Count Dracula Puns
1. Why does Dracula avoid exercising? He hates getting a stake in his heart.
2. What did Dracula say when he was feeling hungry? I could really fang a bite right now.
3. Why was Dracula binge watching TV shows? He was coffin up on the couch.
4. Why do vampires make great scientists? They have a thirst for research.
5. What do you call a polite vampire? A deadiculous gentleman.
6. Why do vampires make great mathematicians? They love to count.
7. Why do vampires make terrible cooks? They only know how to prepare bloody marys.
8. What do you call a vampire who is afraid of the night? Count Wussula.
9. How do vampires get around on Halloween night? On blood cycles.
10. What do you call a vampire who is sick? Count Hackula.
Count Dracula One-Liners
11. I asked Dracula to bite me but he said my blood type was B negative.
12. Dracula tried to suck my blood but found a garlic breadcrumb lodged in my neck.
13. Dracula? More like Dra-can’t-find-a-date-ula!
14. Dracula called in sick to work after staying up all night watching vampire movies.
15. Dracula always skips leg day at the gym because he hates squats and stakes.
16. Dracula? More like Drac-ain’t-getting-any-blood-from-me-ula!
17. I told Dracula to get a life but he said he already had nine.
18. Dracula’s dating profile said he was into long walks on the beach under the moonlight.
19. Dracula sat alone at the bar staring at everyone’s necks and muttering “I vant to drink your blood.”
20. Dracula’s favorite song? Blood on the Dance Floor” by Michael Jackson.
Best Count Dracula Jokes
21. One night, Dracula decided he wanted to go out for dinner. He knew of a nice restaurant in town that served a good steak tartare. When Dracula got to the restaurant, the host greeted him and said “Good evening, sir, table for one?” Dracula responded “No thank you, I prefer a booth.”
22. Dracula was feeling lonely, so he decided to place a personal ad in the newspaper to try to meet someone. The ad read “Single male, 680 years old, enjoys long walks, playing accordion, reading poetry. Seeks female companionship for chats over candlelit dinners.” The next day, Dracula was thrilled to find he had received hundreds of responses. He read through them excitedly, only to find they all said the same thing: “Come over any time – I’m in coagulation.”
23. Dracula’s daughter was about to have her sweet sixteen party. Dracula asked her “Sweetie, what can I get you for your sweet sixteen?” His daughter responded “Daddy, I’m 800 years old now. Can I finally get a reflective mirror?” Dracula shook his head and said “Sorry dear, but that’s just a superstition.”
24. Dracula decided to enter politics and was giving a speech. “My fellow Transylvanians, I stand before you today to suck…uh I mean seek…your support in this campaign. If elected, I promise that all children will have a vein in every pot. Wait, I mean a chicken in every vein!” Realizing he was losing the crowd, he added “My apologies, I meant to say a chicken in every pot!” But the damage was already done.
25. Dracula took his girlfriend to dinner for their one year anniversary. After looking at the menu for a few minutes, Dracula’s girlfriend said “I can’t find anything I want here.” Dracula responded “That’s okay honey, we’ll just have two orders of the type ONegative.”
26. Dracula went to the dentist to get a cleaning. The dentist said “Wow, you have really great teeth for someone your age!” Dracula responded “Thanks! I can’t take all the credit though – I inherited them from my great great grandfather.”
27. Dracula decided to go speed dating. He was meeting woman after woman, none of whom seemed appealing to him. Finally the last woman entered the room. She had flowing black hair, piercing eyes, and a graceful neck. Dracula stared at her neck muttering “I must have her!” Unfortunately, the speed date buzzer rang before he could ask her out.
28. Dracula hosted a huge Halloween party at his castle. Tons of vampires, werewolves, and other monsters showed up ready to party all night long. Around midnight, a zombie stumbled up to Dracula. “Greaat paaarty, Draaacula! But what’sssss with all the crucifixsss everywhereee?” Dracula replied “Oh those silly things? I just put them around for ambiance!”
