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85 Hilarious Old Lady Jokes

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85 Hilarious Old Lady Jokes

Old Lady Puns

  1. What do you call an old lady who sits around knitting all day? An old needlewoman!
  2. Why did the old lady bring her rocking chair with her on vacation? She wanted to rock the resort!
  3. What do you call an elderly woman who sells flowers and plants? A grand-ma in the garden.
  4. Why was the old lady upset that her grandson only visited once per week? She was lonely on the other days.
  5. What did the old lady name her WiFi network? Get off my LAN!
  6. How does an old lady vampire accessorize her outfit? With a cane, shawl, and a neck bite.
  7. Why does the old lady take so many naps? She’s catching up on her beauty sleep.
  8. What do you call an old lady who does yoga? An expert in flexion.
  9. Why did the old lady love antiquing so much? She was always hunting for treasures from her era.
  10. How does the old lady stay trendy? She tries to keep up with the times.

Old Lady One-Liners

  1. I asked an old lady for directions, she said “I don’t know, I’m old!”
  2. Old lady at the bank asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
  3. I told an old lady to act her age, and she died.
  4. Behind every old lady is a young girl wondering what the heck happened.
  5. Old ladies have the best stories, you just have to wait for them to get to the point.
  6. Old lady told me “respect your elders.” I said “sure, just as soon as you respect my rights.”
  7. If an old lady hands you expired candy, you take it and say thank you.
  8. Never ask an old lady if she’s alright, she’ll tell you her whole medical history.
  9. Old lady asked me what music I liked, I said Nirvana. She said “Oh I loved them, RIP Kurt Cobain.”
  10. Don’t correct old ladies… Just smile, nod, and move on.

Best Old Lady Jokes

  1. An old lady was trying to find protein powder at the grocery store. After searching every aisle, she finally asked the manager for help. He showed her the protein powder and asked if she was looking to gain muscle. The old lady replied, “Oh no, I just mix it with milk and drink it. I’m on a see-food diet—I see food and eat it!”

  2. An old lady walked into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees. The clerk carefully counted out 12 bees and handed them over in a box. The next day, the same old lady came back into the pet shop and asked for 12 more bees. The puzzled clerk counted out 12 more bees. The day after that, the old lady again came into the shop and asked for another 12 bees. After receiving her bees, the clerk finally asked what she needed all these bees for. The old lady replied, “I’m training them to fetch my dentures!”

  3. An old lady was having dinner at her son’s house. Out of nowhere she slams her fist on the table and yells, “That’s it, I’m tired of you two whispering at the table. I demand to know what you’re talking about!” Her daughter-in-law says, “Oh, we were just discussing what present to get you for your 85th birthday.” The old lady sits back down and says softly, “Oh, well in that case, I know I need new hearing aids.”

  4. An old lady went to the doctor complaining about a pain in her leg that wouldn’t go away. After examination, the doctor told her, “I’m sorry but you have a very serious condition. You’ll have to stop masturbating immediately.” The old lady looked shocked and yelled, “I want a second opinion!” The doctor says, “Okay fine, stop masturbating immediately, please.”

  5. An old lady was feeling frustrated that she couldn’t hear without her hearing aids. She went to the doctor to find out if there was anything that could be done. The doctor checked her over and pulled out a long thin wire with a small blob on the end. “I’m going to put this wire down your throat and into your stomach,” he explained. “It’s the latest technology – everything will be amplified!” The old lady looked skeptical but agreed. After inserting the wire, the doctor asked her how it felt. “Terrible!” she yelled. “You left the blobby end outside my mouth!”

  6. An old lady loved cheering on her hometown baseball team. For the championship game, she arrived decked out in team gear and holding a homemade sign that said “Let’s Go Team!” An usher came over and told her she couldn’t bring the sign into the stadium because it was blocking other fans’ views. The feisty old lady slowly crumpled up the sign and stuffed it into her bag. When the game started, she stood up, cupped her hands around her mouth, and yelled “Lets Go Team!” at the top of her lungs. After all, no sign doesn’t mean no voice!

  7. An elderly lady was stranded on the side of the road when her car broke down. Luckily, a police car pulled up behind her with its lights flashing. The officer got out and asked if she needed help. She explained her car wasn’t working. The officer looked under her hood for a few minutes then started walking back to his car. “Wait, aren’t you going to fix it?!” the old lady shouted after him. He turned around and said, “I’m just going to call you a tow truck ma’am. I’m a police officer, not a mechanic.” The old lady snapped back, “Well I bet I could do your job then, just stand around and do nothing helpful at all!”

  8. An old lady went on a blind date and brought the man back to her apartment. She sat him down and prepared some tea. “I’ll be right back,” she said, and went to the bedroom. Five minutes later she yelled from the bedroom, “Are you ready?” The man got up and started walking to the bedroom when she stuck her head out and said, “I said ‘are you ready’ not ‘are you coming.’ I still need a few more minutes!”

  9. An old lady was sitting on a park bench muttering to herself. A curious woman walking by asked her what she was doing. “I’m trying to win the lottery,” the old lady responded. “How is sitting here muttering going to help you win the lottery?” asked the passerby. “Well you see, I have a system. I say the numbers 1 through 50 over and over. Then when they call out the numbers on TV, whichever ones I’ve said most recently are the winners!” The woman chuckled and wished her luck as she continued her walk.

  10. An old lady went to the grocery store and accidentally locked her keys in the car. She went back inside and asked the manager for a clothes hanger so she could jimmy the lock. “Why do you need a clothes hanger?” he asked suspiciously. “Well,” said the old lady, “You see, the day before yesterday was my birthday. I went to the store and bought myself some X-ray glasses as a gift. I was trying them out in the parking lot today and that’s when I locked my keys in the car.” The manager just rolled his eyes and got her a hanger.