60 Hilarious History Jokes

History Puns

1. What do you call an ancient Roman with hair between his toes? Julius Seizure!
2. Why couldn’t the archaeologist focus on his work? Because his mind was in ruins!
3. Did you hear about the discouraged archaeologist? He kept getting dated!
4. What do you call stolen goods in ancient Egypt? Loot from the pharaoh’s tomb!
5. How do you make the Pyramids? With Egyptians!
6. Did you hear about the new TV show about the Byzantine Empire? It’s called Game of Thrones!
7. Why didn’t the ancient Greek wear socks? Because they wore sandals!
8. Did you hear about the historian who went to jail? She was booked for defacing dates!
9. Where do knights in armor get together to chat? The medieval times!
10. What do you call a Medieval laugh? A knight to remember!
11. Did you hear about the paleontologist who dug up fossil records? Now he’s in prehistoric jams!
12. How do you organize a space party? You planet!
13. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? The same middle name!
14. Why couldn’t anyone talk to Abe Lincoln? He was in a centennial state!
15. Where did the Declaration of Independence get signed? At the John Hancocks!

History One-Liners

16. History repeats itself. I’m telling the teacher on you.
17. History is just one thing after another.
18. History is written by the victors. Unfortunately, I didn’t win the wrestling match.
19. Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it. I got a D- on the test.
20. May all your troubles last as long as the Hundred Years’ War.
21. History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
22. What’s past is prologue. Let’s move on to bigger and better things.
23. The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.
24. That’s ancient history. Now we have way cooler stuff!
25. History is a pack of lies we play on the dead.
26. The only history that is worth a tinker’s damn is the history we make today.
27. The history of the world is but the biography of great men.
28. Study history, study self. Don’t be doomed to repeat it.
29. To be ignorant of what occurred before you were born is to remain always a child.
30. We can judge the past by the standards of today, but it goes on judging us.

Best History Jokes

31. One day a history professor was teaching about the development of airplanes. He explained how the Wright brothers conducted the first successful test flight in 1903. “But sir,” asked one student, “if their plane worked in 1903, how come it took until 1919 before Charles Lindbergh made the first transatlantic flight to Europe?”

    The professor thought about it for a moment and said, “Well, I guess you could say they had some trouble getting their flights to take off!”

32. An eager student raised her hand in history class and asked the teacher, “What made the Middle Ages so dark?

    The teacher looked at her and said, “Because there were so many knights!”
33. Little Timmy came home from school buzzing with excitement. “Guess what we learned in history today?” he asked his mom. “The teacher told us about how back in the old days, people used to ride horses instead of driving cars!”

    Timmy’s mom laughed. “That’s right! Cars hadn’t been invented yet.”

    “Yeah!” said Timmy. “And did you also know that people used to get married as teenagers way back then? And some kings had like ten wives!”

    Timmy’s mom raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Is that what your teacher taught you?”

    “Nope!” said Timmy. “We learned that during nap time!”

34. Why was the archaeologist unhappy?

    Because his career was in ruins.

35. What did the Roman Centurion say to his misbehaving soldiers?

    You lads oughta behave or you’ll be romain these barracks tonight!
36. Did you hear about the paleontologist who discovered a fossil that was a cross between a dinosaur and a frog?

    It was a frogosaurus rex!

37. What’s the difference between a historian and a treasure hunter?

    A historian studies artifacts, while a treasure hunter studies artifactifacts!

38. Why don’t ants have history?

    Because they have antmnesia!
39. Why did the history book join a gym?

    It wanted to work on its dates!

40. What do you call someone who illegally digs up and sells historical artifacts?

    A loot smuggler!

41. Which U.S. president didn’t need curtains in the White House?

    Window Lincoln!
42. Why was the Roman gladiator so successful in battle?

    He made sure to get a leg up on the competition!

43. What did one Egyptian mummy say to the other Egyptian mummy?

    Let’s get unpacked and have some fun!

44. Why don’t mummies take vacations?

    They’re afraid to relax and unwind!
45. What’s a knight’s favorite meal?

    Sirloin steak!

46. Did you hear about the new TV show about knights?

    It’s called “Game of Thorns”!

47. Why did King Arthur have a round table?

    So no knight would ever feel treated unfairly and seated at the corner!
48. How do we know Vikings liked to sing?

    They had horn helmets!

49. Why don’t dinosaurs talk?

    Because they’re all extinct!