29. Dracula decided to buy a new house. His real estate agent showed him a large Victorian mansion. “This house was built in 1898, so it’s from around your era,” remarked the agent. Dracula responded “No thanks, it’s too modern. I’m looking for something a bit more antique.”
30. Dracula purchased some new outfits online so he would be dressed stylishly for the upcoming Transylvania Fashion Week shows. When the clothes arrived, he excitedly tried them on and looked in the mirror. But the mirror showed no reflection staring back. “Drat!” exclaimed Dracula. “I knew I should have read the returns policy!”
Count Dracula Puns
31. What do you get if you cross Dracula with a snowman? Frostbite!
32. Why don’t dead people go bungee jumping? It brings up too many Dracula jokes.
33. Why does Dracula keep a ruler by his coffin? To see how long he slept!
34. What’s Dracula’s least favorite pizza? Anything with garlic cloves.
35. Why does Dracula do so well in school? He has punctuality and can turn into a bat.
36. Why did Dracula’s wife divorce him? He was a pain in the neck.
37. What did Dracula say after reading Twilight? What a bloody awful book.
38. What’s Dracula’s favorite fruit? Necktarines.
39. How does Dracula style his hair? With a coffin brush.
40. Why does Dracula avoid theater? There’s too much wooden stake scenery.
Count Dracula One-Liners
41. Dracula sucked at his job as a phlebotomist because he kept drinking the samples.
42. Dracula always donates blood at the Red Cross to support his fellow vampires.
43. Dracula liked to knit scarves but they kept turning into capes.
44. Dracula slept all day because he was working the graveyard shift.
45. Dracula went speed dating but never met his match… Type O Negative.
46. Dracula visited Transylvania for the impaler culture.
47. Dracula entered a coffin building contest but didn’t make the finals.
48. Dracula’s dating profile said “I enjoy moonlit nights, opera, and AB negative blood type.”
49. Dracula always flies economy because he never checks a coffin bag.
50. Dracula failed his driver’s test because he couldn’t do a clove park.
Best Count Dracula Jokes
51. Dracula decided to get into banking and open his own credit union called Blood Bank. Members could earn interest on deposits and borrow loans with hemoglobin payments.
52. Dracula was exhausted after a long night of hunting. He came home and his wife asked “How was work?” Dracula replied “Awful. My boss has been riding my cape all night, forcing me to turn people left and right. I’m so sick of upper management sucking the life out of me.”
53. Dracula’s daughter came home upset one day. When he asked what was wrong, she said “Daddy, all the other vampire girls make fun of me because I don’t have my fangs yet. When will I be a real vampire like you?” Dracula hugged her and said “Don’t listen to them sweetheart. Everyone grows fangs at their own pace. Your time will come.”
54. Dracula decided to get a pet bat and name him Vlad. But Vlad kept biting and turning the mailman, milkman, and neighbors. Finally Dracula called an emergency meeting with Vlad. “Look Vlad, we need to have a little bat to bat talk. The biting has got to stop. I don’t want to have to replace you with a new bat!” Vlad finally agreed to stop if he got a blood snack as a treat.
55. Dracula went on a road trip across the country to see what had changed since he was last in America a century ago. He saw fast food chains, strip malls, highways, subdivisions, and more people than he could have ever imagined. After two months of exploring, he said “I think I liked America better when it was just farmers with pitchforks yelling torch the monster!”
56. Dracula awoke feeling dazed and confused. As he opened his eyes, a nurse said “Welcome back, Mr. Vlad. You’ve been in a coma for 20 years after a horrible pitchfork accident.” Dracula sat up and exclaimed “Does this mean… am I human again!?” The nurse shook her head and replied “No, we just needed to stitch you up with a LOT of blood transfusions.”
57. Dracula went on a blind date and couldn’t believe his luck – she was intelligent, charming, and beautiful. He tried to play it cool, but by the end of the night confessed “I have to come clean. I’m actually Dracula.” She laughed and said “What a coincidence, I’m not who I appear either.” She then morphed into a hideous hairy werewolf. Love sure is strange!
