Healthcare Puns (10)
1. I tried to sue my doctor for malpractice, but then I realized I didn’t have a leg to stand on.
2. My friend got crushed by a pile of medical books. I told him he has no one to blame but his shelf.
3. I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
4. I was feeling a little off yesterday. Turns out it was just my med student practicing his rotation skills.
5. Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
6. I asked the nurse if the blood bank was still open this late. She said it was open around the clock.
7. I tried to make an appointment with a dentist, but they said I’d have to pull some teeth to get in.
8. Did you hear about the orthopedic surgeon who was getting a divorce? He wanted to split without any breaks.
9. I told my psychiatrist that I keep having visions of being trapped inside a giant pill bottle. He said I have some major issues.
10. The hospital ran out of anesthesiologists during my surgery. Let’s just say things got painfully awkward.
Healthcare One-Liners (10)
11. I asked my surgeon if anything was wrong after my operation. He said, “Nothing major—just a few minor incisions.”
12. My doctor told me to watch my sodium intake, so I turned on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
13. I told my doctor, “My hair keeps falling out!” He asked, “How often does this happen?” I said, “Once in a while.”
14. I went to the worst podiatrist ever. He was a real heel.
15. My dentist appointments are really plaqueing me right now.
16. I was feeling nostalgic, so I went to visit my old chiropractor. We had some good cracks together.
17. Don’t trust atoms—they make up everything!
18. I lost my psychiatrist’s number. I guess I’ll have to deal with my own issues for once.
19. My dentist is so broke, he can’t even pay attention.
20. Going to medical school is no joke—it takes guts. Literally.
Best Healthcare Jokes (30)
21. I went to the doctor because I had lettuce stuck in my ear. He said, “This may sound corny, but I’ll use these small tweezers to remove it.” After he took it out, he said, “Doc-tor is in!”
22. I was feeling sick, so I decided to go see Dr. Acula. He told me I had a bad case of anemia and prescribed a blood transfusion once every hour. Now I know why his office hours are midnight to 3 AM.
23. My friend twisted his ankle chasing squirrels in the park. I told him he needs to leave those critters alone and stick to hospital protocols.
24. I went to the eye doctor to have my contacts checked. He said, “Well, all your contacts check out. Looks like you have 20/20 vision when it comes to friends.”
25. I ran into my surgeon at the grocery store the other day. He recognized me immediately and said, “I sewed you in half once!” Talk about an unforgettable patient-doctor relationship.
26. I was feeling lightheaded the other day. Turns out my nurse forgot to turn off the anesthesia. At least the hospital apologized and said they would work to be more patient with me.
27. Doctor: “I’ve got some bad news – you’ve got a condition known as hypochondria.” Patient: “Oh my god! Not that! Anything but that!”
28. I recently saw my orthopedic doctor for a broken leg. He said it was easily fixable but it would cost me an arm and a leg! I told him I don’t have that kind of money to spend on medical bills.
29. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? Let’s get together and tonsil-late tonight.
30. My friends and I dressed up as different body parts for Halloween. We won first place in the costume contest for being tissues.
31. Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized for swallowing eight cans of alphabet soup? His condition is now stable but he’s still passing the letters.
32. Why do nursing homes give out tic tacs? Because the elderly have falling breath.
33. Doctor: “I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.”
Patient: “AND?”
34. Why can’t EKG technicians tell jokes while working? Because it could start a cardiac episode.
35. Did you hear about the baby born in the hospital lobby? It was a breech birth.
36. Why do surgeons get to work so early in the morning? They like to op-rate at the crack of dawn.
37. Why did the EMT become an ambulance driver? It was her dream to haul ass.
38. Did you hear about the psychiatrist who was practicing telepathy? He was reading between their minds.
39. Why don’t skeletons get sick? Because they have a strong immune system.
40. What do you call two surgeons fighting over who gets to operate? A petty spatula.
41. Why can’t you hear when a psychiatrist farts? Because it’s all in their head.
42. Did you hear about the baby born in the high-rise hospital? They used the delivery room.
43. Why do doctors make the worst criminals? Because their fingerprints are always scrubbed off.
44. Did you hear about the guy who stole a whole batch of Viagra from the pharmacy? The police are looking for a hardened criminal.
45. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Wouldn’t they want to give the condemned as many diseases as possible?
46. Why do doctors slap a baby’s butt right after it’s born? To knock the sense back into it!
47. My doctor told me I’m going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.
48. I went to the eye doctor and he told me I needed glasses. I said, “Are you sure about that? I haven’t seen any signs.”
49. Did you hear about the guy who had his left side amputated? Don’t worry, he’s all right now.
50. I broke my arm reaching for the hospital door. Luckily it was right next to the emergency room.
