Family Puns
1. I asked my brother why he was drawing a picture of a shoe. He said, “It’s my sole family portrait!”
2. My dad always says he wants to catch up on sleep, but he keeps dozing off.
3. My sister got mad when I called her a lazy egg. She said, “I’m no yolk!”
4. I entered my family in a talent show as a juggling act. You could say we have a lot of ups and downs.
5. My uncle got injured during a family basketball game. I guess he just couldn’t hand-le it.
6. I told my mom her cooking was only medi-oak-er. She told me to stop criti-tree-ing her.
7. My dad loves telling dad jokes. You could say it runs in the family.
8. Our family reunions are crazy. I guess we just have a lot of rela-tives.
9. I asked my sister if she wanted to hear a joke about potassium. She said, “K.”
10. My family likes doing jigsaw puzzles together. I guess we’re very puzzle-ing people.
11. My aunt loves knitting scarves for the family. You could say she’s very fam-knit.
Family One-Liners
12. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
13. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
14. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
15. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
16. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
17. I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
18. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
19. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
20. I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
21. How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Best Family Jokes
22. My six year old came up to me looking very confused. He said “Dad, I just heard Mom shout your name while she was in the bathroom.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about it,” I replied. “She just does that whenever the shampoo bottle slips out of her hands in the shower.”
23. I asked my teenage daughter to pass me my headphones.
She rolled her eyes and said “Ugh, fine, but only because you’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted in my entire life.”
I smiled and replied, “That’s because you’ve never wanted to find a job.”
24. My wife was standing in front of the mirror fixing her hair when our daughter came in and said, “Mommy, why does your belly stick out so far?”
My wife sucked in her stomach, looked at it and replied, “I don’t know. What do you think we should do about it?”
Our daughter put her little hands on my wife’s belly and said, “I think we should probably just live with it.”
25. My teenage son was looking at an old family photo album with me. He asked, “Mom, why do you have so many pictures of me naked as a kid in the bathtub?”
I laughed and told him, “Oh honey, those aren’t naked pictures! Your father just got you ready for your baths that way.”
My son looked confused for a moment, then responded “…Well I’ll be damned, no wonder Dad avoids taking showers with me.”
26. My wife walked in on me while I was getting out of the shower. She looked at me seductively and said, “Have I ever told you how sexy you look in the nude?”
I smirked and told her, “Only about half as many times as you’ve told our kids to get the hell out of our bedroom.”
27. My teenage daughter came up to me looking embarrassed and said, “Dad, you and mom need to start keeping it down at night. The noises you make at bedtime are traumatizing me!”
I told her reassuringly, “Honey, your mother and I aren’t making any noises at night. But just so I can sleep better, I’ll buy you some nice sound cancelling headphones.”
28. My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.
29. After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, “Do you have a name yet?” I replied proudly, “Yes we do! My wife and I finally agreed on Denephew.”
30. My three year old son parked himself on the bathroom floor right in front of me while I was on the toilet. He looked up and asked, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
I sighed and said, “I’m making a big stinky poo-poo, now please give me some privacy!” My son gasped dramatically and yelled, “I’m telling Mommy!”
31. My teenage son walked into the living room and said, “Hey Dad, I just got back from my first real date!”
“Oh really?” I asked eagerly. “How did it go?”
“Terrible,” he sighed. “As soon as I leaned in for a kiss, she maced me.”
32. I was in the kitchen making dinner while my wife was in the other room. I yelled to her, “Honey, do you want chicken, fish, or the winning lottery ticket tonight?”
She yelled back, “Surprise me!”
So I brought her the chicken.
33. My wife walked into the living room and found me drunk and surrounded by empty beer cans. She asked angrily, “Did you seriously drink all this beer today??”
I looked at her innocently and replied, “What makes you think I drank it all today?”
34. Yesterday my teenage son asked me, “Dad, have you ever thought about buying Mom a pair of sensible shoes for her birthday?”
I told him, “Your mom has been hinting that she wants new running shoes, so thanks for the idea! Very thoughtful of you.”
My son replied, “No, I mean sensible shoes, as in ugly orthopedic shoes that will make her stop wearing high heels around the house. The clickity-clacking is driving me crazy!”
35. My wife was trying to convince our six year old daughter to eat her vegetables. “Eat your broccoli sweetie, it’ll help you grow big and strong!” she said cheerfully.
My daughter frowned and asked, “Did broccoli make YOU grow big and strong?”
“Well, no.” my wife admitted.
“Then I rest my case.” my daughter said, and crossed her little arms.
36. Yesterday my teenage son stormed into the kitchen, slammed a watermelon down on the counter and yelled, “Would someone PLEASE tell me how to cut this thing properly??”
Without missing a beat, I handed him a baby picture of himself and said, “Here you go son, might I suggest using the umbilical cord as a natural seam to follow.”
37. My wife walked into the living room last night and said, “You’ll never believe what our son just said! I told him it was bedtime and to turn off the TV. He looked at me and said ‘Sorry honey, but I just want to finish this show first because it’s got great ratings!'”
I laughed and told her, “Well at least he’s got his daddy’s wit!”
38. Yesterday my teenage daughter screamed from the bathroom, “Dad, come quick!!”
I sprinted in, expecting something horrible. She pointed at her face and yelled, “I have a pimple!! My life is OVER.”
39. My three year old son came into our bedroom yesterday morning and announced proudly, “Mommy, Daddy, I used the potty all by myself!”
My wife smiled and said, “That’s wonderful! We are so proud of you!”
Our son then pointed at me and said, “Daddy help clean up mess.”
40. My wife walked into the living room last night, pointed at me and yelled, “Honey, the rat trap in the kitchen caught something!”
I jumped up excitedly saying, “Oh boy, let’s go see!”
My wife frowned and responded, “Uh no, I think we should just throw it away.”
“Nonsense!” I laughed. “Even if it’s not a rat, our six year old needs to learn where bacon comes from!”
41. My teenage son stomped into the room last night and said, “I need new clothes for school! All the shirts I have make me look like a little kid.”
I told him, “No problem, I’ll take you shopping this weekend for some big boy clothes.”
My son rolled his eyes and said, “Ugh no thanks, I’ll just steal some of your shirts.”
42. Yesterday my three year old daughter came up to me with a confused look on her face. She said, “Daddy, mommy keeps saying a bad word over and over!”
I asked her seriously, “Honey, can you tell me what Mommy is saying?”
My daughter leaned in close and whispered, “…Jesus Christ.”
43. My wife yelled at me from across the house, “Honey, come here please!”
When I walked into the bedroom, she pointed at the scale and sobbed, “I weigh 160 pounds…but the bathroom scale says 180! I think it’s broken.”
I looked at her thoughtfully and said, “Well, you’re on the right track dear. But to be more precise, I would say the scale is off by about 140 pounds.”
44. Yesterday morning my teenage son trudged into the kitchen wearing nothing but his boxers. I asked him, “Aren’t you cold walking around like that?”
He shrugged and replied, “Nah, but I bet mom would be if she came downstairs dressed like this.”
45. My six year old son came into the living room yesterday looking confused. He asked me, “Dad, where do babies come from? How are they made?”
I nervously replied, “Oh, look! Spongebob is on!”