Manchester United Puns (15)
1. I heard Manchester United is changing their name to “The Red Devils.” I guess you could say it was a diabolical decision.
2. Why does Manchester United play so badly? They just can’t seem to soccer it to them!
3. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain? Gifted!
4. Why did Manchester United cross the road? To get to the Europa League!
5. What do you call a Liverpool fan in a suit? The defendant! What do you call a Manchester United fan in a suit? The defendant’s lawyer!
6. I asked my friend if he could name two structures that hold water. He said, “Well, dam!” I said, “Don’t forget Old Trafford on a rainy day!”
7. Why does Old Trafford have such lush grass? Because there’s a lot of fertilizer from the fans!
8. What do you call eleven millionaires around a TV watching Manchester United? A Europa League squad!
9. Why do Manchester United fans watch the highlights on Match of the Day? It’s the closest they get to watching decent football!
10. I heard Manchester United is changing their name to the Retired Devils. Their play has been devilishly bad lately!
11. What do Manchester United and possums have in common? They both play dead at home!
12. I was going to tell a joke about Manchester United, but it was penalty for handball.
13. Why can’t Manchester United fans be kidney donors? Because they don’t have the heart!
14. What’s the difference between Old Trafford and a porcupine? The porcupine has 100,000 pricks on the inside!
15. Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid playing for Manchester United!
Manchester United One-Liners (15)
16. Manchester United’s trophy cabinet is so dusty, even their housekeepers are on strike!
17. Manchester United’s season is like a cheap bar of soap, it slipped away.
18. Manchester United fans and Liverpool fans have a lot in common – neither have seen their team win the league!
19. If Manchester United was a horse, it would have been turned into glue a long time ago.
20. The only trophy Manchester United will win this year is ‘Most Expensive Team to Not Qualify for Champions League.’
21. Manchester United’s defending this season has been as solid as a wet tissue paper.
22. Manchester United’s season has been a perfect storm of bang average players, tactics from the stone age and a sprinkle of VAR.
23. Manchester United fans don’t always drink beer, but when they do, it’s to forget the 90 minutes of football they just watched.
24. The Manchester United team bus has two empty seats reserved – one for quality and one for success.
25. Rumor has it Manchester United is changing their logo to a big red ‘L’ for all the losses they rack up.
26. They say Manchester United fans are glory hunters. That can’t be true – where’s the glory?
27. Manchester United’s offense is so bad they couldn’t hit a barn door. Even if it was the size of a field.
28. Old Trafford has installed a revolving door to allow goals through easier. Saves time.
29. Manchester United should change their colors to yellow and black to match their stripey season.
30. I heard Manchester United is changing their motto to “The Mediocre Middlesbrough Reds.”
Best Manchester United Jokes (30)
31. Three Manchester United fans walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would’ve spotted it.
32. A Liverpool fan, Chelsea fan and Manchester United fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team more. The Liverpool fan insists he is the most loyal. ‘This is for Liverpool!’ He yells, and jumps off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Chelsea fan is next to profess his love for his team. He yells ‘This is for Chelsea!’ and pushes the Manchester United fan off the mountain.
33. What does a Manchester United fan do when his team wins the league? Turn off the PlayStation.
34. How do you make Manchester United cookies? Put them in the oven until they crumble.
35. A Manchester United fan walks into the library and asks the librarian for a book about Manchester United’s rich history and glory days. The librarian says, “Fiction is on the 3rd aisle.”
36. Teacher: Johnny, can you name two pronouns? Johnny: Who, me? Teacher: Correct. Can you name two nouns? Johnny: Manchester United and Bottlers!
37. Why couldn’t the Manchester United fan find his stadium? He couldn’t find Old Trafford with both hands!
38. What’s the difference between Old Trafford and a clown car? The clown car has a driver!
39. A Liverpool and a Manchester United fan found a magic lamp. After rubbing it, a genie appeared and granted them each one wish. The Liverpool fan said, “I wish Manchester United would get relegated!” The genie said, “Done!” The Manchester United fan said, “I wish Liverpool had beaten us to the Premier League title last season.” The genie looked shocked and said, “You’ve got be joking. Do you know how long that’s going to take???”
40. Why do Manchester United fans plant potato chips in their gardens? Because one ‘Lays’ and the other ‘Walkers!’
41. How many Manchester United fans does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit around talking about how good the old one was.
42. What do you call a good looking girl in Manchester? A tourist.
43. A Manchester United fan walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager. “That’ll be three pounds please,” says the bartender. “Oh,” says the fan, “I thought prices had gone up!”
44. How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
45. My friend thinks he is so smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
46. I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on “Bring Your Child to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!”
47. What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
48. Why should you never trust stairs? They’re always up to something.
49. My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a Believer” by The Monkees, because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face.
50. Our wedding was so beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers.
51. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
52. Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? Because they are two tired!
53. What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
54. Can February March? No, but April May!
55. My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
56. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
57. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
58. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
59. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
60. Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap!