Philosophy Puns (20)
1. I Kant even understand some of these philosophy puns.
2. Don’t Decarte before you cogito.
3. My friend became a solipsist, now he doesn’t think I exist.
4. Philosophers kögito ergo sum tired of philosophy puns.
5. I made a philosophy pun in class yesterday but nobody Gott it.
6. I was Plato make a philosophy pun, but I decided it was too Abstruse.
7. My philosophy professor told me my arguments lacked Logos. I said “That’s just, like, your opinion, man.”
8. I tried to explain John Stuart Mill’s philosophy to my friend, but it Utilitarian on deaf ears.
9. I’m writing my philosophy dissertation on baking. It’s going to be a pie thesis.
10. I tried to explain philosophical skepticism to my friend, but he was Descartes it.
11. My philosophy paper was too long, so I had to Kant it down a bit.
12. Reading philosophy books can really Marx your brain.
13. I was going to tell a joke about solipsism, but I’m sure you’d think it’s all about you.
14. A philosopher walks into a bar. The bartender says “You Hegel to be kidding me.”
15. Did you hear about the philosophy student who studied in the nude? He was a strip moralist.
16. What do you call an endless argument between philosophers? A Nietzschechev Chain.
17. What’s a philosopher’s favorite kind of music? Rati-onalia!
18. My friend thinks he’s Aristotle. I keep telling him “That’s just not Plausible.”
19. I was going to make a joke about dialectical materialism, but I Marx my chance.
20. I’m writing my dissertation on baking desserts. It’s going to be a pie thesis.
Philosophy One-Liners (10)
21. I think, therefore I yam.
22. Cogito ergo zoom.
23. You can tune a guitar, but you can’t Heidegger.
24. Epictetus? I ‘ardly knew ‘im!
25. Kierkegaard your belongings when traveling.
26. I Kant believe you made me read that.
27. Philo sophy? More like BYE-lo sophy. Amirite?
28. You scholar, me gentleman.
29. Existentialism? I bartend, therefore I am.
30. I’m done with Husserling your feelings.
Best Philosophy Jokes (25)
31. A philosophy professor walks into class and puts a chair on top of the desk. He then asks the class, “Using the principles of logic, prove that this chair does not exist.” One student replies, “What chair?”
32. What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”
33. A philosophy major walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?” The philosophy major replies, “I’m thinking… I’m thinking…”
34. Why was the Existentialist late to work? Because he had to contemplate whether or not the job really mattered in an absurd universe full of suffering where we’re all just biding time until death. Oh, and he stopped for coffee.
35. A philosophy professor is lecturing his class. “So you see,” he says, “there’s no objective reality. Anything and everything we see is just a whirl of perceptions bombarding our skull. I like to demonstrate this principle in class with the help of my TA, Steve.” The TA gets up with a hammer and walks towards the professor. “Is Steve going to hit me with that hammer?” the professor asks. A student calls out “No way, it’s all subjective!” Steve smashes the professor over the head with the hammer. The professor blacks out for a moment, then wakes up and says “As you can see class, I am bleeding. This is objective reality.”
36. An ontologist, a deontologist, and a moral nihilist walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll y’all have?” The ontologist says, “I’ll have a beer, I guess.” The deontologist says, “I have a moral duty to avoid inebriation, I’ll just have a club soda.” The moral nihilist says, “Morality is meaningless, get me six shots of tequila.”
37. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective meaning in a netherworld of endless absurdity and despair.
38. What’s the difference between a moral particularist and a moral generalist? The moral particularist believes that the correctness of an action depends on the details of the specific situation. The moral generalist believes that correctness stems from universal moral principles. And the moral relativist says, “Dude, like, morals are whatever, man.”
39. Why do existentialists make bad Uber drivers? Because when you ask “How do I get to the airport?” they respond “Is arriving at any destination truly possible in an absurd, godless universe?”
40. A logician walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Would you like a beer?” The logician replies “I don’t know.”
41. What’s the difference between an analytic philosopher and a continental philosopher? The analytic philosopher says “The sentence ‘snow is white’ is true if and only if snow is white.” The continental philosopher says “The signifier ‘snow’ operates within an always-already racialized matrix of power and language.”
42. A philosopher, a mathematician, and a economist are stranded on a desert island. They find a can of beans but no can opener. The philosopher says “We reflect on the dual nature of the beans.” The mathematician says “Let’s estimate the number of beans.” The economist says “Okay guys, let’s just assume we have a can opener.”
43. Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says “Would you like a drink?” Descartes replies “I think not” and disappears.
44. An ethicist, a deontologist, and a moral relativist are arguing over the morality of lying. The ethicist says lying is sometimes permissible if it brings about a greater good. The deontologist says lying is always morally wrong, regardless of the consequences. The moral relativist says “Dude, if you think lying is okay, then it’s okay… for you, man. But maybe not for someone else. Whoa…”
45. Why does John Stuart Mill wear earplugs? So he can avoid the tyranny of the yellers.
46. What do you get when you cross Jeremy Bentham with John Stuart Mill? Utilitarianism.
47. Immanuel Kant was leading a discussion on metaphysics. He asked the class if they had any critiques of the categories of understanding or his transcendental idealism. A student raised his hand and said “I Kant.”
48. Jean-Paul Sartre sits down at a cafe and orders a coffee with no cream. The waiter replies, “I’m sorry sir, we’re out of cream. How about with no milk instead?”
49. Gottfried Leibniz walks into a bar and sits down. He tells the bartender, “I’ll have an ale, or I won’t have an ale, it doesn’t really matter. I’m just one of an infinite number of possible Gottfried Leibnizes in an infinite number of possible bar universes.”
50. Why did David Hume wear mittens when he went out? In case he had to handle induction.
51. Rene Descartes is sitting in a cafe when the waitress asks if he’d like anything. “I think not” he replies, then disappears.
52. Why does Nietzsche work out so much? Because what doesn’t kill him makes him stranger.
53. What do you get when you cross Socrates and Plato? Plato-nick questions.
54. Why do ethical subjectivists make the best husbands? Because they know it’s all relative.
55. A logician’s wife tells him to go to the store. “Get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen.” The logician returns with 12 gallons of milk. His wife asks, “Why did you get so much milk?” He responds: “Because they had eggs.”
