police time. I said “You’re wasting more time fining me!”
25. I got arrested because I had too much pizza. The cop said I was in possession of more than ten pot pies.
Best Police Jokes (20)
26. A police officer pulled over a driver and asked for his license and registration. The driver said, “I’m very sorry officer, but I’m a magician, that’s why I was swerving all over, I was practicing my disappearing trick.” The officer said, “Well show me.” So the man tapped the officer with his wand and said “Abracadabra!” And then the man disappeared without a trace. The officer said “Good grief, I think that guy was actually a magician, it looks like he vanished into thin air!” Then the officer heard the man yell “VROOOM VROOOM” as he drove quickly away.
27. A police officer sees an old woman carrying two large sacks and struggling to get to the other side of the road. He goes up to her and says, “Here, let me help you across the street.” She replies, “Oh that is so nice of you, thank you! I’m just carrying vegetables from my garden over to my daughter’s house.” As they cross the street, he realizes the bags are much lighter than he expected. He asks, “Excuse me, ma’am, I can’t help but notice your bags are very light. Are you sure you’re carrying vegetables?” She replies, “Why yes, officer! You see, I grew beets this year!”
28. A police officer knocked on my door this morning, he said “Mr. Smith, it’s your neighbor downstairs. She says she has water leaking from her ceiling could be coming from your apartment.” I thanked the officer and shut the door. I went to the kitchen, sure enough the neighbors cat was laying on the counter next to the sink.
29. A police officer sees a truck driver barreling down the highway with a huge load of logs. He pulls the truck over and says “Hey there, I need to inspect your cargo before you go any further.” The truck driver says “Sure thing, here are all the documents for my load.” The officer looks them over for a few minutes, hands them back to the driver, and says “Alright, your paperwork checks out, but I still need to make sure these logs are secure. Can’t take any risks out here.” So the officer climbs up and knocks on the logs three times. From within the logs a voice calls out “FREEZE, POLICE!”
30. A police officer was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and was startled to see a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver’s seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. The officer stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver’s window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “Yes, officer?” The officer asked “What are you doing?” The young man responded, “I’m reading this magazine.” Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, “And what is she doing?” The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.” The officer continued, “How old are you?” The young man said, “I’m nineteen.” “And how old is she?” The young man looked at his watch and said, “Uh, she’ll be sixteen in twenty minutes.”
31. A police officer sees a clown walking down the street with a dog. He stops the clown and says “Hey, it’s illegal to own a dog in this town without a license.” The clown says “I didn’t know officer! I’ll get a license for my dog right away.” The officer says “Also, you need to tie your balloon animals up so they don’t fly away.” The clown says “But officer, these are real dogs!” Then he lifted up one of the balloon dogs and popped it with a pin. The officer shook his head and said “Alright wise guy, get in the car.”
32. A police officer pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. The officer walks up to the car and asks “Have you been drinking?” The driver replies “Why yes, I’ve had a few beers.” The officer asks “Well how many?” The driver responds “Oh I’d say about a six pack.” The officer pauses, and asks “You realize I’m talking about actual drinks, not the amount you’ve had to drink?” The driver smiles and says “Oh! Then yes I’ve had 5 actual beers.”
33. A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passengers had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.” The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down. “Well, did you see this happen?” “Yes,” motioned the monkey. “What happened?” The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. “They were drinking?” asked the officer. “Yes.” “What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. “They were smoking marijuana?” “Yes.” “Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, and smoking marijuana before they wrecked.” “Yes” “What were you doing during all this?” “Driving” motioned the monkey.
34. A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding but the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.” The guy thinks for a few seconds and says, “Years ago my wife ran off with a cop and I was afraid you were bringing her back.” The officer replied, “Have a good evening, sir.”
35. A police officer sees a young kid smoking weed at a park. He slowly approaches him from behind and says “Son… is that marijuana I smell?” The kid quickly puts out the joint, turns around nervously and says “Umm no sir, it’s just some ordinary tobacco.” The cop pats the kid on the back and says “Listen up kid, I know very well that’s marijuana, but it’s my day off and I honestly don’t feel like taking you in. Just be careful and go on home.” The kid lights up a new joint and says “That’s cool dude, here, want to join me for a toke?” The officer quickly slaps the joint out of the kid’s hand, slams him up against the tree and handcuffs him. “Hey man, what gives??!” the kid asks, “I thought we were cool!” The cop says “We WERE cool… until you called me DUDE.”
36. A police officer sees an elderly woman carrying two large sacks and struggling to get to the other side of the road. He goes up to her and says, “Here, let me help you across the street.” She replies, “Oh that is so nice of you, thank you! I’m just carrying some old clothes and books over to the thrift shop.” As they cross the street, he realizes the bags are very light. He asks, “You sure have a lot of empty space in these bags, is it just clothes and books?” She replies, “Why yes, officer! But you see, I’ve lived a long, full life.”
37. A police officer on patrol sees two men with ski masks leaving a convenience store with a bag. He goes up to them assuming it’s a robbery but before he could say anything, one of the men say “Look officer, I know this looks bad but we are not robbing this store.” The cop looks inside the bag and sees empty candy wrappers and chocolate stains. He says “Then what were you doing if not stealing?” The other guy responds “We were robbing a bank across the street but stopped here because we were feeling peckish!”
