Driving Puns (15)
- What do you call a sleepy truck driver? A semi-conscious.
- Why was the driver school teacher angry? Her students kept speeding through the course material.
- Why don’t cars ever get tired? They have auto-motive power.
- My friend got fired from his job as a taxi driver. It really came out of the blue.
- I was going to tell a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
- What do you call a parade of rabbit cars? A bunny cavalcade.
- I failed my driving test today. The instructor asked me “What’s the first thing you should do before starting the car?” I said “Put on my seatbelt!”
- What do you call a line of cars waiting at a stop light? A red que.
- Why was the road sweating? It had a highway fever!
- What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look! I’m about to change.
- My friend thinks he’s a great Formula One driver. Personally I think he’s in the fast lane to trouble.
- Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
- Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
- I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
- What’s the best way to carpool? Start a fight club.
Driving One-Liners (15)
- My Uber driver started singing Christmas carols today. Then he just stopped for no Raisen.
- My dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- I hate parallel parking. Even if I get lucky, I still suck at it.
- I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
- eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
- I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
- I just got fired from the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
- I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
- Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
- I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
- People think I’m immature. I’d think they’re right if I knew what that word meant.
- My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
- I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
- The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Best Driver Jokes (25)
1. My friend got into his car the other day, but when he turned the key, the starter motor made a loud grinding noise. “That doesn’t sound good,” he said. The car responded, “Really man? You’re a mechanic!”
2. After dropping off my car for an oil change, I was sitting in the waiting room reading. I overheard another customer ask the mechanic, “How often should I have my oil changed?” The mechanic shrugged and said, “Every 5000 years is fine.”
3. I was driving down the highway when a police officer pulled me over. He asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?” I said, “Sorry officer, I don’t…but I can tell you exactly what song was on the radio!”
4. My friend was telling me about his experience taking his driving test: “I got minus two points on my exam today.” “What? How do you get minus points?” I asked. He said, “When I parallel parked, I actually squeezed an extra car in.”
5. I took my car to the mechanic because it was making a strange noise. He listened carefully and said “I know exactly what that sound is. It’ll be $100.” I said “Wait, for just listening? Couldn’t you at least guess for free?”
6. Why are women bad at parallel parking? Because historically, men have told them that 3 inches is 9 inches.
7. My wife yelled at me today saying, “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you!?” What a weird way to start a conversation.
8. I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, when a cop knocked on my window. I rolled down the window and he said, “Papers?” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and drove off. I’m expecting a rematch soon.
9. The officer said, “Please step out of the car”, I said, “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
10. A police officer just pulled me over and came up to my window. “Papers?” he said. “Scissors, I win!” I replied. His face went blank. I think we’re gonna have a re-match soon.
11. Why don’t women need driver’s licenses in Saudi Arabia? Because there is no road from the bedroom to the kitchen.
12. Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months.
13. I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try to sell this to me.” So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home. Eventually he called me and said “Bring my laptop back here right now!” I said “$100 and it’s yours.”
14. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. He’s 97 now and we have no idea where he is.
15. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
16. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
17. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
18. Did I tell you about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
19. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired!
20. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
21. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
22. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
23. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
24. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
25. I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.