Government Puns (12)
- I wanted to work for the department of unemployment but they said I need experience first.
- The government got into the dairy business and opened the Bureau of Milk Production.
- The Department of Redundancy Department was disbanded since it was redundant.
- I heard the Bureau of Weights and Measures is looking to hire more people. They have a lot on their scales.
- The government agency in charge of crops had to downsize. They had too many chiefs and not enough Indians.
- The government organization overseeing dairy farms was having issues. There were too many big cheeses and not enough Indians.
- The Bureau of Bad Bureaucratic Puns received yet another complaint letter today.
- I applied to work at the Unemployment Office but they told me they weren’t hiring.
- The government agency in charge of farms couldn’t get anything done. There were too many chiefs and not enough Indians.
- I wanted to get a job at the Department of Redundancy Department but they told me the position was already filled.
- The Bureau of Engraving was disbanded since they didn’t leave a good impression.
- The Bureau of Missing Garden Gnomes has been closed until further gnome-tice.
Government One-Liners (15)
- The government passed a new infrastructure bill; looks like things are about to get repaved.
- I’m running for a government position to decrease the unemployment rate. If elected, I’ll hire all my friends.
- Government conferences are just paid vacations for bureaucrats.
- Government intelligence is an oxymoron.
- If the government controlled the Sahara Desert, there would be a shortage of sand within five years.
- Behind every failed government policy is a long paper trail and even longer meetings.
- The government relief fund must be huge because everyone’s got their hands in it.
- Government workers move like snails except during a pay freeze.
- The government runs on the fuel of endless red tape and rubber stamps.
- Congress is terrific when it comes to hatching hair-brained schemes to waste taxpayer money.
- You can always tell a government worker but you can’t tell them much.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
- Politicians and diapers need to be changed often, and for the same reason.
- If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
- Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.
Best Government Jokes (18)
16. A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started reading her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman. “How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?” as he smiled smugly.
“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”
17. An airplane was about to crash with three passengers on board: a politician, a priest and a lawyer. There were only two parachutes left on the plane.
The politician grabbed the first parachute and said, “As a congressman, I have great responsibilities to the people, so I deserve to live.” He jumped out of the plane.
The lawyer grabbed the second parachute and said, “As a lawyer, I’m the smartest man in the world and my people need me to live.” He jumped out of the plane too.
The priest looked around and said, “Save the children!” He handed the last parachute to the lawyer and pushed him out of the plane.
18. The CIA, FBI and LAPD were arguing about who was the best at catching criminals. The President decided to give them a test. He released a rabbit into a forest and challenged them to catch it.
The CIA went in. They placed animal informants throughout the forest. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they concluded that the rabbit did not exist.
The FBI went in next. After two weeks with no leads they burned the forest to the ground, killing everything in it including the rabbit. Then they claimed the rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD went in last. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was yelling “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
19. A government worker who was notorious for not completing his work on time faced disciplinary action from his supervisor. His supervisor warned, “One more late project from you and there will be consequences.”
A week later, the employee showed up late again with his project. His supervisor gave him a stern warning and handed him a penalty worksheet to fill out.
The worker stared at the blank worksheet for a minute, then wrote across the middle: “I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
20. A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years before he was finally rescued. Upon his return, the local newspaper asked him to recount his ordeal.
“It was tough at first,” he admitted. “No power, no running water, no internet access. But eventually I learned to adapt. I became quite handy at making shelters and tools from the island’s natural resources. I could fish, harvest fruit, even collect rainwater. It was a lonely existence, but I made it work.”
“That’s amazing!” marvelled the reporter. “But didn’t you go crazy being completely isolated for over a decade with no human contact?”
“Honestly, after the first few years, I didn’t even notice anymore,” the man shrugged. “But let me tell you, it was absolute torture when the government showed up to regulate everything I was doing!”
21. What’s the difference between government bonds and men? Bonds mature.
22. A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were. “We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the village headman. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.” On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village headman that the doctor would be posted to the village hospital the very next week. He then asked about the second problem, and the headman replied, “There is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.”
23. A congressman, a senator, and a city councilman were walking down a street when they saw a dog lapping up liquid from a pool in an abandoned lot.
The congressman said it must be spring water, so he bent down to try some. “This tastes like fine wine!” he exclaimed.
Not to be outdone, the senator also tried the liquid. “No, this is definitely champagne!” he declared.
Curious, the city councilman also took a sip. “You’re both wrong,” he said. “This is nothing but dog urine.”
The other two laughed and shook their heads. “That just goes to show,” said the congressman, “it all depends on your point of view how you see things.”
The city councilman nodded. “And your position where you’re lapping it from!”
24. A government agent is advising the president. He says, “There are 3 ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the government way.”
The president asks, “What is the government way?”
The agent smiles and says, “Hire a contractor.”
25. What did the electorate say when the politician fell into the river in Lego City?
Hey! Build the wall!
26. Why did the politician cross the road?
To switch sides!
27. How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to do the paperwork.
28. A lawyer, a bureaucrat, and an accountant are interviewing for a top government position. The interviewer pulls a bee out of his desk and asks, “I’m thinking of this bee. Identify, categorize, and account for it.”
The lawyer says, “That bee has flown here across state lines, so it’s covered by federal jurisdiction. Here’s how we can control and litigate its movement.”
The bureaucrat says, “That bee is of the species Apis mellifera. I will form three committees and issue a policy dictating how each department must handle it.”
The accountant picks up the bee, looks at it, puts it in his pocket, and says, “The solution is simple. We just need to find another one to replace it.”
29. What do you call a basement full of government officials?
The wine cellar!
30. Why can’t you starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there.
31. A man went to the IRS office to complain. “I’ve been stuck in your phone system all morning! Your automated menu has led me in circles. Can’t you hire people to answer the phones?”
The IRS agent said, “Sorry sir, but Congress cut our funding so we had to replace customer service reps with an automated system.”
The man frowned. “Well that robotic lady keeps transferring me from department to department. I’ve talked to the Federal Deductions Department, the Tax Lien Department, and the Audit Review Board. They all say you owe me money!”
32. What’s the difference between the government and the Mafia?
One of them is organized.
33. My friend got a job with the unemployment office but he got fired because he was doing too good of a job. Now he’s looking for another job and it’s not easy – he has zero experience.
