Pee Puns
1. I was going to tell a urine joke, but I decided to just let it flow.
2. My friend was bragging that he could hold his pee for hours. I told him not to make it a wee-ality competition.
3. Did you hear about the new restaurant called P? Their signature dish is lemonade.
4. I entered my pee in a comedy contest but it didn’t get first stream.
5. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron!” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive.”
6. Want to hear a joke about potassium? K.
7. Why was the urine sample confused? It was having an identity crisis.
8. The urologist decided to pursue a career in stand-up comedy. He wanted to get paid to tell pee jokes.
9. I told my friend we should open a restaurant that only serves drinks. He said it was a pee business idea.
10. What do you call an environmentally friendly urinal? A green pee.
11. Why was the urine sample excited on Halloween? It got to wear a cost-uume.
12. If pee could talk, it would say “Urine trouble now!”
13. What do you call a jealous pee? Pee-green with envy.
14. Why did the urine sample get bad grades? It was poor pee-formance.
15. Why do urinals have flies? Because pee attracts them.
Pee One-Liners
16. My friend kept bragging about holding his pee for 6 hours, I said “don’t make it a #1 priority.”
17. I entered a pee drinking contest, but there was no #1 winner.
18. I was going to tell a urine joke, but it was too crude to stream.
19. I tried holding my pee for 24 hours, but it was #1 impossible.
20. I wanted to make a show about urine samples, but the network said it wasn’t ready for #1 time.
21. I told my friend to stop bragging about how long he can hold his pee, he just can’t let it flow.
22. I was excited for the urine comedy show, turns out it was #1 terrible.
23. I entered my pee in an art contest but it only got #2 place.
24. I tried to write a book about the history of urine, but it was too much of a pee-od piece.
25. I wanted to be a professional urine taster, but drinking pee all day is not my #1 job.
Best Pee Jokes
26. Last night I got home and realized I really had to pee. I rushed to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and began to relieve myself. Just then my roommate came bursting through the door, freaking out. Apparently he had forgotten to tell me that he was renovating the bathroom that day. So there I was, peeing directly onto the new wooden floor he had just installed.
27. My three-year old son is potty training right now. The other day, he marched up to me and proudly announced “Daddy, I have to tinkle!” I said “Ok buddy, go ahead.” He walked over to the couch, pulled down his pants, and started peeing right there on the floor. That’s when I realized we still have some work to do on what exactly “tinkling” means.
28. Last weekend my wife and I took our kids camping for the first time. Things were going great until our son announced that he had to pee. We told him to go over behind a tree and do his business. After about 10 minutes he still hadn’t returned, so I went looking for him. When I found him, he had both pants and underwear around his ankles and was facing the tree…peeing directly on the tree trunk. Hey, at least he had the right idea about being outdoors?
29. My elderly grandmother came from Poland to visit us last month. One day I heard her calling “Help! Help!” from the bathroom. I rushed over and found her standing with one leg raised, peeing onto the bath mat on the floor. In Poland, they apparently don’t use toilets, just holes in the ground. So I had to explain very delicately that in America, we pee INSIDE the porcelain bowl. I’m just glad none of my friends were there to see this bathroom lesson unfold.
30. As a nurse, I’ve seen some bizarre things. But nothing quite as strange as the time an elderly patient’s wife tried to smuggle him in some contraband food. She put a big hamburger and fries in her purse. What she didn’t realize was that the grease began to soak through the bag. By the time she got to his hospital room, there was a noticeable burger-and-fries-scented wet spot. She looked down, turned red, and whispered “Oops, I think that was supposed to be the pee pad.”
31. I’ll never forget my first kiss. I was 12 years old and at my very first boy-girl party. I was so nervous about kissing a girl for the first time. Finally, Samantha and I sneaked off alone into a room away from the rest of the group. As we leaned in for the big moment, I tried to play it cool. But just then my bladder betrayed me, and I wet my pants completely. I had to call my mom to come pick me up early. And that’s the story of how I got my very first kiss…and my very first pee stain.
32. In college, I lived in a tiny dorm room with three other guys. With only one bathroom shared between the four of us, things tended to get… messy. One night we decided to have a contest to see who could go the longest without using the bathroom. At about 3am, after six hours of no bathroom breaks, I was starting to reach critical capacity. I finally couldn’t take it anymore – I bolted out of bed and raced toward the toilet. Too late…just as I was pulling down my underwear, I started peeing uncontrollably. Next thing I knew, there was a huge puddle at my feet. My roommates never let me live that one down.
