Joel Osteen Puns
1. What do you call Joel Osteen’s sermons? Joel-speel.
2. Why does Joel Osteen smile all the time? Because he’s inosteengood mood.
3. What do you call a book by Joel Osteen about dental care? Joel O-clean.
4. Why did Joel Osteen get arrested at the airport? He was caught smuggosteening contraband through security.
5. What do you call Joel Osteen’s side gig as a fry cook? Joel O-steaming hot food.
6. Why does Joel Osteen drink so much water before preaching? To keep his throat moisteened.
7. What do you call Joel Osteen’s radio show? The Joel O-steen Machine.
8. Why did Joel Osteen get kicked out of the library? He was caught book osteening.
9. What do you call Joel Osteen’s clothing line? Osteentatious Apparel.
10. What do you call Joel Osteen’s private jet? Air Osteen.
Joel Osteen One-Liners
11. Joel Osteen puts the con in prosperity gospel.
12. Joel Osteen is so positive, he could find something nice to say about the devil.
13. Joel Osteen’s teeth are so white and perfect, they look like porcelain veneers.
14. Joel Osteen is so rich, his bank account has more digits than a phone number.
15. Joel Osteen is so upbeat, even Mary Poppins would tell him to tone it down.
16. Joel Osteen smiles so much, the CDC should study him for facial muscular disorders.
17. Joel Osteen’s sermons are so feel-good, they should come with a diabetes warning.
18. Joel Osteen is so ambitious, he won’t stop preaching until every seat in his church costs $1000.
19. Joel Osteen is so positive, he makes Stuart Smalley look like Eeyore.
20. Joel Osteen’s prayers are so self-serving, he should pray for some humility.
Best Joel Osteen Jokes
21. Joel Osteen walked into a bar and the bartender asked, “Why the long face?” Joel replied, “Let me tell you why you should turn that frown upside down!”
22. Joel Osteen, Donald Trump, and a pharmaceutical CEO got into a limo together. Within 5 minutes, they had robbed every person in America blind without leaving the car.
23. Joel Osteen died and arrived at the pearly gates. St. Peter took one look at him and said, “Sorry, but we’re all full up on Prosperity Gospel preachers.”
24. Joel Osteen was pulled over for speeding. The cop asked him, “Why were you driving so fast?” Joel replied, “I was being chased…by my calling to bring the Word of God to millions!” The cop let him go with a warning.
25. Joel Osteen walked up to a homeless man and said “Don’t despair, friend! With positivity and hard work, the Lord will provide!” Then he got into his Bentley and drove away.
26. Joel Osteen’s family was struggling to make ends meet, so he started a church called “Joel Osteen Ministries” and asked for donations. The church took off and soon he was raking in millions. His family never struggled again.
27. Joel Osteen was leading a sermon about tithing 10% of your income to the church. He said “I know it’s a sacrifice, but that’s how much Jacob tithed in the Bible.” Someone in the audience yelled “Yeah, and Jacob was a shepherd, not a millionaire!”
28. Joel Osteen was hosting a fancy fundraising gala. When a homeless person tried to enter, security stopped him at the door. Joel said “It’s fine, let him in…he can be the appetizer.”
29. Joel Osteen bought a new Gulfstream luxury jet. He told his congregation “This new jet will help spread the Lord’s Word across the globe!” A voice rang out “Or you could use the $54 million to feed starving kids.” Joel had security escort the man out.
30. Joel Osteen was preaching that “God wants all of us to prosper!” After the sermon, he got into his Ferrari while his congregation crammed onto crowded buses.
31. Joel Osteen was leading a tour of his $10.5 million mansion. One tourist asked “Didn’t Jesus say to give wealth to the poor and follow Him?” Joel replied “Why yes, now let me show you my 16 bathrooms!”
32. Joel Osteen was teaching a seminar called “Unleashing God’s Favor in Your Finances.” The fee to attend was $500. Someone asked why he charges money to attend a church event. Osteen replied “Cash or credit?”
33. Joel Osteen ordered a private jet interior decorated with 24k gold trim and $100k leather seats. When asked why he needs such luxury, he quoted: “God wants to prosper you abundantly!”
34. Joel Osteen was praying on his knees in church when a large bag of money fell out of his jacket. He didn’t notice until he stood up and saw everyone staring at the money on the floor.
35. Joel Osteen was preaching that God wants Christians to be rich. He said “Just look at me! I have a $10 million home and fly private jets because I’m blessed!” An elderly woman yelled “No, it’s because you ask broke people for money!”
36. Joel Osteen was teaching that being poor is a sign of weak faith. A church member stood up and said “Jesus was homeless and He saved all humanity.” Joel asked security to remove the man.
37. Joel Osteen was at the pulpit encouraging people to “sow a seed of faith” by giving money to his ministry. A homeless man tried putting some pocket change into the collection basket but Joel shooed him away.
38. Joel Osteen asked a man in his church for a $1000 donation to fund a missionary trip abroad. The man declined, saying he couldn’t afford it. Joel replied “You must not have enough faith. Now, who will sow a seed of $1000 to spread the Gospel?”
39. Joel Osteen was teaching “God wants you to live an abundant life of wealth and prosperity.” He then charged people $300 for VIP meet-and-greet tickets after the event.
40. Joel Osteen said in a sermon that poverty is caused by sin and lack of faith. When confronted about homeless people, he quoted “the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous.”
41. Joel Osteen told his congregation, “I need a new $54 million private jet to do God’s work.” After he got the jet, he tweeted a photo of himself christening it with champagne on board.
42. Joel Osteen did a televised sermon on “Biblical Keys to Financial Increase.” At the end, operators stood by to take donation pledges from desperate viewers hoping for a miracle.
43. Joel Osteen was asked if he ever considered selling his mansion and Ferraris to help the poor. He replied “God doesn’t want me to be poor. He wants me to be a sign of His prosperity.”
44. Joel Osteen was confronted by a homeless man asking for money. Joel quoted the Bible verse about “teaching a man to fish” and gave the man a fishing pole. Then he got in his limo and left.
45. Joel Osteen invested $5 million of ministry donations into a hedge fund. It failed spectacularly. When asked what happened to the money, he quoted “Give and it shall be given back to you…later.”
46. Joel Osteen told his congregation, “I need a new $54 million jet to spread the Gospel.” A woman called out “With that money you could feed every homeless person for a year!” Joel had her escorted out.
47. Joel Osteen held a seminar teaching people how to get rich through “God’s financial principles.” Admission was $500 per person. Someone asked “Wouldn’t Jesus whip you right now?”
48. Joel Osteen said in a sermon “God wants you to be wealthy and live abundantly!” After the event he charged $1000 for photos with him.
49. Joel Osteen spent $200 million of church donations to build a worship center with concert lighting and smoke machines. Meanwhile Jesus held sermons on hillsides with no fancy equipment.
50. Joel Osteen was asked if he ever considered becoming a monk and taking a vow of poverty. He responded “Monks aren’t exactly prospering now, are they?”