38. A police officer sees a man driving past with a South American parrot on his shoulder. He pulls over the driver and says “You can’t drive with that bird on your shoulder, it’s unsafe.” The parrot squawks “I’m not a bird I’m his attacker!” The officer looks confused, so the driver explains “Sorry about that officer, but this parrot was trained by my brother who has a weird sense of humor. He taught her to say silly things like that.” The officer laughs and says “Ah I see. Well drive safe!” As he walks back to the squad car, the parrot says “Quick drive, I have the drugs under my feathers!”
39. A police officer stops a man who ran a stop sign and asks to see his license. The man frantically searches his pocket and accidentally pulls out a bundle of cash, a pistol, and then finally his license. The cop asks “Sir, are you aware you just ran that stop sign?” The man replies “I’m so sorry officer, I’m just a little frazzled today, you see normally I’m a very safe driver.” The cop shakes his head and says “It’s okay, just be more careful next time.” He starts walking back to his car when the man shouts “Actually officer now that I think about it, maybe I was running drugs and this is an illegal gun. You should probably arrest me.” The cop turns around and says “Nice try, just drive safe.”
40. A police officer pulls over a car and approaches the driver’s window. Inside he sees five old ladies staring back at him. The driver says “Officer, I don’t understand why you pulled me over! I was doing the exact speed limit.” The officer says “This isn’t about speeding, the reason I pulled you over is because you have five elderly women crammed in the back, that’s unsafe! Did you even look at your rear view mirror?” The old lady says “Oh I don’t use it anymore.” The officer says “Well that’s very dangerous, you could get into an accident. I’m going to let you off with a warning, but you need to start using your mirrors.” The old lady says “I’ll try officer, but I haven’t been able to see out of my rear view mirror for 15 years now.”
41. A police officer is patrolling an empty road when he sees someone drive by in a car with all the windows fogged up. He pulls the car over and approaches. The man rolls down the window and the officer is shocked to see five people squished into the backseat. “Sir, I had to stop you. This is very unsafe to drive with all those people crammed in the back!” The driver says “Oh don’t worry officer, we’re all very close friends.” The cop responds “I don’t care if you’re friends or not, this is illegal and downright dangerous!” The driver thinks for a moment and says “Alright you got me, we just robbed a jewelry store and I had to fit all the thieves back here in a hurry!” The officer steps back, puts his hand on his holster and calls for backup.
42. A police officer sees a vehicle swerving all over the road and forces the car to pull over. When the officer approaches the driver’s window he sees a sweet elderly woman knitting a sweater. Looking at her carefully the officer notices she has a voluntary breath-alcohol detector strapped to her finger. He looks again at all her stuffed animals and then the drink detector before speaking “Ma’am, I’m afraid you’re swerving down the road while under the influence.” She quickly replies “Oh, heavens no young man, I would never! I haven’t had any alcohol today, it’s this confounded breathalyzer of mine, it keeps saying random numbers and distracting me.” The officer smiles, nods and says “Try taping it to your visor and have a good day ma’am.” As the officer returns to his vehicle he mumbles under his breath, “Clever idea grandmother.”
43. A police officer sees a semi truck that appears dangerously overloaded. He pulls the truck over and says to the driver “I need to see what you’re hauling here before you go any further.” The driver steps out and they walk to the back of the truck. The officer removes the tarp covering the cargo and is baffled when he sees nothing but empty boxes. “What are you up to here?” asks the officer. “Well I’m delivering these empty boxes to the new appliance store across town,” says the driver. The officer responds “But why would you need all these huge empty boxes?” The driver scratches his head and says “Hmm good point, I guess I don’t really need all of them!” After thinking for a moment, he continues “Alright you got me officer, I actually loaded up all these boxes to smuggle illegal drugs across state lines.” The officer’s jaw drops as he calls for backup.
44. A police officer sees a man driving a car with a giant orange traffic cone wedged on top. He pulls the driver over and says “Sir, you can’t drive with that cone on your vehicle, it’s very unsafe and obscures your view!” The man replies “Oh I know that officer, but my friend is very drunk and when I drove him home I wanted to make sure he made it inside his apartment okay. So I put the cone on top so I could track which balcony he walked into.” The cop says “Sir, you can’t just take city property like that, this is unacceptable!” The man thinks for a moment and says “You’re right officer, I don’t know what I was thinking. The truth is I just robbed a bank and was using this traffic cone so police like you would pull me over!” The officer’s jaw drops as he calls for backup.
45. A police officer sees a car driving at night with the interior lights on and two occupants fumbling around inside. Concerned, he pulls the car over. Approaching the driver’s side he sees an elderly couple inside. “What’s going on here?” asks the officer, peering inside. “Oh nothing officer just looking for our glasses” says the old man. The officer replies “Well it’s very unsafe to drive with the interior lights on like this.” “You’re absolutely right” says the old woman. “I guess we should have thought of something better after robbing that liquor store back there. At our age it’s just so hard to see at night!” The officer steps back in shock, calling for backup.