60 Hilarious Nuts Jokes

Nuts Puns (20)

1. What do you call nuts that have gone crazy? In-peanuts.
2. Why did the peanut get kicked out of the bar? He was a stir-nut.
3. How do nuts keep their skin clear? With cashew-tics.
4. Why don’t nuts trust each other? They’re too shellfish.
5. What’s a nut’s favorite day of the week? Fri-peanut.
6. What do you call nuts who got their photo taken? Picture peanuts.
7. What did the nut say when it got confused? I’m stumped.
8. What do you call an indecisive nut? A maybe-nut.
9. Why don’t nuts make good comedians? Their jokes are corny.
10. What do you call a nut who works out a lot? A pecan.
11. Why don’t peanuts make good baseball players? They take too many cracks.
12. What do you call a psychic nut? A four-peanut teller.
13. Why was the macadamia fired from the factory? Lack of work ethic.
14. How do nuts get around town? By hitching a cashew.
15. What do you call a lazy nut? A slackadamia.
16. Why don’t nuts make good sailors? They’re not oar-iented.
17. Why do nuts have trouble keeping secrets? They always blabbersheesh.
18. What do you call nuts that stick together? Velcro-nuts.
19. How do nuts get stronger? By lifting al-pecans.
20. Why don’t nuts make good spelunkers? They’re afraid of the pecans.

Nuts One-Liners (20)

1. These nuts are driving me crazy!
2. That’s nuts!
3. He’s nuttier than a fruitcake.
4. Whoa, those nuts are huge!
5. Quit horsing around, you nut!
6. I’m allergic to most nuts except deez nuts!
7. Deez nuts belong in a psychiatric hospital.
8. Do these pants make my nuts look big?
9. You’re nutty as squirrel poop.
10. Those nuts should come with a warning label.
11. Go nuts…if you’re into that sort of thing.
12. Nuts about you, babe.
13. I’m nuts for donuts.
14. Nuts roasting on an open fire.
15. Feeling salty? Have some nuts.
16. Nuts and gum, together at last!
17. Quit goofing off, ya nut!
18. Life’s nuts sometimes, ya know?
19. Feeling nutty, might delete this later.
20. Deez nuts went viral again.

Best Nuts Jokes (20)

1. Why was the squirrel late to work? He overnutsed his alarm. He was worried he was going to get chestnutted by his boss, but luckily his boss was in a good mood and let him off with just a walnutting. The squirrel said, “Phew, that was a close one, looks like I just made it by the skin of my nuts!”
2. The new guy at the nut factory couldn’t figure out why production kept slowing down. He decided to keep a close eye on his coworkers to see if he could spot the reason. After a few hours he saw one guy sneakily munching on the product. He ran right to the supervisor and said, “Sir, I think I just caught that guy red-handed eating nuts on the job!”
3. Why don’t elephants like playing cards in the jungle? Because there are too many cheetahs! This joke works particularly well when targeted at nuts like peanuts or cashews.
4. A family of acorns was out for a drive when their car suddenly spun out of control. The daddy acorn slammed on the brakes and managed to pull over safely. He got out and surveyed the damage. The mama acorn rolled down the window and said, “Honey, I think you nuts should check your tires.”
5. Why don’t nuts make good sailors? They tend to get a little squirrely when out on the waves.
6. Why did the macadamia nut refuse to share its homework answers? It didn’t want to give away any free cheats.
7. What kind of nuts always seem to have drama following them? Pea-can’ts!
8. Which nuts have the best dance moves? Cashews, of course! Their shells give them natural rhythm.
9. How do you drive a nut crazy? Put them in a nut house!
10. What did the pecan say when it got arrested? “I’m innocent I tell you! Framed!”
11. Which nuts are the most laidback? Pistachios – they’re pretty chill most of the time.
12. What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astro-nut!
13. Why don’t nuts make good Uber drivers? They go a little nuts behind the wheel.
14. How did the acorn feel when it grew up to be a tree? It felt justified in all its actions over the years.
15. Which nuts always seem to be in a hurry? Walnuts – they’re always rushing to their next activity.
16. What did the almonds do when they got in trouble? They cashew-d out of there real quick.
17. How do nuts stay connected? They use their social medio-cashews.
18. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted…peanut.
19. What do you call a nut that’s been dipped in chocolate? A coco-nutty treat!
20. Why was the pistachio angry after the hike? It was roasted the whole time.
21. Which nuts have the best dance moves? Cashews, of course! Their shells give them natural rhythm.
22. What’s a nut’s favorite hobby? Going to the macadamiya conventions each year.