33. Last year, I was on a cross country road trip with some friends. We were driving through a pretty rural area and needed to stop for a bathroom break. We pulled over on the side of the road near some trees. The girls ducked behind one tree together, while we guys went behind another. After we all finished up, we got back in the car and continued on our way. About 10 minutes later, one of the girls suddenly screamed “Oh no!” Turns out she had accidentally peed all over a cop who was hiding behind the tree running speed trap. He was not too pleased with the free shower!
34. When I was about 8 years old, my family went on a road trip to Florida. We were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic for hours. My bladder was about to explode, but there was literally nowhere to pull over. I kept yelling to my parents “I can’t hold it any longer!” But they insisted I just had to wait. Eventually, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Right there, stuck in standstill traffic, I opened the door and started peeing out of the car onto the highway. My parents yelled at me, but hey, when you gotta go…
35. I went camping by myself last summer. I had packed lots of water and was staying hydrated in the heat. As the sun started to set, I realized I really, really needed to pee but was too scared to venture into the woods alone in the dark. So I decided to pee in an empty water bottle instead. I filled up an entire 24 ounce bottle nearly to the brim (I really had to go). Then the next morning I went to dispose of it and accidentally mixed up bottles, taking a huge swig of my own warm pee. I almost vomited instantly – it was the grossest taste ever.
36. One time, I got desperate and decided to pee in an alleyway behind a bar. I thought I was hidden behind the dumpster. Mid-stream, a cop car drove by on patrol. We made direct eye contact as I was peeing. Before I knew it, there were flashing lights and I was arrested on the spot for public urination. The lesson: when you have to go, just go inside. Or make sure no one else is actually around.
37. When I was a kid, my brothers and I were notorious for turning everything into a competition. One summer afternoon, we got into a heated battle about who could pee the farthest and highest. We each took turns seeing whose stream could reach further across the backyard. Up on the porch deck, my dad overheard our laughter and came outside to see what was up. He was not nearly as amused by this pee distance contest as we were.
38. One time at summer camp, we were out hiking when I realized I really had to pee. I snuck into the woods to take care of business, when suddenly I realized there was poison ivy everywhere. But it was too late to stop the flowing stream. The next day, my entire inner thigh broke out in a red, itchy rash from the poison ivy I had accidentally peed on. It was so unbearably itchy that I had to go to the doctor for a shot. I learned my lesson about always scoping out the surroundings first before peeing outdoors.
39. In college, my roommate and I threw a huge keg party in our dorm. I drank way too much beer and ended up passing out early on the couch. At some point during the night, I apparently got up, walked over to his closet while still basically unconscious, and peed all over his clothes and shoes. The next morning, he was livid trying to scrub urine out of his favorite sneakers and jeans. I felt awful, but also couldn’t remember a thing thanks to the massive quantity of beer.
40. One night after the bars closed, my friend and I were wandering the streets looking for a taxi. I really had to pee, but there were no bathrooms in sight. My friend kept yelling “Just go in the alley! No one will see you.” Drunk and desperate, I finally gave in. But of course, right as I started peeing, a family with two kids turned the corner on the sidewalk and got an eyeful. The dad shook his head in disgust while covering his poor kids’ eyes. I awkwardly yelled “Sorry!” with my pants still undone.
Pee Jokes
41. Last year my husband and I brought our 3-year-old son to the state fair for the first time. We were having a blast going on rides and eating junk food. But after a few hours, our son announced he had to use the potty urgently. We rushed to find a bathroom, but the lines were incredibly long at every porta potty. By the time we got to the front of the line, it was too late. Our son peed all over my husband’s shoes and the ground in front of about 20 strangers. My husband did his best to shield him from view while I cleaned him up. Ah, the memories you make with kids!
42. One time in high school math class, I really had to pee but was too shy to ask the teacher for a hall pass. I squirmed at my desk, desperately doing the “pee dance” while trying to hold it in. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and just let go, peeing my pants under the desk. Mortified, I tied my sweatshirt around my waist to cover the huge wet stain on my jeans. As students filed out after the bell, my crush walked past and asked “Did you spill something on yourself?” I wanted to die from embarrassment.