58. Dracula hosted a huge Halloween bash at his castle with lots of spooky lighting and floating candelabras. His friend Frankenstein came up to him mid-party and said “Dracula, gotta hand it to you, when you throw a Halloween party, you really spare no corpse!” Dracula grinned and said “Corpse you’re right Frankenstein! I aim to please.”
59. Dracula decided to buy a brand new luxury coffin with all the latest features like memory foam mattress, satin lining, stereo system, and adjustable lid. When it arrived, his friend the mummy came over to check it out. After inspecting it, the mummy declared “Wow Dracula, now THAT’s what I call a crypt keeper!”
60. Dracula went to a Halloween costume party dressed as a lawyer instead of a vampire. His friend the zombie saw his costume and said “Dracula, what gives? Why aren’t you dressed as a vampire?” Dracula replied “Because if I put on my regular clothes, I’d win Scariest Costume every year!”
Count Dracula Puns
61. Why does Dracula keep coughing? He has a coffin.
62. How does Dracula like his drinks? In a blood cup.
63. Why was Dracula banned from the restaurant? No shirt, no shoes, must have pulse.
64. What do you call a vegetarian vampire? The Count of Monte Cristo Sandwich.
65. Why does Dracula wear velcro shoes? To get a bat grip.
66. What do get when you cross Dracula with an internet joke? A flea in your coffin.
67. Why do vampires make the best artists? They really know how to draw blood.
68. What do you call a sleepy vampire? Count Dracu-nap-la.
69. How do vampires get around town? By blood vessel.
70. What’s a vampire’s favorite dessert? Vampire flan.
Count Dracula One-Liners
71. Dracula avoided the lunch rush by sleeping in until breakfast.
72. Dracula was a bat barista at the cafe Brew Blood.
73. Dracula’s cape got stuck in the escalator and everyone saw his tacky shirt.
74. Dracula entered a limbo contest but couldn’t get under the bar.
75. Dracula loved watching soap operas for the overly dramatic blood transfusions.
76. Dracula never learned to drive – he kept failing his coffinball turns.
77. Dracula was annoyed that the wi-fi never reached his underground crypt.
78. Dracula went as a pirate for Halloween so people would stop asking about his fangs.
79. Dracula’s favorite song was “Thriller” because it reminded him of blood banks.
80. Dracula didn’t realize the blood clinic had closed and kept asking “Are you still open?”
Best Count Dracula Jokes
81. Dracula decided to get into the Christmas spirit and put up some decorations around his castle. He decked the halls with blood red candles and unholy night garlands. He even got a Christmas tree and decorated it with skull ornaments and bat tree toppers. But when Dracula plugged in the lights, the whole tree went up in flames! He forgot that classic Christmas lights really burn vampires.
82. Dracula joined a bowling league for active seniors. He was terrible at first and got gutter balls over and over. But with practice Dracula started knocking down more pins. After a few months, he bowled a perfect 300 game. His teammates asked how he got so good. Dracula answered “Years of experience handling wooden stakes gives me an advantage!”
83. Dracula went on vacation to Hawaii and saw a stand offering skydiving tours. He thought it would be fun to float through the air like a bat again. But when Dracula did the skydive, his skin started burning up in the sunlight! He desperately tried to put his hood over his head, but it was too late. Dracula learned the hard way that skydiving should be a nighttime activity.
84. Dracula took up gardening to have something relaxing to do in the evenings after a long day asleep in his coffin. He read books on plants and started growing vegetables and herbs. Dracula was proud of his new hobby until he bit into his homegrown garlic. After gagging and coughing up blood, he decided gardening wasn’t for him after all.
85. Dracula decided to get into shape, so he joined a 24-hour fitness center. He went at midnight to avoid the sun and made a workout routine lifting weights and using the stairmaster. The gym manager said “We love having you here Dracula, but could you stop turning into a bat and scaring the other members during your sets?”
