City Puns (15)
- I heard there’s going to be a big limestone sale in Athens. Everything must go!
- Why did the builder get fired from working on Dubai’s skyscrapers? He wasn’t making the cut.
- Why was the tourist disappointed after visiting the historical district in Philadelphia? There was no bell there.
- Why do people say Edinburgh is an educational city? Because it has a big uni-ver-city!
- Did you hear about the new supermarket that just opened in Vatican City? It’s called Papal Foods.
- Why are the streets in Venice always wet? Because they’re full of canals!
- Did you hear about the power outage in Las Vegas? Now it’s called Lost Wages!
- I heard Toronto is adding a new express lane on their highways. It’s going to be called The Fast and the Furious Eh.
- Why did Dublin put fences along the roads? To keep the Dubs in!
- Did you know Seattle has a booming umbrella industry? It helps keep them out of the red!
- Why do people say Hollywood is full of drama queens? There’s always so much LA la land going on!
- Why was Romeo jealous when Juliet decided to visit Paris? He thought she would fall in love with another city!
- Did you hear Belfast just opened a new chicken restaurant? It’s called ChickFilNorthernIreland.
- I tried to look up hotels in Iceland but couldn’t find anything. Guess there’s no Reykjavik vacancies!
- Why did the builder get fired from his job in Mexico City? He couldn’t handle working in all that Pollution!
City One-Liners (15)
- New York is the city that never sleeps, Las Vegas is the city that never wakes up.
- Los Angeles has a lot of stars… on the sidewalk.
- In Paris you can see the Eiffel Tower, in London you can see Big Ben, and in Washington DC you can see politicians acting like children.
- Bostonians love their sports teams, their history, and their clam chowdah.
- Sydney may have the Opera House but the rest of Australia is pretty much the Outback.
- They say Columbus discovered America, what they don’t mention is the millions who were already living here.
- Chicago deep dish pizza is just tomato soup in a bread bowl.
- Moscow is about as fun as a Siberian winter.
- Cairo traffic makes New York City gridlock look like a country drive.
- You haven’t experienced humidity until you’ve visited Bangkok in July.
- In Dubai, everything is big, even the ski slopes inside giant shopping malls.
- You can walk all over Tokyo and never find a garbage can, yet there’s no litter.
- Rio looks like a tropical paradise in pictures, just don’t forget your mosquito repellent.
- In Vegas old people visit casinos, in Atlantic City casinos visit old people.
- India is the world’s largest democracy, Pakistan is the world’s largest bureaucracy.
Best City Jokes (55)
1. A police officer pulled over a driver in New York City and said, “Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The driver responded, “That’s what I’m trying to avoid, another fine!”
2. Why does it take longer to get from Rome to Milan than from Milan to Rome? Because Milano is closer to Rome than Roma is to Milano!
3. How many Chicago Cubs fans does it take to change a light bulb? They don’t bother, they’re all used to the lights going out in October.
4. A tourist in London approached a local and asked, “Do you know the quickest way to the British Museum?” The Londoner replied, “Best way to get there? Miss it.”
5. What do you call someone who is happy on a Monday in Seattle? A tourist.
6. Why don’t blind people like to skydive in Phoenix? It scares their seeing-eye dogs too much.
7. How do you know someone is a vegan in Portland? Don’t worry, they’ll let you know within the first 30 seconds.
8. Why did the police arrest the street musician in New Orleans? They had probable caws.
9. Why are the New York Mets called the Amazin’s? It’s amazing they still have any fans left.
10. Why did Dublin hire CM Punk as their official spokesperson? Because he’s great at promos for the Dubs.
11. How many Cleveland Browns fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just sit around and talk about how good the old one was.
12. Why do Bostonians put beans in their chowder? Because they always have a little Beantown pride.
13. What do you call a disgruntled San Francisco 49ers fan? A forty-whiner.
14. Why does Santa Monica place mistletoe under the pier? To catch some sole under there!
15. Why was the Egyptian museum employee fired? He was caught Cairo-ing artifacts home in his bag.
16. Why did the lion escape from the Manila zoo? It wanted to see more of the Philippines.
17. Why did the tourist get arrested on their first day in Glasgow? He was caught whacking a car in the parking lot. He claimed it was just a Glasgow kiss!
18. Why did the chicken cross the road in Kuala Lumpur? To get to the other side lah!
19. How do you know someone’s been to Dallas? Wait 5 minutes, they’ll tell you all about the Cowboys.
20. Why are summers brutal in Phoenix? Because it’s a dry heat. So is an oven!
21. How did the Atlanta Braves feel after giving up a home run? They were crushin’ it.
22. Why do birds fly upside down over Pittsburgh? There’s nothing worth pooping on!
23. How do you know someone is from Philadelphia? They boo even when their team is winning.
24. How do you know someone’s from Los Angeles? They say like every other word.
25. Why does a Milwaukee Bucks player make a bad husband? Because if he’s not shooting, he’s cheating!
26. Why did the tourist get run over while posing for a selfie in Times Square? They didn’t Instagram their surroundings!
27. Why did the chicken cross the road in Venice? To get to the other side canal!
28. How many LA Clippers fans does it take to change a light bulb? None, Laker fans will do it for them!
29. Why did Dublin open a discount golf store? To offer cut-rate clubs for the Dubs!
30. Why are the New York Jets called Gang Green? Because their fans are green with envy of the Giants!
31. What do you call someone who loves Nashville? A music note-it-all.
32. Why couldn’t the statue talk to the tourist in Athens? He was taken for granite!
33. Why did the tourist spend all their time in the Las Vegas hotel room? What happens in Vegas gets live streamed.
34. Why do tourists in New York City love riding the Subway? It gives them a feel for living in a sardine can.
35. Why does Santa Monica have the best medical facilities in Los Angeles? With all the sun and surf, everyone there stays healthy as a horse.
36. Why did Dublin hire The Rock as their spokesperson? To give inspirational Dwayne Johnson speeches!
37. How do you know someone’s been to London? They complain about the weather, the crowds, and the high prices.
38. Why do birds avoid landing on The Seattle Space Needle? Because then they’d be words too high!
39. What kind of shorts do frogs wear in Miami? Open-toad sandals!
40. Why did the chicken cross the road in Sydney? To get to the other side, mate!
41. A tourist in Glasgow asked a local: “What do you call Glasgow’s downtown?” The local replied: “You mean Central Station?”
42. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.
43. How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
44. Why did the police arrest the mimes in Times Square? They were caught doing unspeakable things.
45. Who is Dublin’s most famous boxer? Conor McGregor, he loves fighting for the Dubs!
46. Why are there gates around cemeteries in New Orleans? Because people are just dying to get in!
47. How do you fit more Philadelphia Eagles fans into a stadium? Turn it upside down, all the empty seats will be on the bottom.
48. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear in Tokyo? Sneakers!
49. Why can’t you take balloons into the Denver airport? They might fly away!
50. Why do birds fly over Salt Lake City upside-down? There’s nothing worth crapping on!
51. How do the Atlanta Braves train for baseball season? They go to spring training!
52. What’s the difference between a large pizza and a Chicago Bears fan? A pizza can feed a family of four!
53. Why is London so windy? It’s speed training for all the runners in the next Olympic Games!
54. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in Paris? There was nothing left but de Brie.
55. Why don’t mimes make any money performing in Central Park? New Yorkers won’t give them the time of day!