43. When I was a kid, we lived in an old house with only one tiny bathroom for the whole family. One morning, I really had to go but my brother was hogging the bathroom for a shower. After banging on the door for 15 minutes begging him to hurry up, I finally couldn’t hold it any longer. I frantically looked around for alternatives, grabbed an empty cereal bowl from the kitchen, and peed in it right there. As I was finishing up, my mom walked into the kitchen and caught me in the act. “We are NOT animals!” she yelled. Oops.
44. One time on a packed 6-hour flight, I got stuck in an aisle seat with no access to the bathrooms. About 3 hours in, nature started calling urgently. I asked the people sitting next to me over and over to let me out into the aisle, but nobody would move. With no options left, I grabbed an airsick bag and tried to stealthily relieve myself, keeping it hidden under the tray table. Seconds after I finished peeing into the bag, the plane hit major turbulence, which sent the open bag and its contents spilling all over my lap and the floor. The surrounding passengers looked equally disgusted and horrified.
45. During college, my roommate and I drove 12 hours to Florida for spring break. She fell asleep early, so I headed out alone to walk the beach and meet people. I chugged drinks all night, until eventually realizing I was lost and desperately had to pee. With no bathrooms around, I squatted down in the ocean, thinking the water would wash it away instantly. Moments later, a wave crashed into me and knocked me over mid-pee, getting it all over my bathing suit. I had to slosh around for 30 minutes in human-pee-filled water to rinse off. Spring break!
46. When I was starting potty training with my toddler, we kept a little plastic kiddie urinal in the living room for quick access. One afternoon, my sister came over to visit. While we were chatting, she picked up the urinal from the coffee table and poured herself a cup of water without looking. The look on her face when she took a big gulp was priceless – sheer disgust followed by her spitting it out and gagging. Now she ALWAYS examines cups before drinking from them in our house.
47. When I was a kid, my brothers and I would always have contests to see who could pee the farthest out in the lake at our grandpa’s cottage. One day, I really had to go, so I got in the canoe, paddled out to the middle, stood up, and started my business. Right then, the biggest speedboat zoomed by, creating huge waves that flipped the canoe over…and sent me and all of my pee raining directly down on me. I had to swim back to shore soaked in my own urine. Can’t say I won that round!
48. One summer in college, my friends and I got drunk before a huge big game against our rival school. I had to pee during the game but refused to miss any plays to go to the porta potty lines. So I brought an empty Gatorade bottle and started peeing into it under the bleachers. A rival fan must have seen, because a minute later I felt a stream of hot liquid hit my neck and back. When I turned around, the guy just pointed at my make-shift toilet and laughed. Touche.
49. When I was potty training my daughter, we were driving home from daycare one day when she announced “Mommy, I need to tinkle!” Stuck in rush hour traffic, I handed her an empty water bottle and told her she could pee in that. She looked at me like I was crazy. “But Mommy, there’s no water in there for me to tinkle!” she said, like it was the most obvious thing ever. Kids are too literal sometimes.
50. My college friends and I went camping one weekend. In the middle of the night I had to pee, but was feeling lazy and didn’t want to trek to the bathrooms. So I walked a little ways into the woods and started going. Suddenly a park ranger stepped out with a huge flashlight and said “You having trouble finding the restroom, son?” Startled, mid-stream, I got pee all over my pajamas. Busted by the ranger for “improper urination.”
51. When I was about five years old, I went shopping with my mom. While she was browsing, I wandered away and accidentally peed my pants in the store. Mortified, I decided to hide in the clothes racks until it dried rather than tell my mom. An hour later, she found me shivering behind some dresses. She gave me her sweater to wrap around my waist and whispered “Next time, tell me if you need to use the potty!”
52. One summer at camp, it was super hot and I was drinking water nonstop. In the middle of the night, I really had to pee but was too scared to walk to the outhouse alone. So I tried peeing in a cup in my cabin. Being half-asleep, I grabbed the wrong cup – my counselor’s metal thermos. Mid-stream I realized my mistake, but it was too late…and made the worst loud echoing crashing noise that woke up the entire cabin.
53. When I was little, we took a road trip but got stuck in traffic for hours